Further adventures in chronic depression
My friend Bekka died last Friday. Strep throat, apparently.
It's really weird. There are friends whose deaths would cause me greater distress, in that I was closer to them (I didn't really see Bekka outside of school). But... as I said, it's weird. Bekka wasn't the sort of person whom you'd expect to die. The word that comes to mind is "vibrant." I can't really explain it, but some people seem likely to die some day, and some people I can't imagine ever passing away.
If my grandmother died tomorrow, I'd be sad. I'd be surprised. She seems healthy, but I know that she's nearly 95 years old. She's lived a long time, and now she rarely leaves the house.
Bekka was... what? Seventeen? Eighteen? Not the sort of age that people are supposed to die at, these days. When an old person died, it "was their time," and at least they've had time to see the world. When a kid dies, it's tragic, but they are sooner forgotten; they lived for such a short time that what people mostly remember is their potential. People wish that they'd made it to their prom, to their wedding, to some big corporate job promotion. There's nothing that can really be said, when a teenager dies.
I feel sort of guilty, too, because it's not like I was Bekka's best friend, or anything. What her family is going through, or her exes, is nothing to my feeling numb.
I had to take a mental health day, today. I appologize to my teachers, but I just couldn't make it in.
I'm about to turn seventeen, and I'm depressed about that, too. I should be greatful to be alive (though there is no assurance that I'll live till next week; I expect to, but, then, Bekka probably expected to be alive next week, too). But instead I just feel that I haven't accomplished anything with my life, and I worry that I never will.
Being alive is scary. It sounds prefferable to the inevitable other option, but there's still a lot of pressure not to fuck-up too badly, before you die.
Maybe I really am having intimations of mortality. At the very least, my attempts to comprehend complete perminence are creeping me out.
It's really weird. There are friends whose deaths would cause me greater distress, in that I was closer to them (I didn't really see Bekka outside of school). But... as I said, it's weird. Bekka wasn't the sort of person whom you'd expect to die. The word that comes to mind is "vibrant." I can't really explain it, but some people seem likely to die some day, and some people I can't imagine ever passing away.
If my grandmother died tomorrow, I'd be sad. I'd be surprised. She seems healthy, but I know that she's nearly 95 years old. She's lived a long time, and now she rarely leaves the house.
Bekka was... what? Seventeen? Eighteen? Not the sort of age that people are supposed to die at, these days. When an old person died, it "was their time," and at least they've had time to see the world. When a kid dies, it's tragic, but they are sooner forgotten; they lived for such a short time that what people mostly remember is their potential. People wish that they'd made it to their prom, to their wedding, to some big corporate job promotion. There's nothing that can really be said, when a teenager dies.
I feel sort of guilty, too, because it's not like I was Bekka's best friend, or anything. What her family is going through, or her exes, is nothing to my feeling numb.
I had to take a mental health day, today. I appologize to my teachers, but I just couldn't make it in.
I'm about to turn seventeen, and I'm depressed about that, too. I should be greatful to be alive (though there is no assurance that I'll live till next week; I expect to, but, then, Bekka probably expected to be alive next week, too). But instead I just feel that I haven't accomplished anything with my life, and I worry that I never will.
Being alive is scary. It sounds prefferable to the inevitable other option, but there's still a lot of pressure not to fuck-up too badly, before you die.
Maybe I really am having intimations of mortality. At the very least, my attempts to comprehend complete perminence are creeping me out.