Supernatural - Oneshot - "Singularity"
Title: Singularity
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: PG
Characters: Castiel, mentions of Dean and Sam
Summary: Castiel thought he knew and understood. Then he realized that he didn't. Then he did. Introspective.
~*~
You've watched him for millennium. Eons of births and deaths, both those of stars and galaxies, and those of blinks between moments.
You've known him since before he was born, but you've never really known him at all.
You've seen him do great deeds, selfless deeds. You've seen him offering his own immortal soul - that which is beyond price or value - for the few measly decades allocated to his mortal brother. You've seen this, yet you've still questioned this. You've despaired over this.
You've seen him do deeds beyond horror. Selfish deeds. You've seen his fear, his agony in the loss of family, in being left behind. You've seen him sell his immortal soul - his God-given soul - for the promise of maybe one last year spent with his brother. You saw this act and you understood the full consequences of it: two souls are ultimately lost where none needed to lose.
Because.
Sam was in Heaven when the selfishness and the fear of his brother pulled him down to Earth again. And then, even later, the truth of his brother's actions would push Sam even further down than Dean ever was. (Because when Dean broke in Hell and became a monster like the one he'd been hunting all his life, it was all part of the plan. It was all for the greater good, and as such it was in the service of Good. But when Sam broke a little more each day he was alone - brother-less - on Earth, it was while consorting with demons and following their plan. Not Heaven's. Sam made choices - however unwittingly - in the service of Evil.)
You've seen this.
You've seen Dean in Hell. Both the hell he lived while on Earth and the Hell he chose in death. You've seen him stand tall in defiance and you've challenged this arrogance in him. You've seen him fall again and again. He's fallen more times than you know how to count, but he's always pushed himself up again. You see the truth, and this is it; he's always risen one time more than he's fallen. And that one time more is all you've ever needed to count.
You wonder if maybe his arrogance isn't earned after all.
You've watched Dean Winchester since birth.
You've known Dean Winchester since birth.
You think maybe you've never known him at all.
He doesn't think he deserves to be saved...
You thought you knew everything about humans.
You thought you knew everything about Dean.
It is only now, when you walk in the flesh of a mortal - with mortal feelings and mortal senses - that you've begun to question.
You watch him now. Not from a higher perspective, but from the same level he is on. (But not quite - not yet - because he's still a man, and you're still an angel. But it's still close enough now. Now that you wear this foreign form like a far too small suit.)
You question now.
This is the crux of it.
You watch him now through mortal eyes - blue eyes - and suddenly you see so much more.
The realization staggers you, and now that you're aware of the difference between looking through encumbering lenses, or no lenses at all - and angel eyes are fallible you think, but you never voice it out loud - you can't stop looking.
You see:
Dean Winchester.
But now Dean Winchester is synonymous with Look after your brother, Dean. And Watch out for Sam, Dean. And How could you let Sam get hurt, Dean? And Don't even let the monsters get a look at him, Dean. And Look after your brother, Dean. And SamSamSamSamSam....
And you don't understand this. How could one being possibly give his everything for someone else. How could one person - a human - focus so much on someone else as to forget his own value completely.
And then, maybe you understand after all. Because you know this devotion. You've heard and seen this devotion since your own creation and you recognize the rhyme, only for you it goes FatherFatherFatherFatherFatherFather...
...But Dean is still only human, and you've only ever seen that kind of devotion in angels before.
Dean's devotion is blasphemous in its singularity, but nonetheless admirable for just that.
And still, there is this:
He doesn't believe he's worthy of being saved!
And again you question. Because even angels - created as they are to be servants - believe that they are worth something.
You question if maybe Dean isn't right after all. You think maybe angels are too arrogant in their existence by far.
Angels who think that by their singular devotion to their father, they are rightful and worthy.
Dean who has his singular devotion to his brother, but still doesn't think he's worthy of being Sam's brother. Dean, who thinks that no matter what he does - because of all that he's failed to do - he'll never be worthy.
You think of the angels again. You and your brothers who were told this: Love them as you love Me.
You think of all that you've failed to do.
You stare into green eyes in a green room and you question.
You find an answer in a flash of defiance burning bright.
He doesn't believe himself worthy, and he'll never Love enough.
And He'll always raise himself up again one more time because to give less than his all is unworthy of Sam's - his brother's love - his Father's love - hidden in the command of his Word...
You stop questioning.
You obey.
Love them as you love Me.
Your devotion is singular and unchanged. And now it goes DeanDeanDeanDeanDeanDeanDean...
~*~