Don't preach to me about right and wrong
This has been quite the week of self discovery. Starting last Thursday, as in a week and a half ago now, something in just about every aspect of my life screwed me over.
I talked to my mother last Thursday about living off campus next year. She hasn't met Steph, who I'm planning on living with, so she asked me "Is her family, you know, normal. Like does she have a mom and a dad?" However, I should really write those questions as "Is her family.... you know.... .... normalLIKEdoesshehaveamomandadad?" so that you can fully understand the way this question was asked. Clearly, she realized how offensive that question is on so many levels. Not only does she insult anyone who doesn't have a "traditional" family but she also found a great way to throw in a reference to the current same-sex marriage debate and voice her opinion on it. Since few of you know my mother, this may seem like a big jump to make; however, this is how things are discussed in my family. Nothing is straight forward, especially my mother and this is a perfect example of how she slips in a comment on how she accepts 'homosexuals', sorry, 'those people', as she 'has friend like that' but not as equal citizens or just people in general. This is nothing new, but every time something like this is said it twists the knife a little deeper into my heart. What was worse was her decision that because I was thinking about living off campus next year I am clearly staying and therefore she can say that she never thought it was a good idea for me to transfer and that she and my dad weren't planning on letting me anyway. How sweet. Nice to know that I get to make decisions about my own happiness.
Then, following in this vein of family stupidity I talked to my Dad on Saturday. He agreed to let me live off campus and pay the rent (just the rent but I can't complain). But when I brought up staying for the summer he was not happy. Clearly the logic of this whole situation escapes him. I need to make money to live off campus. Going home mid-June will screw me over for finding a job there and the nursing home can't really afford to hire me back and I refuse to let nepotism force them to hire me back despite financial problems. But I told him I wanted to find an internship, maybe with a political org/non-profit/interest group. And of course he quickly cuts me off with a frantic "What kind of interest group??" A crazy liberal gay group dad!! Ok, so I wanted to yell that, but I didn't. Instead I tried "Maybe someplace like Planned Parenthood, political but also a national organization." Apparently this wasn't acceptable, so we'll be talking about it when I get home. Ha, we don't talk about anything. So he made me a bit angry, once again no decision making for Ellen.
Then I spent all weekend trying to coordinate this volunteering opportunity that everyone had been so excited about. I should have realized I shouldn't be so naive to think that because NU students are excited about something they'll actually follow through. I had about 7 people saying they wanted to go Monday. How many went? Why 2. That's right, 2. And no one went Wednesday. Monday morning I got 3 e-mail cancellations and everyone else just didn't show up. How expected. Used by Rainbow, shocking.
Then I spent all of Friday afternoon going downtown with Adam to get Steph's American Girl Doll for her B-day. Then I spent all of Sunday planning her B-day scavenger hunt and I finally had to ask Vanessa to get the cake and Suz to help me because no one else seemed to want to volunteer to help. But Suz and Ness ended up being quite helpful and in fact saviors because the whole thing was a bit hectic. All of Monday was hectic. First no one showed up for volunteering, then Safe Space which I wasn't feeling because of the volunteering thing. Then Steph's b-day thing. Then I had to skip Rainbow exec because I had to do munchies. So I was feeling quite used Monday night.
Then on Tuesday there was a meeting about the LGBT Resource Center, once again I was the only student present. I got there at 6 apparently late (excuse the student for having class and then wanting food, nevermind that I was told that the meeting as at 6). But Leslie DeMonte, Biz and Kiersten were already there and had come up with some words for the center. But they clearly did not want to be there and it became a bitching fest about how much work they put into the Support Network and how much danger it is in because the school doesn't understand what it does, but they don't either and there's so much to do and they already do so much , etc etc. It was actually quite scary. I was afraid to say anything, I felt like I was intruding, like I was this measly student who couldn't possibly understand what they were talking about. I have had my opinion belittled at Support Network meetings before and I am very tired of it. They claim to do things for students and they don't want to hear what we need. Fuck you then. Continue to run around like chickens with your heads cut off and bitch about how much work you do, I'm tired of being the token student at every Support Network event/meeting. Once again, feeling quite used. This might have hurt the most because the Support Network people are people I really look up to and they treated my like dirt. And I know they are frustrated, I figured that out at the last meeting, but the resource center meeting was not the right time or place to let it out. The hurt look on Jon's face alone was enough to make me angry. But once they left, with comments about how I was late and needed to stay and contribute (cough cough fuck you cough cough) it was just Jon, Jen and me and that was nice because we were actually constructive and we came up with some cool ideas. Cause guess what, I've been thinking about this and when you let me speak I might actually have something worth hearing.
