oh life.
I just have to accept that I live here and my mom smokes and doesnt like me. I have to accept I have allergies. Even though these things aren't my ideal choices I do have a wonderful daughter and yeah she may have been better off in someone else's hands, she's here with me and I am blessed. And though I may wish I had a house of my own I could watch her grow up in and a partner and a chance for her to have siblings, possibly a dog and cat, ect. this is my life and I can't cry about what I can't change.
I used to believe any thing was possible. I used to not be a slave to money but a peacemaker to the evils it creates. Now I am just like every one else who got stuck in the rut of making just enough to get by and then wanting more. I have said I would save up to buy a car and I ended up getting pushed into a lease. I said I would save up for an apartment but I spent my money on useless things. I honestly don't know where it all went. 200.00 on clothes that I wore once. 200.00 on a car seat I can't figure out how to work the straps on. I hate saying something and it not being able to happen. I don't want to become a liar. I also don't want Helina to think there are things in life she can't do because she is amazing. She has this unique light about her. She is the essence of good and I hate to imagine that ever going away. Especially if it were because we stayed living here when we could have went to a shelter or something.
Some things I SHOULD do. Now the matter of getting enough energy to do them is another story. (Meanwhile I am chasing away the demons that tell me evil untrue thoughts) Save my money for a down payment on a mortgage. (well i'd use my money from my student loans to do that and then pay my loans back, if this is even possible) Pay the 65 dollar fee so that I have a spot saved at the daycare for Helina, in case I want to get a day time job and am able to. Decide if I want to keep going to Argosy Online or if I am able to take a semester off.
I dont want to miss out on the good things that I've found in life. I wanted to share those with Helina too. Like just going for walks and such without worrying that I'm not traveling the country/world. So another goal I have is to take her camping, to a state we've never been, sea world and disney world. I know those all cost money too. I don't ever want to fight about money or anything either. My parents always fought and I hate that they drag me into it and I don't want that around my baby. :(
I just hate to think life is short and thats why I never stuck to my plan of waiting til I'm married to have kids. That's why I lived in the moment for so long.
I used to believe any thing was possible. I used to not be a slave to money but a peacemaker to the evils it creates. Now I am just like every one else who got stuck in the rut of making just enough to get by and then wanting more. I have said I would save up to buy a car and I ended up getting pushed into a lease. I said I would save up for an apartment but I spent my money on useless things. I honestly don't know where it all went. 200.00 on clothes that I wore once. 200.00 on a car seat I can't figure out how to work the straps on. I hate saying something and it not being able to happen. I don't want to become a liar. I also don't want Helina to think there are things in life she can't do because she is amazing. She has this unique light about her. She is the essence of good and I hate to imagine that ever going away. Especially if it were because we stayed living here when we could have went to a shelter or something.
Some things I SHOULD do. Now the matter of getting enough energy to do them is another story. (Meanwhile I am chasing away the demons that tell me evil untrue thoughts) Save my money for a down payment on a mortgage. (well i'd use my money from my student loans to do that and then pay my loans back, if this is even possible) Pay the 65 dollar fee so that I have a spot saved at the daycare for Helina, in case I want to get a day time job and am able to. Decide if I want to keep going to Argosy Online or if I am able to take a semester off.
I dont want to miss out on the good things that I've found in life. I wanted to share those with Helina too. Like just going for walks and such without worrying that I'm not traveling the country/world. So another goal I have is to take her camping, to a state we've never been, sea world and disney world. I know those all cost money too. I don't ever want to fight about money or anything either. My parents always fought and I hate that they drag me into it and I don't want that around my baby. :(
I just hate to think life is short and thats why I never stuck to my plan of waiting til I'm married to have kids. That's why I lived in the moment for so long.