(no subject)
So I'm pretty sure I'm PMSing right now, but it's really really bad. I'm so insanely emotional and my intrusive thoughts and are just constant. Especially yesterday, I remembered something that was just not fucking okay...of course having to do with ex-bf 🙄 I feel like the disgust and what the fuckery of that whole situation intensifies by 1000 when my hormones are amped.
But anyway, yesterday I was just on the Reddit /r/sex sub browsing and came across a post about "accidentally sticking your dick in the wrong hole" and if it really happens by accident that triggered a really gross flashback. There was this one time that I was letting bf fuck me (I refuse to say "having sex" in reference to anything I did with him because let's be perfectly honest, I didn't fucking want to deep down and it grossed me out even before I cut him off. It was only good on his end, not mine) and he was behind me about to stick it in, but he was poking at the wrong hole so I immediately told him it was the wrong hole. So he backed away for a minute and then started pushing his dick against my asshole again, and again I'm saying "wrong hole! WRONG FUCKING HOLE" over and over, but he just keeps pushing until I start to sound irritated like he was accidentally-on-purpose trying to shove his dick in my ass to see if he could get away with it. And then he was kind of laughing about it like "lol I almost stuck it in ur ass lol". Like what the fuck?? You honestly thought it would be okay to "accidentally" shove your dick in my ass after I VERY explicitly did not give you consent to do so, you sick fuck.
And it wasn't only this one time that I said I wasn't okay with doing anything anal, either. He had been whining and bugging me to let him fuck me in the ass since the first time we ever even started talking about anything sexual because "it feels great" (on his end, mind you. I don't have any experience with that so I don't know if I like it or not). And every fucking time I specifically said no. And he kept trying to talk me into it until I got pissed and told him to knock it the fuck off and drop it. So I know exactly what the fuck he was thinking trying to pull that. He was thinking that maybe if he "accidentally" slipped in the wrong hole I would get into it and like it so much I wouldn't have a problem with it, despite my multiple, MULTIPLE, MUL.TI.PLE., protests against it. Like are you fucking stupid?? How fucked up do you have to be to even think that's remotely okay? Consent is consent. If I'm not consenting, you don't get to just override me because that's, oh yeah, SEXUAL FUCKING ASSAULT.
You would think someone who's been through the horrific sexual abuse that he's been through would at least have a baseline idea of how consensual sex works and AT THE VERY LEAST know how to respect boundaries but nope. Instead he felt entitled to my body based on previous consent, and then would act like a whiny, entitled little bitch when I would get mad at him for crossing my boundaries, but then backpedal and apologize profusely when I would get angry and call him out on it. Like the time right before we broke up where he tried to sneak-grope my tit, then after I got mad at him for that, tried to grab my ass, then acted like a little cunt because I "said he could grab my tits and ass" like probably at some point in the very beginning of the relationship before I was just over and done with his bullshit. He honestly thought that shit was a-okay and then wondered why I stopped letting him touch me or fuck me. Like oh yes, act like a creepy-ass, whiny-ass child please. It's just so hot I couldn't possibly resist the way you whine at me over and over that you're horny and sound exactly like a five year old that has to pee whining at his mommy while doing so, and then grope me like a fucking horndog teenager that's touching a girl for the first time ever even though I've said no and pushed you away about 20 times, or sound like an old lady falling down the stairs when you moan. It's just so sexy I could projectile vomit for days 😍
Again, why the fuck do I get in these situations and stay in them? -_- I haven't texted him in two days and now he's whine-texting me asking me if I still like being friends and if I'm mad at him, like ??? After the constant intrusive thoughts about our beyond-nauseating sex life and the realization that you have less than zero respect for my personal boundaries, and gave even less fucks about what I did and did not consent to when we were together, I don't know if I can even have a friendship with you at this point.
I seriously wish College Dude was more readily available because sex with him feels like a cleanse from all of that >.> That's probably not healthy on my end but at this point having sex with someone I'm attracted to, that's also good in bed, feels like a privilege. I've actually considered trying to find more fuck buddies so I have someone whenever I want it but that would get way too messy, plus it would probably involve enduring more shitty sex to find someone that's up to par, and of course there's the chance that feelings would get involved and I would have to deal with that shit with the potential of ending up with a stalker or worse. So I'm not doing that. I'll just have to put up with inconsistent, long gaps between fuck sessions with College Dude and the possibility that every one of them could be the last for now.
