(no subject)
one of my biggest gripes about the computer is that i always feel as though i find things certain people have said that i shouldn't. things like 'you're hot,' or 'let's meet up' or 'i like you.' 'let's dance.' i mean, when it comes down to it, they're just words & fun & nothing solid to serve as a catalyst to a complete breakdown.
but then, at the same time. they're not just words. they're not just fun. &they do influence times like right now where i'm wondering how many secrets have been kept from me. how many secrets are still forming. where i'm wondering if everything is said to boost self-confidence or physical action. and, if it is just for the boost, how long until the action. because i've been through this before. the 'this' being her telling me that she just liked the other girl because she was nice & funny. she made her feel good. but then kissing & lying about it, leaving me, and then coming back to say over and over "i'm sorry, this was not supposed to happen. you mean the world to me, not her." you. you. not her. you. not her. you.
and so when i find these things, it's not a joke to me. i can't even laugh. i can't even pretend. it's just not funny & it doesn't remind me that i'm in a healthy relationship.
instead, it sort of breaks me down & leaves me questioning whether i should scream or just shut up. cancel everything or just cry.
.
(what would you do?)
but then, at the same time. they're not just words. they're not just fun. &they do influence times like right now where i'm wondering how many secrets have been kept from me. how many secrets are still forming. where i'm wondering if everything is said to boost self-confidence or physical action. and, if it is just for the boost, how long until the action. because i've been through this before. the 'this' being her telling me that she just liked the other girl because she was nice & funny. she made her feel good. but then kissing & lying about it, leaving me, and then coming back to say over and over "i'm sorry, this was not supposed to happen. you mean the world to me, not her." you. you. not her. you. not her. you.
and so when i find these things, it's not a joke to me. i can't even laugh. i can't even pretend. it's just not funny & it doesn't remind me that i'm in a healthy relationship.
instead, it sort of breaks me down & leaves me questioning whether i should scream or just shut up. cancel everything or just cry.
.
(what would you do?)