(no subject)
Okay, I NEED. NEED. NEED. To break up with him, this is getting ridiculous. It's to the point where i'm getting angry any time he texts me. And lately i've been waking up to (no exaggeration), 16 texts, 5 fb messages, and then the other day he called me on fb video chat three times in 10 minutes (after I thought I had disabled video chat so thanks for that, facebook). I didn't pick up obviously. But yeah, the only reason I would answer one of his calls at this point is to scream LEAVE ME ALONE and immediately hang up because I am that irritated. And I don't think it's just menstrual hormones either. He is just grating the fuck on my last nerve.
The thing that sucks is like, I am 150% ready to do this. I don't have feelings for him at all, this relationship is donezo. But I also know that the second I break up with him, it will most likely play out as follows: crying, pleading and begging me to give him another chance while calling me on facebook chat over and over and over ad infinitum. More crying. Possible bipolar meltdown that I will then have to calm him down from. Possible anger about how i'm a "hypocrite" because I bitched that Chris didn't hold out an entire year before breaking up with me, and Aaron broke up with me via text but i'm doing the same thing (which is true but um, i'm getting an insider perspective on why the fuck all of my exes have left me at this point -even though I don't think I was ever THIS annoying-and i'm kind of understanding where they're coming from now.) I mean, i'm not going to be mean when I do it. I know what I write on here is harsh, and it's how I genuinely feel, but he's not a bad person and I don't completely want to crush him (although he's made that kind of impossible since he's made me the center of his entire fucking life). But i'm probably going to have to set aside like two exhausting, excruciating days to listen to him grovel and whine about how he's done so much for me, and how could I do this, and blah blah fuckity blah. It's not going to be pretty. I haven't confirmed or denied his constant awkward-ass questions about whether or not I miss him or still want to be with him so he's building up on my vague answers and doing all kinds of delusional mental gymnastics to convince himself that i'm not about to end things or that i'm acting differently because I 'm completely checked out of the relationship at this point and not just stressed about everything. So that's going to be a fun time basically dousing his delusions in kerosene, putting a blowtorch on it and watching the outcome.
But I absolutely have to, and soon. It needs to be done. I hate being this angry all the time. And i've "accidentally" fallen asleep on him for the past like, week to get out of video chatting with him. Which, funny enough, has quite improved my sleep schedule over the past few days. I want to start focusing on MYSELF. I want to start doing my nightly routine and skincare regimen again. Hell, i've even decided that i'm going to treat myself to a new dildo after this. I miss being single. I don't even give a fuck if I don't get laid for a long time after this. I would rather have no sex than disappointing shitty sex. Like at this point i'm getting bitter that my friends are having great sex with guys that have nice big dicks and know what they're doing, and i'm stuck with this gross dude that makes me nauseous that I cut off from sex months ago because the thought of it makes me gag. I may be way off base here but at this point i'm convinced that i'm doomed to end up with guys that i'm not really attracted to, that have small cocks and that suck in bed so i'm just going to not even bother. If I seek anything out it'll probably just be with women, but even then I won't so much seek it out as much as "if I come across a hot girl and she's into me, let it happen". But other than that, i'm done. there's no point. I have a 99.9% success rate of getting myself off so i'm just going to date and fuck myself for awhile, focus on getting my exercise and diet back on track so I can lose the last 50 pounds that I need to lose, do some soul searching and focus on spending time with my friends and family.
I honestly kind of feel stupid, like last summer I was ready to date again and felt so like, "Zero Fux lol gonna leave at the first sign of any red flags/if the sex sucks yolo" but the truth is I was just being desperate for a relationship and well...look where it got me -_-. I settled, and I settled HARD. I look at me last summer and i'm just like "wow you fucking IDIOT". It wasn't a complete waste, at least I got to travel to a different state and got my first flight over with, and i'm realizing how being a desperate shithead will absolutely bite me in the ass now and how being single is unimaginably preferable to this. But yeah, i'm going to make it a point to like, not do that shit again. Settle for the first person that has stuff in common with me and talks to me like a human being I mean. Because yeah, that shit definitely does not equal compatibility in a relationship by a long shot.