Not to mention, all these sudden realizations have made my sex drive less about sex and more "I want to be tied up, slapped around and flogged so I can take my mind off this shit". Ugh. Maybe I should stop saying I need a therapist and actually find one so I can figure out what's wrong with me >.>
But anyway, yesterday I was just on the Reddit /r/sex sub browsing and came across a post about "accidentally sticking your dick in the wrong hole" and if it really happens by accident that triggered a really gross flashback. There was this one time that I was letting bf fuck me (I refuse to say "having sex" in reference to anything I did with him because let's be perfectly honest, I didn't fucking want to deep down and it grossed me out even before I cut him off. It was only good on his end, not mine) and he was behind me about to stick it in, but he was poking at the wrong hole so I immediately told him it was the wrong hole. So he backed away for a minute and then started pushing his dick against my asshole again, and again I'm saying "wrong hole! WRONG FUCKING HOLE" over and over, but he just keeps pushing until I start to sound irritated like he was accidentally-on-purpose trying to shove his dick in my ass to see if he could get away with it. And then he was kind of laughing about it like "lol I almost stuck it in ur ass lol". Like what the fuck?? You honestly thought it would be okay to "accidentally" shove your dick in my ass after I VERY explicitly did not give you consent to do so, you sick fuck.
And it wasn't only this one time that I said I wasn't okay with doing anything anal, either. He had been whining and bugging me to let him fuck me in the ass since the first time we ever even started talking about anything sexual because "it feels great" (on his end, mind you. I don't have any experience with that so I don't know if I like it or not). And every fucking time I specifically said no. And he kept trying to talk me into it until I got pissed and told him to knock it the fuck off and drop it. So I know exactly what the fuck he was thinking trying to pull that. He was thinking that maybe if he "accidentally" slipped in the wrong hole I would get into it and like it so much I wouldn't have a problem with it, despite my multiple, MULTIPLE, MUL.TI.PLE., protests against it. Like are you fucking stupid?? How fucked up do you have to be to even think that's remotely okay? Consent is consent. If I'm not consenting, you don't get to just override me because that's, oh yeah, SEXUAL FUCKING ASSAULT.
You would think someone who's been through the horrific sexual abuse that he's been through would at least have a baseline idea of how consensual sex works and AT THE VERY LEAST know how to respect boundaries but nope. Instead he felt entitled to my body based on previous consent, and then would act like a whiny, entitled little bitch when I would get mad at him for crossing my boundaries, but then backpedal and apologize profusely when I would get angry and call him out on it. Like the time right before we broke up where he tried to sneak-grope my tit, then after I got mad at him for that, tried to grab my ass, then acted like a little cunt because I "said he could grab my tits and ass" like probably at some point in the very beginning of the relationship before I was just over and done with his bullshit. He honestly thought that shit was a-okay and then wondered why I stopped letting him touch me or fuck me. Like oh yes, act like a creepy-ass, whiny-ass child please. It's just so hot I couldn't possibly resist the way you whine at me over and over that you're horny and sound exactly like a five year old that has to pee whining at his mommy while doing so, and then grope me like a fucking horndog teenager that's touching a girl for the first time ever even though I've said no and pushed you away about 20 times, or sound like an old lady falling down the stairs when you moan. It's just so sexy I could projectile vomit for days 😍
Again, why the fuck do I get in these situations and stay in them? -_- I haven't texted him in two days and now he's whine-texting me asking me if I still like being friends and if I'm mad at him, like ??? After the constant intrusive thoughts about our beyond-nauseating sex life and the realization that you have less than zero respect for my personal boundaries, and gave even less fucks about what I did and did not consent to when we were together, I don't know if I can even have a friendship with you at this point.
I seriously wish College Dude was more readily available because sex with him feels like a cleanse from all of that >.> That's probably not healthy on my end but at this point having sex with someone I'm attracted to, that's also good in bed, feels like a privilege. I've actually considered trying to find more fuck buddies so I have someone whenever I want it but that would get way too messy, plus it would probably involve enduring more shitty sex to find someone that's up to par, and of course there's the chance that feelings would get involved and I would have to deal with that shit with the potential of ending up with a stalker or worse. So I'm not doing that. I'll just have to put up with inconsistent, long gaps between fuck sessions with College Dude and the possibility that every one of them could be the last for now.
Not to mention, all these sudden realizations have made my sex drive less about sex and more "I want to be tied up, slapped around and flogged so I can take my mind off this shit". Ugh. Maybe I should stop saying I need a therapist and actually find one so I can figure out what's wrong with me >.>