Mo Money, Mo Problems
The last 2 1/2 months have really taken a toll on Justin and I. Even more so than all those months of traveling... Or maybe it's because of all those months of traveling, followed by months of non-stop working.
I don't know.
Ug.... I just feel like I haven't acutally enjoyed something, ANYTHING, in forever. Sure, I go out and DO THINGS... And I have a "good" time. But it's just not the way it should be
There is always this nagging anxiety behind everything in my life... there always has been. I've never felt comfortable letting go, and just having fun. I can count those times, the times when I really just left go on both hands.. When I start to feel TOO happy, it is immediately replaced by guilt, and shame.... Of all the things that should be doing, rather than wasting time being frivilous. (time is money)
I always was an over acheiver. ALWAYS. I truely believe that you can pretty much over achieve yourself out of any situation, and that working EXTRA HARD, is the true salvation from your problems.
But recently, I have been feeling the darker side of over achieving.
Why exactly do people OVER WORK?
The simple answer is to have a better life. And in that sense, I feel that I am succeeding.. My life is way better than my parents. I get to travel, get up when I want, do things I like, be my own boss. Frankly, it's awesome. (most of the time)
But couldn't I do all this with a sense of balance? Couldn't I still do my best, but not tie ALL myself worth as a person to my acomplishments. SHOULDN'T I try to find a way to not HATE MYSELF if I make one mistake? Why can't I understand that If I make mistake, or miss a deadline, or something, that I am still an awesome person, and that my value, and worthiness for love isn't in some way diminised? (thanks alot, dad)
It's bullshit... I am starting to finally realize that overworking myself so that I don't have the time (or energy) to think about my past is just not working as a defense mechanism anymore. It's a shame, it has served me well for allmost 30 years.
Not that I am going to stop be an over achiever, that is who I am. I think now I am finally starting to really take to heart what I have been told by EVERYONE for years.
"You are too hard on yourself"
But of course I am, If I'm not hard on myself, who will be? If I don't expect the best out of EVERYTHING I DO, how can I expect the best out of anyone else?
I feel like I am living in a paradox. Even though I rationally know that I NEED to not beat myself up over every little thing, inside I feel like I am less of a person, and a FAILURE.
Acutally, the more successful I become, the more like a FAILURE I feel inside. Mistakes are worth more, mean more, effect more. More is at stake.
Like the rappers say,
"Mo Money, Mo Problems"
I don't know.
Ug.... I just feel like I haven't acutally enjoyed something, ANYTHING, in forever. Sure, I go out and DO THINGS... And I have a "good" time. But it's just not the way it should be
There is always this nagging anxiety behind everything in my life... there always has been. I've never felt comfortable letting go, and just having fun. I can count those times, the times when I really just left go on both hands.. When I start to feel TOO happy, it is immediately replaced by guilt, and shame.... Of all the things that should be doing, rather than wasting time being frivilous. (time is money)
I always was an over acheiver. ALWAYS. I truely believe that you can pretty much over achieve yourself out of any situation, and that working EXTRA HARD, is the true salvation from your problems.
But recently, I have been feeling the darker side of over achieving.
Why exactly do people OVER WORK?
The simple answer is to have a better life. And in that sense, I feel that I am succeeding.. My life is way better than my parents. I get to travel, get up when I want, do things I like, be my own boss. Frankly, it's awesome. (most of the time)
But couldn't I do all this with a sense of balance? Couldn't I still do my best, but not tie ALL myself worth as a person to my acomplishments. SHOULDN'T I try to find a way to not HATE MYSELF if I make one mistake? Why can't I understand that If I make mistake, or miss a deadline, or something, that I am still an awesome person, and that my value, and worthiness for love isn't in some way diminised? (thanks alot, dad)
It's bullshit... I am starting to finally realize that overworking myself so that I don't have the time (or energy) to think about my past is just not working as a defense mechanism anymore. It's a shame, it has served me well for allmost 30 years.
Not that I am going to stop be an over achiever, that is who I am. I think now I am finally starting to really take to heart what I have been told by EVERYONE for years.
"You are too hard on yourself"
But of course I am, If I'm not hard on myself, who will be? If I don't expect the best out of EVERYTHING I DO, how can I expect the best out of anyone else?
I feel like I am living in a paradox. Even though I rationally know that I NEED to not beat myself up over every little thing, inside I feel like I am less of a person, and a FAILURE.
Acutally, the more successful I become, the more like a FAILURE I feel inside. Mistakes are worth more, mean more, effect more. More is at stake.
Like the rappers say,
"Mo Money, Mo Problems"