A Confession... of sorts

[eldanis]

I’ll go ahead and forewarn those of you who are only watching me for me art, or who are not religious, or not Christian, that those subjects are what this entry are all about. Namely, my religion, Christianity, and the fact that I’m bored to death.

Comments

[oneiroelpida]

You and I are sort of at the same place, except I've gone the step further into jaded.

Pratchett once said that he was mad at God for not existing. This is, by nature and by his own admission, contradictory. You can't be mad at something for not existing. I believe C.S. Lewis also indicated this in one of his books, which is why Pratchett commenting on the same thing in an interview struck me so strongly.

I, on the other hand, am mad at God for not showing me he exists. Because I know he does. As you stated it, there is no feeling in me that God is not there. There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus Christ did come to Earth as the incarnation of God, that he sacrificed himself and that he did so as fully man and fully God- that he HAD to do it this way in order to truly attone for humanity and yet still grant us the grace necessary for redemption. In a sense, I almost chide myself for daring to feel like that is not -enough-. I have been given grace by the hand that created the cosmos and I still feel cheated. Humans really are such selfish brats, aren't we?

You know why I feel the way I do. I pray for God to hear me. I beg- and nothing changes. The anxiety and sickness is still present within me, gnawing away my strength and my faith. Yet, as I've learned from Shinkou and her claws, sometimes you have to go through the gauntlet in order to earn the right to Faith again, and you'll have the scars to remind you. Then later, Faith digs her nails into you again when you're not paying attention precisely because you're not paying attention.

I even have the audacity to sometimes feel used by God when it comes to my past. When I used to be more firery, and I pulled my friend back from suicide and now he's happily married with a kid and entering the mission field... and anxiety drove me from finishing college. I've thought, "God, is that all the purpose you had for me in life? Was I simply to save him so he could do your work and I have no use to you anymore?" Ah, this is the child in me. The little girl who kicks and screams and begs for it not to be true - but for so much of her life, she was unwanted and it was true, so how does my logical mind soothe her with assurances of heavenly love? Yet, I think of my grandfather, and so clearly was God in him that it's almost painful to remember.

-Cut off to continue in another comment cuz this one is getting WAY TOO LONG

[oneiroelpida]

I had a dream the other night. I was at my grandparent's house in Florida, and I knew two men were in the house. I knew they had short names, somehow, and they felt like brothers, and one of them was tall and lanky, but I didn't know him or see either of them. I simply knew. In the dream, I was sleeping in the other room, and couldn't wake up. I kept trying.. I kept hearing them talk and laugh, but I was paralyzed, unable to pull myself awake. Then the kitchen door opened and I heard my grandfather enter, laughing. I wanted so badly to go to him and I couldn't. I could hear him so clearly... I wanted him to come rouse me so I could see him, but he simply stayed with the two men laughing and sounding so happy. Then I woke up and cried for two hours, wishing so badly I could have simply seen him in the dream. I asked my mother later if my grandfather had any brothers that were passed, and she said yes, but they weren't Christians. I pursued it, asking if, perhaps, there would be anyone who would feel like they were brothers. It turns out that my grandmother's brother was named Don and was the one who had led my grandfather to Christ,who had died mere weeks before Grandpa. (In the dream, I kept thinking I heard "Ron" but thinking that it wasn't somehow right. My mother's brother is named Ron, so I had previously chalked it up to that. The other man, I knew, was lanky like Ron is, but I knew it wasn't Ron.) My mother chuckled when I said that and said, "My Uncle Joe was considered like a brother to dad. He died a long time ago. He was lanky and homely, and we thought my Aunt was crazy, but then we all adored him... and he always made everyone around him laugh." I remembered, when talking to mom, that in the dream, both of the men had turned and welcomed Grandpa home, saying it was about time. Which I had thought was odd, because I didn't know either of them. Whenever I remember the dream, even days later now, I can't quit crying because of the sheer disappointment of wanting to see him. I couldn't wake up and go because I wasn't supposed to. That's not where I belong yet. But God, Oh God, how badly I wanted to. Yet, I can only explain it as God letting me know he was okay. That he's there laughing with the men he considered as his brothers. That he's home. The only reason I cry is because -I- don't get to be there.

In returning to your particular problem, you're suffering from several angles. One is that you have an intellectual desire to know more- but what you're probably not realizing, and is annoying and painful to realize but believe me, it's there- is that your FAITH is hurting. You see, when you fully, truly, comprehend how amazing God is, the intellectual stuff is what seems boring. But, Bethany, we're intellectual creatures. Don't I know it! It's something I've struggled with my entire life. But, Bethany, "All Praise The Lord" "Oh Holy Night" "Just believe in him" is so boring and horrifically banal! To that I say Amen, sister, Amen! Yet... is it? Could it be that you and I are, secretly, jealous of that simple faith? I know I am. I wish I could have the faith my mother has. The faith my Grandfather had. I never saw God so clearly in any intellectual than I did in my Grandfather who didn't graduate highschool and never read a single intellectual theory. But I held his Bible after he died. A verse he had highlighted in it was the one about how if you do not tell others about the sin, then that sin is also yours, but if you do, you are clear of that sin. Talk about a heavy verse... the burden I know my grandfather felt that he could not convince his own brother before he died.

