(no subject)
Forgive the typos, it is late.
Real quick: People who make commercials for cellphones either need to take a different approach to their products, or die. Either way, this needs to stop. Nobody in the history of the universe has ever seriously referred to their cell as their "wireless." Just. Call it. A cellphone. Or a cell. Why is it that so many companies have this blind spot to their customers? What is with this love affair with the word? It was functionally the exact same word as "cordless" until people fell under the illusion that a cord and a wire are different in the context of phones. This is the word that they're clinging to in the face of all business logic?
Speaking of which: "Bath Tissue." Seriously? Who put any thought into the construction fo that term? Let's not get into how I feel about the people who need to disassociate the idea of wiping their asses (and other things) with the word "toilet." "I will drag this fabric over my anus and remove the particles and smears of fecal matter, but for the love of God, don't make me use the t-word. I'd much rather think about a bath. Oh, even better, a puppy! I like kitties! Hey, can we call these kitty sheets? I like that much better. I'm going to drop by Target and pick up some kitty sheets. While we're at it, can we stop calling it a toilet? Can we get a French word? Wait, it IS French? Well, let's get a better one."
Okay, rant over.
I remain as militantly anti-take'n'bake as ever. The business model of Papa Murphy's remains baffling to me. Don't tell me there aren't better pizzas out there for the same amount of money in the frozen foods section of the average grocery store. If I pay someone for pizza-related labor, they're not going to go through the trouble of bringing it to me, or even operating an oven? This is a despicable corruption of the I-give-you-money-you-give-me-pizza tradition.
I'm finally getting to RPG quotes. Bear in mind that we're usually decently tired when these get logged. Also, keep in mind that most of these are less hilarious out of context. Case in point, the first one.
"How much are you going to drink?"
"Enough to where I stop feeling lousy."
See, if you didn't know that he'd been poisoned, and I was asking him how much anti-poison stuff he was going to drink, that wouldn't be as funny. More as follows.
A mystical voice arises outside the lair of the Seer...
"What is your name?"
"I am Mickey the Monkey Wrench, Fucker-Upper of People's Shit!"
"What is your function?"
"I fuck that shit ALL THE WAY UP."
"What is your purpose here?"
"I'll give you two guesses. But hurry it up, time's a-wastin'."
"We've only had time to break a window and throw a badger out of it."
"Apparently, I'm some sort of mystical monkey god with powers I didn't even know."
"When the monsters come to raid your town and eat your children, you can use these weapons to kill them! ...I mean the monsters, not the children."
"That's what happens when you leave things in things...they stay there."
"I'm not going over there and just taking that. I'm not a thief."
"Says the guy with 'some guy's wallet' written in his inventory."
"I think they should invent a ring of protection from child molesters."
"I'm pretty sure they call that herpes."
"You realize these spiders are about as big as your head, right?"
"Those are the tasty kind!"
"You shouldn't have slept with that guy!"
"Well, Greg was wounded, and we didn't have the money to get him healed!"
"YES WE DID."
"Well, now we can afford it again. See if you can get injured around a cuter priest."
"Okay. I'm going to shoot at the owlbears."
"Alright. Are you going to aim for anything in particular?"
"Yes. The owlbears."
"What do I see?"
"To the left, there are worgs, who are eating your henchman."
"What else is there?"
"Hey guys, I think I found a clue!"
"Jinkies!"
"Ew! This pencil smells like...pencil!"
"It takes a special kind of audacity to be surprised by that."
"Sure, I know a little bit about him. And for fifty gold, I'll know a little more."
"That doesn't make sense. I've had plenty of gold, and it didn't make me any smarter."
"I can tell."
"I don't think my brother wants me sleeping with anyone else."
"This is your own trial. You must face this alone. But do come back and let us know how it went."
"Where would you find a closet?"
"In houses, where closets live!"
"Us try find invisible bag that way."
"We didn't see any invisible bags."
"Hey, this not feel like bag!"
"But does it feel like invisible bag?"
"I thought you were a virgin!"
"No, I'm not! That's how we have a priest!"
"Baku has trained the mounts to hate. He brought them to the dark side of the horse."
The party opens the door to the room of the man they want to get to identify their items. They ask him "Are you the loremaster?" He peers at the one who speaks, and says "Are you the gatekeeper?"
"What's the cinder block for?"
"In case I'm a dick."
(This may or may not be better in context...anybody remember what the lead-up was?)
"Say...you're pretty cute."
"Er, no thanks, I have a...uh...brother."
"So you're going to go through and kill all the evil people? Sure, we'll tag along. That's fun for the whole alignment spectrum."
"Logic? I think you'll find that pointless. Just go with it. We do."
"Any idea where the dragons went?"
"You mean the ice dragons? Yeah. Toward the snow."
"Why am I getting wet?"
"Because you let somebody eat your tacos."
(believe it or not, this one had a non-perverted origin)
"Oh come on, you're saying you don't have value, like you're not worth anything?"
"Not me! I know what I'm worth!"
"Nothing, that's what we paid for you."
"I think those guys were priests of a dark god!"
"Which one?"
"Both of them."
"Okay. I set the beached boat on fire."
"The spiders inside begin fleeing for their lives, some on fire, some not. They jump around, run onto the sand, and panic. After the fire grows higher and covers the person-sized hole you made where you found the webs inside, you begin to hear a screaming from the back of the ship."
"Like, a person screaming?"
"Yes, like a person screaming."
"Is the fire back there yet?"
"It sure is."
"Aw, crap, we have to save him."
"Whoa, whoa guys...says who?"
"He's going to burn to death."
"Well, he should have thought of that before he got on a boat full of flaming spiders."
That does it for page one. Page two later. I don't want this post to go supernova.
