I'm so happy for you, I could cry
Random topic #1: So I'm happy. Like really content. And I'd say that this is the happiest I've been and that life cannot get any better than this but I had this summer....and nothing can top that. So it's a bittersweet feeling that I have now I think. I've been trying to put my finger on it, trying to pin it down, trying to make sense of my feelings and my thoughts and what I really want. It's too hard. I feel like once I got back here into the swing of classes and homework and practicing (oh the practicing!) it's just a temporary cover and distraction for me...it's not allowing me to come to any sort of conclusion or ending or summary of what's happened, of what I've felt, and of what I want. It's frustrating in that sense because of course I don't expect anything to ever be the way it was but that's what I remember and that's what I miss and that's what I was convinced I wanted. Now I just don't know. Being removed from the situation and isolated from the people that were my whole life the past few months is just weird. It sort of parallels having an awesome dream and then waking up and always remembering that dream but never being able to achieve it or relive it in its exact entirety. I'll be back in Flushing in about a week....and it's their homecoming...which means it's inevitable to see people....lots of people....to be perfectly honest I don't know if I can do that or if I'm ready.
Another random topic: There are some days when I just sit and think about how much I miss Buddy Camp...not because of any of the superficial reasons which you might think, but because it was the one place where life is GOOD all the time and God is there and you have no pressure, no expectations, no stress, no hate, no heartbreak...it's just love...and I think that's where it gets me into trouble...but I miss it. I miss the atmosphere, the wholeness, the peace, and that sense of knowing you are there for a real purpose and that you are doing something good. It really hit me the other night in chapel when he was talking about where are you gonna go with your life and not choosing the right path, but rather finding the right path that God's made for you, even if you don't understand where you're going at that moment...and I don't know. It just really made sense to me that everything that has happened will make sense to me eventually. And it's like Kristen and Meghan told me, that they think what happened was really good for me. I don't understand why it happened but someday maybe I will.
And another random topic: I'd be lying if I said that I don't think about things and they way they were and what they could have been but I'd also be lying if I said that I want it all back. Knowing the things I know now and seeing the things that have happened, I couldn't fully bring myself to wanting something to come of it. I just don't know what my reaction is going to be at first though...when there's that crazy time when I have to face it and have that first conversation, that first hello, that first running into each other randomly...what am I going to think? I've also realized that even when people are out of your life for quite a while, they're never really gone. When you think you've completely blocked them from your mind and your heart and your thoughts, it's not true.....there's always going to be that slight flicker of a feeling or random memory that will come flooding back into your head. It's strange. But it's real.
Final thoughts: Basically I don't know how to say what I want to....it's so late, I'm so tired, and I shouldn't be writing in this....but I did....and oh well....PS- It's almost the weekend which makes me absolutely ecstatic! :)
Ooooh new awesome song:
Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?
Lying in the grass alone and wasted
Nothing's how it used to be
I wanna be the first to call and tell you
Yesterday I heard the news
I hear you oughtta be congratulated
So I guess that's what I'll do
I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.
Listen to the sound of my head pounding
Wish that it was make-believe
Praying for the skies to open up and
Wash away your memory
I can walk around with a pretty face on
Even when I'm black and blue
What's the point in telling everybody
I'm not over you.
I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.
Cry about the love we used to have
Cry that I won't ever get you back
Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?
I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I'm so happy for you
So, so happy for you
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.
Another random topic: There are some days when I just sit and think about how much I miss Buddy Camp...not because of any of the superficial reasons which you might think, but because it was the one place where life is GOOD all the time and God is there and you have no pressure, no expectations, no stress, no hate, no heartbreak...it's just love...and I think that's where it gets me into trouble...but I miss it. I miss the atmosphere, the wholeness, the peace, and that sense of knowing you are there for a real purpose and that you are doing something good. It really hit me the other night in chapel when he was talking about where are you gonna go with your life and not choosing the right path, but rather finding the right path that God's made for you, even if you don't understand where you're going at that moment...and I don't know. It just really made sense to me that everything that has happened will make sense to me eventually. And it's like Kristen and Meghan told me, that they think what happened was really good for me. I don't understand why it happened but someday maybe I will.
And another random topic: I'd be lying if I said that I don't think about things and they way they were and what they could have been but I'd also be lying if I said that I want it all back. Knowing the things I know now and seeing the things that have happened, I couldn't fully bring myself to wanting something to come of it. I just don't know what my reaction is going to be at first though...when there's that crazy time when I have to face it and have that first conversation, that first hello, that first running into each other randomly...what am I going to think? I've also realized that even when people are out of your life for quite a while, they're never really gone. When you think you've completely blocked them from your mind and your heart and your thoughts, it's not true.....there's always going to be that slight flicker of a feeling or random memory that will come flooding back into your head. It's strange. But it's real.
Final thoughts: Basically I don't know how to say what I want to....it's so late, I'm so tired, and I shouldn't be writing in this....but I did....and oh well....PS- It's almost the weekend which makes me absolutely ecstatic! :)
Ooooh new awesome song:
Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?
Lying in the grass alone and wasted
Nothing's how it used to be
I wanna be the first to call and tell you
Yesterday I heard the news
I hear you oughtta be congratulated
So I guess that's what I'll do
I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.
Listen to the sound of my head pounding
Wish that it was make-believe
Praying for the skies to open up and
Wash away your memory
I can walk around with a pretty face on
Even when I'm black and blue
What's the point in telling everybody
I'm not over you.
I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.
Cry about the love we used to have
Cry that I won't ever get you back
Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?
I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I'm so happy for you
So, so happy for you
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.