It's been a year
Since Cil died. It still hurts so much. I know I have to let it go, but that is so very fucking hard. Mostly it's guilt and anger at myself. I should have known. I was right there. What kind of chiurgeon am I to let that happen, it's so very very basic. I haven't been an active chiurgeon since. I've thought about it but I'm not sure that I could be again, not after that. I let her die...I let her die laying right next to me. I've gotten sympathy and I really don't want it. I don't feel I deserve it. I know I messed up, there is no denying the fact. I don't know how I'm going to trust myself not to mess up again. But, for Renee's sake I've got to try......and I think that's the only thing that will allow me to continue from day to day. She believes in me even if I can't believe in myself. That's the only thread of hope I have to hold on to right now.