I really just need to suck it up and do this so I can get on with my life -_- wish me luck
The thing that sucks is like, I am 150% ready to do this. I don't have feelings for him at all, this relationship is donezo. But I also know that the second I break up with him, it will most likely play out as follows: crying, pleading and begging me to give him another chance while calling me on facebook chat over and over and over ad infinitum. More crying. Possible bipolar meltdown that I will then have to calm him down from. Possible anger about how i'm a "hypocrite" because I bitched that Chris didn't hold out an entire year before breaking up with me, and Aaron broke up with me via text but i'm doing the same thing (which is true but um, i'm getting an insider perspective on why the fuck all of my exes have left me at this point -even though I don't think I was ever THIS annoying-and i'm kind of understanding where they're coming from now.) I mean, i'm not going to be mean when I do it. I know what I write on here is harsh, and it's how I genuinely feel, but he's not a bad person and I don't completely want to crush him (although he's made that kind of impossible since he's made me the center of his entire fucking life). But i'm probably going to have to set aside like two exhausting, excruciating days to listen to him grovel and whine about how he's done so much for me, and how could I do this, and blah blah fuckity blah. It's not going to be pretty. I haven't confirmed or denied his constant awkward-ass questions about whether or not I miss him or still want to be with him so he's building up on my vague answers and doing all kinds of delusional mental gymnastics to convince himself that i'm not about to end things or that i'm acting differently because I 'm completely checked out of the relationship at this point and not just stressed about everything. So that's going to be a fun time basically dousing his delusions in kerosene, putting a blowtorch on it and watching the outcome.
But I absolutely have to, and soon. It needs to be done. I hate being this angry all the time. And i've "accidentally" fallen asleep on him for the past like, week to get out of video chatting with him. Which, funny enough, has quite improved my sleep schedule over the past few days. I want to start focusing on MYSELF. I want to start doing my nightly routine and skincare regimen again. Hell, i've even decided that i'm going to treat myself to a new dildo after this. I miss being single. I don't even give a fuck if I don't get laid for a long time after this. I would rather have no sex than disappointing shitty sex. Like at this point i'm getting bitter that my friends are having great sex with guys that have nice big dicks and know what they're doing, and i'm stuck with this gross dude that makes me nauseous that I cut off from sex months ago because the thought of it makes me gag. I may be way off base here but at this point i'm convinced that i'm doomed to end up with guys that i'm not really attracted to, that have small cocks and that suck in bed so i'm just going to not even bother. If I seek anything out it'll probably just be with women, but even then I won't so much seek it out as much as "if I come across a hot girl and she's into me, let it happen". But other than that, i'm done. there's no point. I have a 99.9% success rate of getting myself off so i'm just going to date and fuck myself for awhile, focus on getting my exercise and diet back on track so I can lose the last 50 pounds that I need to lose, do some soul searching and focus on spending time with my friends and family.
I honestly kind of feel stupid, like last summer I was ready to date again and felt so like, "Zero Fux lol gonna leave at the first sign of any red flags/if the sex sucks yolo" but the truth is I was just being desperate for a relationship and well...look where it got me -_-. I settled, and I settled HARD. I look at me last summer and i'm just like "wow you fucking IDIOT". It wasn't a complete waste, at least I got to travel to a different state and got my first flight over with, and i'm realizing how being a desperate shithead will absolutely bite me in the ass now and how being single is unimaginably preferable to this. But yeah, i'm going to make it a point to like, not do that shit again. Settle for the first person that has stuff in common with me and talks to me like a human being I mean. Because yeah, that shit definitely does not equal compatibility in a relationship by a long shot.
I really just need to suck it up and do this so I can get on with my life -_- wish me luck