I was fairly down Tuesday and Tuesday night found me quite angry and I bitched to Suz, Nessa and Steph and Steph even commented the next day how angry I was. I ended up having a complete breakdown Wednesday night like I havn't had in a very long time. I felt like I was back at Westover. I had no idea what was going on and what I am doing here.
Wednesday I felt a bit better. Steph and I called some apartment places and made appointments to tour some. I even went to Ash Wednesday mass. I don't really know why. I think I went because I felt like I was lost on this campus and I wanted to go back to something familiar and to see if I felt like I was suppose to be there. It was an interesting feeling and not really in a good way. I'm still not quite feeling the whole religion thing yet. Maybe it will come back, I don't know. So I went to CORE after mass and dinner to try to feel more attached by doing my homework. It didn't work and I just started to fall asleep, so I went to Norris to chill in the Rainbow Office cause I didn't feel like going home. I ran into Leslie D who was coming from mass and I talked to her about how overwhelmed I felt and she gave me a hug, which was sweet and I cheered up a bit.
Thursday night however I was back in Norris and I said hi to Leslie again and she told me that she's leaving NU at the end of the term. She's taking a job downtown at the law school campus. It's an awesome job for her. I'm actually really happy for her, but I'm going to miss her a lot. She's one of the few NU people who I respect for their dedication and their involvement. We were just starting to become friends and we had actually had these great discussions about the ways we could connect Rainbow and the Support Network. I felt like my last tie to the NU queer community had broken. I felt even more lost and crushed Thursday night then I have ever felt.
This whole weekend I've been trying to figure out where I stand on this campus. I'm here for the long haul now so I need to figure this out. I feel like my entire identity has collapsed. Friday Steph and I went to look at an appartment, which was quite cute, and I really began to think about next year. I'm pretty excited to live off campus and I started really thinking about what it will be like. I started looking for internships and jobs. I like working a lot. Working gives me a concrete identity and a schedule that helps keep my life balanced. As much as I don't really like my job at home, I love working. So I hope to find a job when I get back from Spring break. I'm going to the Career Development office tomorrow I think. I found come cool summer internships that I need to get my resume together for. Also, last night I volunteered at HRC's Laugh out loud comedy show. It was so awesome! Finding the place and getting there and back alone made me feel like I was really becoming part of the city. The event was awesome. Kate Clinton was the headliner and she was so freaking funny. She was very political and it was nice to go to an intelligent comedy show. When I got home I had a horrible headache because I needed food, so I IMed Adam and he, Jonny and I went to BK and then JK Sweets at like midnight. Then we went back to their room and Jonny amused us with his Margaret Cho impressions. I talked to Suz and Ness and then went to bed. All in all a fantastic night. I felt like the whole night was mine and everything I did I did because I wanted to. I didn't do it because someone else would think it was good or impressive or such. It was all these things I care about (LGBT activism, comedy, independence and friends) all rolled into one great night. I even got to talk to two of my favorite people on the phone during my long ass walk to the el.
So I'm feeling quite a bit better. I need to decided what I want to do about Rainbow. I'm getting a lot of pressure to run for president. I know I can do it, but I don't know if I want to. I'm not going to do it unless I want to because then I only have myself to blame if it ends up sucking. If it's my decision then I'll be able to examine the situation and look at the best side and work with what I have. I have until March 8th to decide. Exec is tomorrow, Support Network is Wednesday. I'm hoping that after those meetings I'll have a better idea of where I stand on everything. Any ideas people?? Did you actually make it this far?? I'm impressed if you did.
