Crisis Of Confidence
This weekend has given me some time to think about who I am and how I compare the the world around me. Talking to various people at the party this weekend (Zuki and Reddy's IT Maltese friend who's name escapes me right now ...), overhearing conversations and analysing my own behaviour in these situations.
I think that there are some important conclusions swilling in my own mind. In no particular order then:
My inertia to change: I don't particularly think of myself as an adventurous type of person, and I know I'm not an "early adopter". I think a few factors are involved in this (a) I prefer others to cut a path through which I can follow in (b) I like to observe my surroundings, and by necessity that requires me to pay attention to what is around me now rather than what the final destination is (and this can be seen again in my attitude to make the best of what is available, rather than chase something new and unproven). On the other hand, in more familiar situations I'm a lot more happy to take the lead and direct groups (witness birthday party). Ultimately, I like to be in situations I feel comfortable and familiar in (maybe with small twists to keep things interesting). Saying all of that, my current social situation seems to be forcing me to find new social groups, and while I think I'm doing it as best I can, it is responsible for a lot of the unease of this LJ entry.
Lack of a "project": I think I can be a creative person, but that my training and my work (and my love of board gaming) have now made me a hugely analytical mind at the expense of my creativity. This is something that should be fixed in one way or another. Now this may mean writing more, taking dance again (restarts 14 Sept!) but one thing I notice is that it really helps to have a "project" that really fires you up and enthuses you. Ideally something stretching that will force you to seek help from similarly enthused people and therefore act as a social impetus as well. It is time to stop watching what other people are doing (passively consuming content via RSS, DVDs, LJ, twitter) and start doing something of my own.
Lack of confidence: From what I can tell, people seem to believe I am a competent person. This pleases me. And yet internally, I'm quite self critical. Now while that can lead to an attitude of continual self improvement, it also makes me quite hesitant and lacking in confidence. I've seen myself do the same thing at work. Ultimately there is no easy answer to this; I don't think I'll ever be able to completely shake doubt from my mind, but at least in some things, I can practise until I feel comfortable doing it.
I think that there are some important conclusions swilling in my own mind. In no particular order then:
My inertia to change: I don't particularly think of myself as an adventurous type of person, and I know I'm not an "early adopter". I think a few factors are involved in this (a) I prefer others to cut a path through which I can follow in (b) I like to observe my surroundings, and by necessity that requires me to pay attention to what is around me now rather than what the final destination is (and this can be seen again in my attitude to make the best of what is available, rather than chase something new and unproven). On the other hand, in more familiar situations I'm a lot more happy to take the lead and direct groups (witness birthday party). Ultimately, I like to be in situations I feel comfortable and familiar in (maybe with small twists to keep things interesting). Saying all of that, my current social situation seems to be forcing me to find new social groups, and while I think I'm doing it as best I can, it is responsible for a lot of the unease of this LJ entry.
Lack of a "project": I think I can be a creative person, but that my training and my work (and my love of board gaming) have now made me a hugely analytical mind at the expense of my creativity. This is something that should be fixed in one way or another. Now this may mean writing more, taking dance again (restarts 14 Sept!) but one thing I notice is that it really helps to have a "project" that really fires you up and enthuses you. Ideally something stretching that will force you to seek help from similarly enthused people and therefore act as a social impetus as well. It is time to stop watching what other people are doing (passively consuming content via RSS, DVDs, LJ, twitter) and start doing something of my own.
Lack of confidence: From what I can tell, people seem to believe I am a competent person. This pleases me. And yet internally, I'm quite self critical. Now while that can lead to an attitude of continual self improvement, it also makes me quite hesitant and lacking in confidence. I've seen myself do the same thing at work. Ultimately there is no easy answer to this; I don't think I'll ever be able to completely shake doubt from my mind, but at least in some things, I can practise until I feel comfortable doing it.