Regardless, I highly recommend the book "What was I thinking?" by Steve Brown. It's a bit pretentious in parts, but the whole book is essentially about the fact that we think we know everything because you and I have been raised in the Christian church. The book is about one man's discovery that there's a whole lot he didn't understand despite the fact that he taught the Bible himself. It's interesting because I see alot of myself in what he says about 'knowing everything'. I can't think this post really helped you all that much, but...you got to read my rambling again.

[oneiroelpida]

By the way, just to purely convince you that I really DO think you'll enjoy "What was I thinking?" Here's the blurb from the inside cover: There was a time when I t hought that knowing the truth was enough. I defended it (still do) taught it (still do), and believed that if you got the truth right, everything else would be right.

I'm a lot older now, and some wiser. I was wrong. I got the words right, but I missed the tune.

This book is about the tune.

This is a book written by an old guy who started out with teh right words but has spent most of his life learning hte tune. Along the way, I've discovered that the Christian faith is far more radical and far less cerebral than I thought it was.

I'm tired of glib answers to hard questions, irrelevent "God words", and stark,cold foundations on which no house has ever been built. This book is not about the foundations (i.e. the words). If you're still struggling with the truth of the Christian faith, read another book. In this book are my second thoughts on matters of first importance, with the hope of putting music to the words. So.... can you carry a tune?"

I believe I've introduced this book to you before, in retrospect, and you mentioned you used to listen to him on the radio? To me, the book is significant because it shakes the shackles off of Christians and flatly says that some things can't be explained easily, but that doesn't mean they don't happen. It gave me a bit more confident in being what my father and mother would consider a 'liberal' Christian- even as I am, in fact, quite conservative in real life, as you know. But theology isn't the same as politics, and how crucial that is to realize. Annnnnyway. I love you and miss you and you have to come visit me soonish! I also hope your retreat went well.

[eldanis]

First off, DARN YOU FOR TELLING ME ABOUT CRUNCHYROLL. Too many hours of my life are going into that website. Though the fact that Kaneshiro Takeshi is far, far more beautiful than any human being has a right to be may have something to do with it as well. Which also means that I'm being a bad kid and watching stuff other than Glass Mask, but anyway.

Second, darn you for being such a good writer. Just reading your comments -- throw-away writing, some might say -- impresses that on me anew.

Third, isn't it a little ironic that I'm replying to comments on this entry exactly a week after writing it?

Fourth, how was the Savannah thing? Did you still end up going?

Fifth, umm, getting to the actual point, I guess. I think the thing you said that hit me hardest, and which I cannot argue at all, is that my faith is hurting and I don't want to believe it is. You're right, and I can't deny it. I'm making myself out to be superior, and it's childish. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be bored in church, to be cynical about the sermon, to sit in my pew and either ignore or mentally talk back at my dad as he's delivering the message he's been given for the week. He's been talking for the past few weeks, going through his current series, about how much he's been learning just preparing his sermons. And I envy him. I want to be interested, and to feel like I don't know everything, because I know I don't know everything, but I feel like I do. I think maybe I'm starting to learn that needing to have faith like a child doesn't mean having faith like an idiot, but faith that is enraptured the way that children are so much better than adults at being.

But anyway, I'm getting rambly, and not in a nice eloquent way like you do. I need to read that Steve Brown book, and I need to talk to you about this more, in person. Yet another excuse to come visit, I guess. XD I love you and miss you too.

[oneiroelpida]

Doko wa Kaneshiro Takeshi? This name I do not know. From what you say, this may be a crime. I plead innocence through ignorance. But Crunchy Roll is love. They have all of Sauinkoku on it if you feel like watching the prettiness there. <3

As for Savannah, I didn't get to. :( My medicine was doubled on Thursday and it just threw me for some loops in terms of my body's adjustment. I made mom go ahead and go, however, so at least it didn't stop her from getting to be there.

I think what's so difficult for us to grasp about faith like a child is that we have yet to grasp what God IS. We've discussed before the perspective of immortal creatures like fae and vampires and all that and how they would perceive humanity- but something vastly more powerful than them, vastly older, immeasurably unlimited in what he can do... Yet God created humanity and regards it with particular care. We are, in fact, ignorant fools and can be nothing else when it comes to God. We are infants... barely born... in our comprehension of God and the universe. In fact, I think God was probably giving us quite a high goal to reach when he says "child" to us, because that denotes something that can walk and speak, while for the most part, humanity is still learning that it can roll over and that a smile on someone's face is a good thing. When looked at it in that light, to become a child and gain their faith before we die is quite an optimistic outlook, eh?

Not that I've mastered any of the above, mind you. As I said, my faith is in a horrible state right now and I realize it. I can simply say what my soul tells me to be true. Making my mind accept it and my heart feel it are quite different matters and I've got alot to work on.

And yes, yes,you know my door is open to you anytime. Well. Okay. My door, even in the apartment, was rarely open. But that never stopped you from opening it, so feel free. ;)

[aisyrn]

I merely want to state what an amazing dream I find that to be. I agree with your assessment that God was speaking to you, and it is hearing of such times of direct communication that I become truly awestruck. And a little jealous. :)