(no subject)
Know me broken by my master
Teach thee on child of love hereafter
Into the flood again
Same old trip it was back then
So I made a big mistake
Try to see it once my way
Drifting body it's sole desertion
Flying not yet quite the notion
Am I wrong?
Have I run too far to get home
Have I gone?
And left you here alone
If I would, could you?
Would? By Alice In Chains. Because I like that song.
Bleh. Its Sunday. I'm back from OBA. I am tired. I am sick. I am not happy.
The day started out very well. I got to talk to Kami before I left, and of course that couldn't be anything but a good thing for me. The after-effects of that lasted for quite a while afterward. I was cheerful all the way there, and I marched the best that I ever have during prelims. This only brought my mood up even more.
I found the Tecumseh band people and sat with Jacob and his girlfriend Britts for a bit. I was happy to see my youth minister Kent, and Mitchell and Brian and Chris and Michael (chris's younger brother), who made up about half of my church family, including Jacob. And they liked our show, so that was good. I stood with Brian and saw their show on the after-video thing, since they'd marched before we arrived. They were pretty good, but they didn't make finals.
Then I spent the rest of my free time before the finals awards watching shows with Garrette and Doug. At dinner I chanced drinking a soda, since I hadn't had one in over a month. I would have drank Dr. Pepper, since that has the smallest effect on my stomach. But guess what? They didn't have Dr. Pepper. So I had to be a fool and grab a coke instead. Very bad move on my part. >< Stupid coke. Ruined everything.
So we run around putting uniforms back on and getting ready for our finals performance. The entire while I am feeling more and more sick. By the time we were dressed and in order and on our way down the warm-up area, I must have been green in the face. By that time, everyone had finally woken up and realized that this was OBA; this was the contest which we had practiced our rears off for, here it was, and we were going to do great. We had to, or it all would be meaningless. Even the dumbest people of our band were finally grasping that.
So we marched, and in a cruel contradiction, it was my worst ever. I stumbled several times, got out of step, even though I corrected myself, missed sets, and ran into someone. And I was sick to my stomach. We ended up getting eighth out of twelve.
Why, why, why? Why do I have to be so stupid!?!? We were all so pumped, full of energy, ready to do our best, and sure we would make it to the top six. Our show had improved tenfold since Putnam City. The crowd loved it in the prelims. Then I had to get cocky and practically cripple myself, telling myself that I deserved a reward for doing well, and then I ruined the whole thing for everybody else. I blew it, and I am disgusted with myself.
And so, coming off the field, on the verge of being violently sick, I was pushed around by bandmates in their elated rush back to the buses, putting my trumpet up I was hit in the head with a flag, and I kept getting random hugs when I did not want to be touched at all. But thats okay. In a strange sort of way, it was my punishment for making that mistake. I could feel the disappointment wash over me from my bandmates when we massed on the field and heard our placement and scores, and I knew I deserved to feel horrible. My parents came to watch my terrible performance and my brother's and then left for home again without saying goodbye. So I curled up as tightly as I could and endured the bus ride home tired, sore, lonely, and wanting my Kami more than anything.
I know that band is not the most important thing in the world, but it means a lot to me, and disappointing so many people at such a crucial moment really does tear something inside. It throws me back into cycles of self-blame that I haven't had since this summer.
~Eldalinde