A Confession... of sorts

[eldanis]

I’ll go ahead and forewarn those of you who are only watching me for me art, or who are not religious, or not Christian, that those subjects are what this entry are all about. Namely, my religion, Christianity, and the fact that I’m bored to death.

Comments

[oneiroelpida]

By the way, just to purely convince you that I really DO think you'll enjoy "What was I thinking?" Here's the blurb from the inside cover: There was a time when I t hought that knowing the truth was enough. I defended it (still do) taught it (still do), and believed that if you got the truth right, everything else would be right.

I'm a lot older now, and some wiser. I was wrong. I got the words right, but I missed the tune.

This book is about the tune.

This is a book written by an old guy who started out with teh right words but has spent most of his life learning hte tune. Along the way, I've discovered that the Christian faith is far more radical and far less cerebral than I thought it was.

I'm tired of glib answers to hard questions, irrelevent "God words", and stark,cold foundations on which no house has ever been built. This book is not about the foundations (i.e. the words). If you're still struggling with the truth of the Christian faith, read another book. In this book are my second thoughts on matters of first importance, with the hope of putting music to the words. So.... can you carry a tune?"

I believe I've introduced this book to you before, in retrospect, and you mentioned you used to listen to him on the radio? To me, the book is significant because it shakes the shackles off of Christians and flatly says that some things can't be explained easily, but that doesn't mean they don't happen. It gave me a bit more confident in being what my father and mother would consider a 'liberal' Christian- even as I am, in fact, quite conservative in real life, as you know. But theology isn't the same as politics, and how crucial that is to realize. Annnnnyway. I love you and miss you and you have to come visit me soonish! I also hope your retreat went well.

[eldanis]

First off, DARN YOU FOR TELLING ME ABOUT CRUNCHYROLL. Too many hours of my life are going into that website. Though the fact that Kaneshiro Takeshi is far, far more beautiful than any human being has a right to be may have something to do with it as well. Which also means that I'm being a bad kid and watching stuff other than Glass Mask, but anyway.

Second, darn you for being such a good writer. Just reading your comments -- throw-away writing, some might say -- impresses that on me anew.

Third, isn't it a little ironic that I'm replying to comments on this entry exactly a week after writing it?

Fourth, how was the Savannah thing? Did you still end up going?

Fifth, umm, getting to the actual point, I guess. I think the thing you said that hit me hardest, and which I cannot argue at all, is that my faith is hurting and I don't want to believe it is. You're right, and I can't deny it. I'm making myself out to be superior, and it's childish. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be bored in church, to be cynical about the sermon, to sit in my pew and either ignore or mentally talk back at my dad as he's delivering the message he's been given for the week. He's been talking for the past few weeks, going through his current series, about how much he's been learning just preparing his sermons. And I envy him. I want to be interested, and to feel like I don't know everything, because I know I don't know everything, but I feel like I do. I think maybe I'm starting to learn that needing to have faith like a child doesn't mean having faith like an idiot, but faith that is enraptured the way that children are so much better than adults at being.

But anyway, I'm getting rambly, and not in a nice eloquent way like you do. I need to read that Steve Brown book, and I need to talk to you about this more, in person. Yet another excuse to come visit, I guess. XD I love you and miss you too.

[oneiroelpida]

Doko wa Kaneshiro Takeshi? This name I do not know. From what you say, this may be a crime. I plead innocence through ignorance. But Crunchy Roll is love. They have all of Sauinkoku on it if you feel like watching the prettiness there. <3

As for Savannah, I didn't get to. :( My medicine was doubled on Thursday and it just threw me for some loops in terms of my body's adjustment. I made mom go ahead and go, however, so at least it didn't stop her from getting to be there.

I think what's so difficult for us to grasp about faith like a child is that we have yet to grasp what God IS. We've discussed before the perspective of immortal creatures like fae and vampires and all that and how they would perceive humanity- but something vastly more powerful than them, vastly older, immeasurably unlimited in what he can do... Yet God created humanity and regards it with particular care. We are, in fact, ignorant fools and can be nothing else when it comes to God. We are infants... barely born... in our comprehension of God and the universe. In fact, I think God was probably giving us quite a high goal to reach when he says "child" to us, because that denotes something that can walk and speak, while for the most part, humanity is still learning that it can roll over and that a smile on someone's face is a good thing. When looked at it in that light, to become a child and gain their faith before we die is quite an optimistic outlook, eh?

Not that I've mastered any of the above, mind you. As I said, my faith is in a horrible state right now and I realize it. I can simply say what my soul tells me to be true. Making my mind accept it and my heart feel it are quite different matters and I've got alot to work on.

And yes, yes,you know my door is open to you anytime. Well. Okay. My door, even in the apartment, was rarely open. But that never stopped you from opening it, so feel free. ;)