Real quick: People who make commercials for cellphones either need to take a different approach to their products, or die. Either way, this needs to stop. Nobody in the history of the universe has ever seriously referred to their cell as their "wireless." Just. Call it. A cellphone. Or a cell. Why is it that so many companies have this blind spot to their customers? What is with this love affair with the word? It was functionally the exact same word as "cordless" until people fell under the illusion that a cord and a wire are different in the context of phones. This is the word that they're clinging to in the face of all business logic?
Speaking of which: "Bath Tissue." Seriously? Who put any thought into the construction fo that term? Let's not get into how I feel about the people who need to disassociate the idea of wiping their asses (and other things) with the word "toilet." "I will drag this fabric over my anus and remove the particles and smears of fecal matter, but for the love of God, don't make me use the t-word. I'd much rather think about a bath. Oh, even better, a puppy! I like kitties! Hey, can we call these kitty sheets? I like that much better. I'm going to drop by Target and pick up some kitty sheets. While we're at it, can we stop calling it a toilet? Can we get a French word? Wait, it IS French? Well, let's get a better one."
Okay, rant over.
I remain as militantly anti-take'n'bake as ever. The business model of Papa Murphy's remains baffling to me. Don't tell me there aren't better pizzas out there for the same amount of money in the frozen foods section of the average grocery store. If I pay someone for pizza-related labor, they're not going to go through the trouble of bringing it to me, or even operating an oven? This is a despicable corruption of the I-give-you-money-you-give-me-pizza tradition.
I'm finally getting to RPG quotes. Bear in mind that we're usually decently tired when these get logged. Also, keep in mind that most of these are less hilarious out of context. Case in point, the first one.
"How much are you going to drink?"
"Enough to where I stop feeling lousy."
See, if you didn't know that he'd been poisoned, and I was asking him how much anti-poison stuff he was going to drink, that wouldn't be as funny. More as follows.
A mystical voice arises outside the lair of the Seer...
"What is your name?"
"I am Mickey the Monkey Wrench, Fucker-Upper of People's Shit!"
"What is your function?"
"I fuck that shit ALL THE WAY UP."
"What is your purpose here?"
"I'll give you two guesses. But hurry it up, time's a-wastin'."
"We've only had time to break a window and throw a badger out of it."
"Apparently, I'm some sort of mystical monkey god with powers I didn't even know."
"When the monsters come to raid your town and eat your children, you can use these weapons to kill them! ...I mean the monsters, not the children."
"That's what happens when you leave things in things...they stay there."
"I'm not going over there and just taking that. I'm not a thief."
"Says the guy with 'some guy's wallet' written in his inventory."
"I think they should invent a ring of protection from child molesters."
"I'm pretty sure they call that herpes."
"You realize these spiders are about as big as your head, right?"
"Those are the tasty kind!"
"You shouldn't have slept with that guy!"
"Well, Greg was wounded, and we didn't have the money to get him healed!"
"YES WE DID."
"Well, now we can afford it again. See if you can get injured around a cuter priest."
"Okay. I'm going to shoot at the owlbears."
"Alright. Are you going to aim for anything in particular?"
"Yes. The owlbears."
"What do I see?"
"To the left, there are worgs, who are eating your henchman."
"What else is there?"
"Hey guys, I think I found a clue!"
"Jinkies!"
"Ew! This pencil smells like...pencil!"
"It takes a special kind of audacity to be surprised by that."
"Sure, I know a little bit about him. And for fifty gold, I'll know a little more."
"That doesn't make sense. I've had plenty of gold, and it didn't make me any smarter."
"I can tell."
"I don't think my brother wants me sleeping with anyone else."
"This is your own trial. You must face this alone. But do come back and let us know how it went."
"Where would you find a closet?"
"In houses, where closets live!"
"Us try find invisible bag that way."
"We didn't see any invisible bags."
"Hey, this not feel like bag!"
"But does it feel like invisible bag?"
"I thought you were a virgin!"
"No, I'm not! That's how we have a priest!"
"Baku has trained the mounts to hate. He brought them to the dark side of the horse."
The party opens the door to the room of the man they want to get to identify their items. They ask him "Are you the loremaster?" He peers at the one who speaks, and says "Are you the gatekeeper?"
"What's the cinder block for?"
"In case I'm a dick."
(This may or may not be better in context...anybody remember what the lead-up was?)
"Say...you're pretty cute."
"Er, no thanks, I have a...uh...brother."
"So you're going to go through and kill all the evil people? Sure, we'll tag along. That's fun for the whole alignment spectrum."
"Logic? I think you'll find that pointless. Just go with it. We do."
"Any idea where the dragons went?"
"You mean the ice dragons? Yeah. Toward the snow."
"Why am I getting wet?"
"Because you let somebody eat your tacos."
(believe it or not, this one had a non-perverted origin)
"Oh come on, you're saying you don't have value, like you're not worth anything?"
"Not me! I know what I'm worth!"
"Nothing, that's what we paid for you."
"I think those guys were priests of a dark god!"
"Which one?"
"Both of them."
"Okay. I set the beached boat on fire."
"The spiders inside begin fleeing for their lives, some on fire, some not. They jump around, run onto the sand, and panic. After the fire grows higher and covers the person-sized hole you made where you found the webs inside, you begin to hear a screaming from the back of the ship."
"Like, a person screaming?"
"Yes, like a person screaming."
"Is the fire back there yet?"
"It sure is."
"Aw, crap, we have to save him."
"Whoa, whoa guys...says who?"
"He's going to burn to death."
"Well, he should have thought of that before he got on a boat full of flaming spiders."
That does it for page one. Page two later. I don't want this post to go supernova.