(no subject)
i haven't cried in a long time, haven't felt the exquisite comfort of misery. i thrive on it. it makes me whole. i can think clearly. my eyes puffy, my lips swollen and sore, my face as red as the words i release in my confusion. my anger. it's always a release. i can barely breathe in this comfort, in the discomfort i feel when things are well. what do i feel? am i myself?
i watch myself to breach the gap, to feel less lonely: "oh that's what i look like." still, no one really knows what they look like. at any moment of any day, i can recall megan's face. her smile, the shape of her eyes, her nose, the way her hair surrounds it all. it's familiar. but every time i watch myself on video i'm mesmerized. is that really what i look like? walking around i'm not aware of it. i walk with a bounce. i don't look at my feet anymore. i look confident. i look my age. when did that happen? since when have i looked so comfortable in my body?
sometimes, when looking at old pictures of myself or reading old journal entires, i wonder if everyone is this obsessed with themselves. i think it's a reasonable question. do you literally spend hours pondering your existence -- who you are as a person? are you astonished by it? do you nearly lust after yourself? because i sort of do. i think it's funny whenever people ask, "if you were another person, would you date yourself?" because i actually would. my interests are perfect. my mind is not foreign to me. these freckles on my arms, they're beautiful. i know how to pleasure myself, how to make myself happy. i read and i write and i fucking enjoy it. i sing and i love the freedom it brings. i love my voice. i think that i am an extraordinary person...
does everyone feel this way? probably not.
i watch myself to breach the gap, to feel less lonely: "oh that's what i look like." still, no one really knows what they look like. at any moment of any day, i can recall megan's face. her smile, the shape of her eyes, her nose, the way her hair surrounds it all. it's familiar. but every time i watch myself on video i'm mesmerized. is that really what i look like? walking around i'm not aware of it. i walk with a bounce. i don't look at my feet anymore. i look confident. i look my age. when did that happen? since when have i looked so comfortable in my body?
sometimes, when looking at old pictures of myself or reading old journal entires, i wonder if everyone is this obsessed with themselves. i think it's a reasonable question. do you literally spend hours pondering your existence -- who you are as a person? are you astonished by it? do you nearly lust after yourself? because i sort of do. i think it's funny whenever people ask, "if you were another person, would you date yourself?" because i actually would. my interests are perfect. my mind is not foreign to me. these freckles on my arms, they're beautiful. i know how to pleasure myself, how to make myself happy. i read and i write and i fucking enjoy it. i sing and i love the freedom it brings. i love my voice. i think that i am an extraordinary person...
does everyone feel this way? probably not.