I talked to my mother last Thursday about living off campus next year. She hasn't met Steph, who I'm planning on living with, so she asked me "Is her family, you know, normal. Like does she have a mom and a dad?" However, I should really write those questions as "Is her family.... you know.... .... normalLIKEdoesshehaveamomandadad?" so that you can fully understand the way this question was asked. Clearly, she realized how offensive that question is on so many levels. Not only does she insult anyone who doesn't have a "traditional" family but she also found a great way to throw in a reference to the current same-sex marriage debate and voice her opinion on it. Since few of you know my mother, this may seem like a big jump to make; however, this is how things are discussed in my family. Nothing is straight forward, especially my mother and this is a perfect example of how she slips in a comment on how she accepts 'homosexuals', sorry, 'those people', as she 'has friend like that' but not as equal citizens or just people in general. This is nothing new, but every time something like this is said it twists the knife a little deeper into my heart. What was worse was her decision that because I was thinking about living off campus next year I am clearly staying and therefore she can say that she never thought it was a good idea for me to transfer and that she and my dad weren't planning on letting me anyway. How sweet. Nice to know that I get to make decisions about my own happiness.
Then, following in this vein of family stupidity I talked to my Dad on Saturday. He agreed to let me live off campus and pay the rent (just the rent but I can't complain). But when I brought up staying for the summer he was not happy. Clearly the logic of this whole situation escapes him. I need to make money to live off campus. Going home mid-June will screw me over for finding a job there and the nursing home can't really afford to hire me back and I refuse to let nepotism force them to hire me back despite financial problems. But I told him I wanted to find an internship, maybe with a political org/non-profit/interest group. And of course he quickly cuts me off with a frantic "What kind of interest group??" A crazy liberal gay group dad!! Ok, so I wanted to yell that, but I didn't. Instead I tried "Maybe someplace like Planned Parenthood, political but also a national organization." Apparently this wasn't acceptable, so we'll be talking about it when I get home. Ha, we don't talk about anything. So he made me a bit angry, once again no decision making for Ellen.
Then I spent all weekend trying to coordinate this volunteering opportunity that everyone had been so excited about. I should have realized I shouldn't be so naive to think that because NU students are excited about something they'll actually follow through. I had about 7 people saying they wanted to go Monday. How many went? Why 2. That's right, 2. And no one went Wednesday. Monday morning I got 3 e-mail cancellations and everyone else just didn't show up. How expected. Used by Rainbow, shocking.
Then I spent all of Friday afternoon going downtown with Adam to get Steph's American Girl Doll for her B-day. Then I spent all of Sunday planning her B-day scavenger hunt and I finally had to ask Vanessa to get the cake and Suz to help me because no one else seemed to want to volunteer to help. But Suz and Ness ended up being quite helpful and in fact saviors because the whole thing was a bit hectic. All of Monday was hectic. First no one showed up for volunteering, then Safe Space which I wasn't feeling because of the volunteering thing. Then Steph's b-day thing. Then I had to skip Rainbow exec because I had to do munchies. So I was feeling quite used Monday night.
Then on Tuesday there was a meeting about the LGBT Resource Center, once again I was the only student present. I got there at 6 apparently late (excuse the student for having class and then wanting food, nevermind that I was told that the meeting as at 6). But Leslie DeMonte, Biz and Kiersten were already there and had come up with some words for the center. But they clearly did not want to be there and it became a bitching fest about how much work they put into the Support Network and how much danger it is in because the school doesn't understand what it does, but they don't either and there's so much to do and they already do so much , etc etc. It was actually quite scary. I was afraid to say anything, I felt like I was intruding, like I was this measly student who couldn't possibly understand what they were talking about. I have had my opinion belittled at Support Network meetings before and I am very tired of it. They claim to do things for students and they don't want to hear what we need. Fuck you then. Continue to run around like chickens with your heads cut off and bitch about how much work you do, I'm tired of being the token student at every Support Network event/meeting. Once again, feeling quite used. This might have hurt the most because the Support Network people are people I really look up to and they treated my like dirt. And I know they are frustrated, I figured that out at the last meeting, but the resource center meeting was not the right time or place to let it out. The hurt look on Jon's face alone was enough to make me angry. But once they left, with comments about how I was late and needed to stay and contribute (cough cough fuck you cough cough) it was just Jon, Jen and me and that was nice because we were actually constructive and we came up with some cool ideas. Cause guess what, I've been thinking about this and when you let me speak I might actually have something worth hearing.
