(no subject)
I'm bored. I no longer have hobbies.
Sleep. Eat. Take vitamin. Nap. Work. Eat. Shower.
Repeat.
This day off I'm not too sick to move. I'm doing laundry but I'm bored.
My parents (yes they are a unit now because they actually get a long better then ever before)
have never supported me when it comes to relationships. They support me through pets, school, jobs and friends. Even didn't kick me out when I was on drugs but when it comes to me saying there is a guy I like they more or less tell me to give up or to why he would be so wrong for me. Yeah they are old fashioned I guess. I think the one date I went on they were more excited then me. I couldn't even go through with it. It isn't me.
I know it's a lot to do with the fact I got forced into sexual things at a young age there for thinking that is all there is to relationships.
Now I told my mom I like some one and she said stop it. But I feel the guys I've known and the guys I could be with are more important then a baby I haven't met yet. Yeah it's a terrible thought and I might go to hell for it but it's my truth.
I wanted kids when Brad and I had been dating for a few years. I know we were young and that's not the most rational thing but we were in love and it felt that was what was to happen. Well I still wanted kids. Even when I turned into a whore and lost any respect or emotions towards guys. But I started trying to stop sleeping around. The same as drinking and smoking. These things take time for me. Obviously I cut for nine years. Drank for eight. Smoked for eight.
I'm getting off track. When I found out I was pregnant yes it was exciting but it also was bad. I don't know this guy. Yes we met physically but I don't know what he likes to do. If he gets along with his family. How he feels about kids. And that scares me. I mean for all I know I could tell him we go through the next six months or how ever long. The baby comes we get a paturnity test and it's not his. lol. Or even scarier what if he wants to be super involved. I can't compromise emotions and build a relationship when there isn't much there. The thing I needed from him wasn't a relationship ya know and that's hard. It's sad. Disgusting and rough. Plus yeah it does feel wrong I have feelings for some one who I know isn't the baby daddy. I mean that's normal that people don't stay together for the kids or even get divorces and shit and end up with other people but I just feel bad.
I feel if something is to happen to this baby before it's born it will be because I don't love it enough. Will it end up emotionally fucked because I can't give it the right things now? while it in the womb? Maybe i'm just starting to turn into a mother and worry more?
To even imagine myself and the baby being healthy come june blows my mind. I can't even imagine it. Maybe i'm not supposed to? I know I have some one in mind to take care of the baby in case I don't make it. I won't be happy if the baby doesn't make it but I guess there is less pressure seeing as I'm not married or in love with this guy and we are young. I would hope there would be another chance IF any thing were to happen. But if not? Then what? I live in a 8 ft by 10 ft room in my parents house. I sleep on a twin size bed. I make about 900 bucks a month give or take. And that is me working my ass off. No insurance taken out. No bills taken out. So it's probably more like 700 a month. To raise a child on? And who watches it while I go to work? I would have to pay a sitter. Thats another how ever much. Then grocerys and baby grocerys. fucks sake. Plus I'm new to my job. haven't even been there a year. What if they don't give me my job back after the baby comes?
THANK GOD FOR YOU LJ because my mind is going loco!
Sleep. Eat. Take vitamin. Nap. Work. Eat. Shower.
Repeat.
This day off I'm not too sick to move. I'm doing laundry but I'm bored.
My parents (yes they are a unit now because they actually get a long better then ever before)
have never supported me when it comes to relationships. They support me through pets, school, jobs and friends. Even didn't kick me out when I was on drugs but when it comes to me saying there is a guy I like they more or less tell me to give up or to why he would be so wrong for me. Yeah they are old fashioned I guess. I think the one date I went on they were more excited then me. I couldn't even go through with it. It isn't me.
I know it's a lot to do with the fact I got forced into sexual things at a young age there for thinking that is all there is to relationships.
Now I told my mom I like some one and she said stop it. But I feel the guys I've known and the guys I could be with are more important then a baby I haven't met yet. Yeah it's a terrible thought and I might go to hell for it but it's my truth.
I wanted kids when Brad and I had been dating for a few years. I know we were young and that's not the most rational thing but we were in love and it felt that was what was to happen. Well I still wanted kids. Even when I turned into a whore and lost any respect or emotions towards guys. But I started trying to stop sleeping around. The same as drinking and smoking. These things take time for me. Obviously I cut for nine years. Drank for eight. Smoked for eight.
I'm getting off track. When I found out I was pregnant yes it was exciting but it also was bad. I don't know this guy. Yes we met physically but I don't know what he likes to do. If he gets along with his family. How he feels about kids. And that scares me. I mean for all I know I could tell him we go through the next six months or how ever long. The baby comes we get a paturnity test and it's not his. lol. Or even scarier what if he wants to be super involved. I can't compromise emotions and build a relationship when there isn't much there. The thing I needed from him wasn't a relationship ya know and that's hard. It's sad. Disgusting and rough. Plus yeah it does feel wrong I have feelings for some one who I know isn't the baby daddy. I mean that's normal that people don't stay together for the kids or even get divorces and shit and end up with other people but I just feel bad.
I feel if something is to happen to this baby before it's born it will be because I don't love it enough. Will it end up emotionally fucked because I can't give it the right things now? while it in the womb? Maybe i'm just starting to turn into a mother and worry more?
To even imagine myself and the baby being healthy come june blows my mind. I can't even imagine it. Maybe i'm not supposed to? I know I have some one in mind to take care of the baby in case I don't make it. I won't be happy if the baby doesn't make it but I guess there is less pressure seeing as I'm not married or in love with this guy and we are young. I would hope there would be another chance IF any thing were to happen. But if not? Then what? I live in a 8 ft by 10 ft room in my parents house. I sleep on a twin size bed. I make about 900 bucks a month give or take. And that is me working my ass off. No insurance taken out. No bills taken out. So it's probably more like 700 a month. To raise a child on? And who watches it while I go to work? I would have to pay a sitter. Thats another how ever much. Then grocerys and baby grocerys. fucks sake. Plus I'm new to my job. haven't even been there a year. What if they don't give me my job back after the baby comes?
THANK GOD FOR YOU LJ because my mind is going loco!