To be or not to be a bridesmaid
Jodi is asking me to stand up in her wedding. I'm honored that she considers me someone close to her and trusts that I will make her special day that much more special just by being present.
That said, I've been very frustrated with her for several months now because she seems to keep ditching me, avoiding my attempts at contact and not cluing me in when pivotal things happen in her life. Like her getting engaged for example... I over heard the news at a party I threw, which she did not attend...
I mentioned my dilemma to a friend and he said there's a difference between being upset with someone and saying "what you did hurt me" and being upset with someone and saying "I don't want to be a part of your life anymore."
The other day, I called my mom to talk about what would be happening the week of my surgery (at Dad's request, because I really didn't want to talk to her at all after she basically said she wouldn't be able to be here for me!) And she casually said "well, I don't know how you got that impression." So now she wants to come. In fact, she's kind of insisting on it. I wasn't prepared for this. I was so mad at her and so hurt and feeling betrayed, that I didn't even know what to say or do when she had this change of heart.
I was so mad at her, in fact, that I was thinking of skipping Thanksgiving at her house in favor or people who actually love me and want to be around me.
All I want is to be loved. I want to feel important to the people in my life. I wanted her to say "oh, my sweet darling Linda, you tell me that day and I will be by your side. I will make you jello and pudding until you feel well."
I guess that only happens in movies and in my roommates' lives.
I feel like a huge inconvenience to my mom right now and I have a feeling that Laura's harsh words to her made her feel guilty about all that has transpired this last week or two. I don't know. Laura told me about her conversations with Mom and blind copied emails between them, but I've chosen to ignore it all. I don't want to create drama, I just want to be loved. I want to know that I can be more important than everything else once in a while. And right now, I'm not sure my mom ever feels that way about me.
When I told Kasey that now my mom was changing her mind, but I was still thinking about staying in Chicago for Thanksgiving, she said "I don't know, if she's coming here for you, you probably have to go to her house for Thanksgiving." Kasey is not the most well-informed person on the details of my life and she usually doesn't offer practical advice for me because she is far more "traditional know-your-role-female" than I am. Also, her relationship with her mother is very very strong and they share sentiments. My mom and I are much different.
But in one way she makes a point: Holding a grudge is not the best way to resolve this conflict.
As much as I just want people around me to tell me I"m right and FUCK ALL!, they don't. I keep being brought back to the light, knowing that though I am in time of darkness, a winter in my soul, I can't shake off the responsibility, pain, and joy of being a part of friendships and my family.
That said, I've been very frustrated with her for several months now because she seems to keep ditching me, avoiding my attempts at contact and not cluing me in when pivotal things happen in her life. Like her getting engaged for example... I over heard the news at a party I threw, which she did not attend...
I mentioned my dilemma to a friend and he said there's a difference between being upset with someone and saying "what you did hurt me" and being upset with someone and saying "I don't want to be a part of your life anymore."
The other day, I called my mom to talk about what would be happening the week of my surgery (at Dad's request, because I really didn't want to talk to her at all after she basically said she wouldn't be able to be here for me!) And she casually said "well, I don't know how you got that impression." So now she wants to come. In fact, she's kind of insisting on it. I wasn't prepared for this. I was so mad at her and so hurt and feeling betrayed, that I didn't even know what to say or do when she had this change of heart.
I was so mad at her, in fact, that I was thinking of skipping Thanksgiving at her house in favor or people who actually love me and want to be around me.
All I want is to be loved. I want to feel important to the people in my life. I wanted her to say "oh, my sweet darling Linda, you tell me that day and I will be by your side. I will make you jello and pudding until you feel well."
I guess that only happens in movies and in my roommates' lives.
I feel like a huge inconvenience to my mom right now and I have a feeling that Laura's harsh words to her made her feel guilty about all that has transpired this last week or two. I don't know. Laura told me about her conversations with Mom and blind copied emails between them, but I've chosen to ignore it all. I don't want to create drama, I just want to be loved. I want to know that I can be more important than everything else once in a while. And right now, I'm not sure my mom ever feels that way about me.
When I told Kasey that now my mom was changing her mind, but I was still thinking about staying in Chicago for Thanksgiving, she said "I don't know, if she's coming here for you, you probably have to go to her house for Thanksgiving." Kasey is not the most well-informed person on the details of my life and she usually doesn't offer practical advice for me because she is far more "traditional know-your-role-female" than I am. Also, her relationship with her mother is very very strong and they share sentiments. My mom and I are much different.
But in one way she makes a point: Holding a grudge is not the best way to resolve this conflict.
As much as I just want people around me to tell me I"m right and FUCK ALL!, they don't. I keep being brought back to the light, knowing that though I am in time of darkness, a winter in my soul, I can't shake off the responsibility, pain, and joy of being a part of friendships and my family.