I was fairly down Tuesday and Tuesday night found me quite angry and I bitched to Suz, Nessa and Steph and Steph even commented the next day how angry I was. I ended up having a complete breakdown Wednesday night like I havn't had in a very long time. I felt like I was back at Westover. I had no idea what was going on and what I am doing here.
Wednesday I felt a bit better. Steph and I called some apartment places and made appointments to tour some. I even went to Ash Wednesday mass. I don't really know why. I think I went because I felt like I was lost on this campus and I wanted to go back to something familiar and to see if I felt like I was suppose to be there. It was an interesting feeling and not really in a good way. I'm still not quite feeling the whole religion thing yet. Maybe it will come back, I don't know. So I went to CORE after mass and dinner to try to feel more attached by doing my homework. It didn't work and I just started to fall asleep, so I went to Norris to chill in the Rainbow Office cause I didn't feel like going home. I ran into Leslie D who was coming from mass and I talked to her about how overwhelmed I felt and she gave me a hug, which was sweet and I cheered up a bit.
Thursday night however I was back in Norris and I said hi to Leslie again and she told me that she's leaving NU at the end of the term. She's taking a job downtown at the law school campus. It's an awesome job for her. I'm actually really happy for her, but I'm going to miss her a lot. She's one of the few NU people who I respect for their dedication and their involvement. We were just starting to become friends and we had actually had these great discussions about the ways we could connect Rainbow and the Support Network. I felt like my last tie to the NU queer community had broken. I felt even more lost and crushed Thursday night then I have ever felt.
This whole weekend I've been trying to figure out where I stand on this campus. I'm here for the long haul now so I need to figure this out. I feel like my entire identity has collapsed. Friday Steph and I went to look at an appartment, which was quite cute, and I really began to think about next year. I'm pretty excited to live off campus and I started really thinking about what it will be like. I started looking for internships and jobs. I like working a lot. Working gives me a concrete identity and a schedule that helps keep my life balanced. As much as I don't really like my job at home, I love working. So I hope to find a job when I get back from Spring break. I'm going to the Career Development office tomorrow I think. I found come cool summer internships that I need to get my resume together for. Also, last night I volunteered at HRC's Laugh out loud comedy show. It was so awesome! Finding the place and getting there and back alone made me feel like I was really becoming part of the city. The event was awesome. Kate Clinton was the headliner and she was so freaking funny. She was very political and it was nice to go to an intelligent comedy show. When I got home I had a horrible headache because I needed food, so I IMed Adam and he, Jonny and I went to BK and then JK Sweets at like midnight. Then we went back to their room and Jonny amused us with his Margaret Cho impressions. I talked to Suz and Ness and then went to bed. All in all a fantastic night. I felt like the whole night was mine and everything I did I did because I wanted to. I didn't do it because someone else would think it was good or impressive or such. It was all these things I care about (LGBT activism, comedy, independence and friends) all rolled into one great night. I even got to talk to two of my favorite people on the phone during my long ass walk to the el.
So I'm feeling quite a bit better. I need to decided what I want to do about Rainbow. I'm getting a lot of pressure to run for president. I know I can do it, but I don't know if I want to. I'm not going to do it unless I want to because then I only have myself to blame if it ends up sucking. If it's my decision then I'll be able to examine the situation and look at the best side and work with what I have. I have until March 8th to decide. Exec is tomorrow, Support Network is Wednesday. I'm hoping that after those meetings I'll have a better idea of where I stand on everything. Any ideas people?? Did you actually make it this far?? I'm impressed if you did.