Some self cleansing was in order..

[electric07]

In many ways I hate myself. Guilt shreds my heart much like the shrapnel from a bomb shreds skin so effortlessly. Guilt, from the numerous infractions committed in haste and misunderstanding, flowing through my veins in the no nonsense manner that a river’s waters carve canyon walls out of stoic rock face. So many things I would say and do should I be given one last chance. Did I take away your will? Was I the cause of your demise? Science tells me not, but my heart cannot reconcile this answer with that of the voices screaming inside me. I should never have walked out that door because I was walking out into a world in which you no longer had a place. A world that has become dark, dreary and unyielding. A world in which time is my tormenter and my only solace is found in your memory. There is much blame to go around, but primarily I blame myself. You counted on me and I let you down. How do I move forward? Why can’t this weight slide from my shoulders? I feel it killing me. It’s crushing me with sorrow. Sometimes I feel you beside me and for a fleeting torturing moment all is well. And then reality returns with cruel force. “I would fight a bear for you.” This eternally true yet moot point remains and yet I laugh sardonically at how out of place it seems. What could I have fought? I almost wish it had been a bear.

Maybe now that I have this out I can move on. It's a new year right? Miss you all!