(no subject)

[elbow]

I tell myself the reason she can't bring herself to answer my letter or any of my letters in the past few years is because she is at a loss for words she can't write the things that she has said or would say if we were speaking when she puts that on paper it's too hurtful, too ridiculous, not the kind of things a mom would say yet it is all she can come up with it is the record that plays on repeat in her head she can't change the track she can't turn the page she can't move forward she is frozen in her fears stuck in her hopes of who I would be paralyzed with disappointment blinded by her pain her eyes are closed she cannot see who i am she does not know me there is no understanding there will never be and i think about kato in uganda and i try and comprehend that level of hating another human being that people would continue to hate him even at his own funeral as if being murdered wasn't a high enough price to pay and i remind myself that is the depth of the hate that is how great the distance between myself and her that is the river we would have to cross the mountain we would have to climb and it's just too far it's just too far to meet each other half way half way is some place that neither of us could live comfortably in so we stand on far ends of the canyon as we grow farther apart

there is nothing i can do to fix this