(HunHan) Only Tears
Title: Only Tears
Rating: pg-13
Word count: 2378
Summary: Luhan doesn't think he's good enough.
(writer's note: this was inspired by infinite's only tears. i actually came up with the idea while listening to the song and didn't look up the lyrics until afterward, so i was pleasantly surprised and relieved to find out they match up very well.)
I can't hold your hand
But I’m missing you
I’m worried I might just have my tears to hold
So I’m missing you
I can’t tell you to stay with me
But I’m missing you
So it’s too much, but in the end
It’s because I’m a man who has nothing but his own heart
Luhan wasn't sure why he decided studying abroad in Korea was a good idea. He had a hard enough time in China with the few people he'd managed to befriend, and the idea of being in a new place with an entire country of people who neither knew you nor spoke your language was actually quite perturbing. Luhan wished he'd thought of that ahead of time, before he was faced with a tall, lanky boy with sleepy eyes; his new roommate.
"My name is Oh Sehun," said the boy.
"Luhan." You're a nuisance.
"You don't talk much?"
"My Korean isn't that good." Don't talk to me.
"It sounds fine to me."
"Thanks." You're a pretty good liar for a kid.
Luhan looks out the window of the plane. It's night, and the clouds are pale and soft against the dark sky. He likes the night, always has. It calms him. But right now, it makes him anxious. Reminds him of the amount of hours, minutes, and seconds since he departed from South Korea. From a certain lanky boy with sleepy eyes. His stomach churns and he has to close his eyes when his vision blurs. He's never felt this nervous before.
He knows Sehun won't call him; he'd left no way for the younger boy to reach him. He'd disposed of his cellular phone before he'd left for the airport, and he'd never told Sehun anything about where he lived in China. It's better this way, he tells himself.
The butterflies in his stomach say otherwise.
"You look scared," said Oh Sehun.
"I'm not." How would you know how I feel.
"Don't worry."
"I won't." Stop pretending to care.
Long fingers laced between his own and gave his hand a tight squeeze.
"The first day is always hard. Finding all your classes, being on time, it's stressful. But if you need any help, let me know."
"Ok." Why are you being so kind when you only just met me?
"I'll come running if you call my name," said a warm smile and tenderly crinkled, sleepy eyes.
"Ok."
Luhan squeezed Sehun's hand in return.
Luhan has never liked being on a plane. He can remember taking trips with his parents as a kid, and crying like a baby during ascension and descension, only stopping when they promised him a sugary ice cream cone reward if he sucked up his tears and acted like a big kid.
That was before they put him up for adoption.
He has to keep his eyes tightly shut as the plane dives slowly downward, readying to land. His stomach is in his throat, and he can't help reaching out in the hopes that a familiar, slender hand will be close by, words of comfort prepared to be whispered softly in his ear.
He only grasps at thin air.
"How was your first week?" asked Oh Sehun. Luhan still couldn't work up the nerve to call him by his first name alone.
"Fine." How long will you keep up this facade?
"I'm glad," said that warm smile. "Your classes weren't hard?"
"No." Even if they were, it's none of your business.
"Let's celebrate, huh? I'll buy you a pizza."
"Why should we celebrate? It was just one week."
"It's fun to reward ourselves for accomplishing something that frightened us," Oh Sehun explained. "Let me treat you."
Luhan agreed after a little more pestering.
Yixing is there at the airport in China to greet Luhan. "Welcome home," he says with a smile, placing a soft kiss to Luhan's lips.
Home. That word sounds wrong, tainted. Here, he is with people who don't give him frequent weird looks for his nationality. Here, people speak a language he fully understands.
But Oh Sehun is not here. Therefore, how can this be his home?
"Thanks," he quietly tells Yixing.
Luhan didn't like parties. They were loud and crowded, and full of dishonest, disgusting people. But Sehun stood beside him, enjoying the music.
"You look uncomfortable," he said, leaning dangerously close to Luhan's ear to be heard.
"Yeah." I'm glad you noticed.
"I'll take you back to the dorm."
"It's ok." Please.
Luhan allowed himself to be lead out of the frat house, clinging to Sehun's warm hand.
"You're quiet," says Yixing from the driver's seat.
"Aren't I always," Luhan replies, gaze focused on the passing scenery. Everything is familiar, but not. He knows where he is, but he feels like he shouldn't be here.
"Yes," Yixing laughs, "But more so than I remember." When Luhan remains silent he adds, "I missed you," and removes one hand from the steering wheel to place it comfortingly on Luhan's thigh.
"Yeah."
"You have pretty eyes," said Sehun. They had gotten a little closer.
"Oh." You're not lying, are you.
"I mean, um, that is to say, you, in general are, um, really pretty, um," came a flustered response.
"Thanks." Have you always had a lisp? Or are you embarrassed?
"I think I like you."
"Me too."
Lips sloppily met lips and the world was forgotten.
"Why don't you get a job?" Yixing asks from his seat next to Luhan on the couch in their apartment. Luhan doesn't look at him.
"Sure."
"That's not a definitive answer," Yixing laughs, gently entwining their fingers. "You don't seem like yourself. I think it'd help if you tried to distract yourself."
If Luhan had a problem, Sehun would ask what was wrong. He wouldn't leave Luhan alone until he knew just what was bothering him.
Yixing just kisses Luhan senseless until the only thing he can do is repeat Sehun's name over and over in his head.
It's not the same.
Blankets loosely splayed over sprawled, tangled bodies. Breaths hitched, eyes glazed over with affection, thousands of kisses exchanged with a sense of urgency, like either boy would fade into nothing if they stopped. Moans of pleasure muffled against skin, more kisses, and a light, fluttering feeling in the pit of Luhan's stomach.
"I love you so much," whispered Sehun, face buried in the crook of Luhan's neck.
"I know." I love you too.
"Goddammit, ge," Yixing sighs, arms folded, "Stop being so goddamn despondent." Luhan gives him a blank look. "Either tell me what's wrong or I'm making you pay for the whole month's rent." Luhan really doesn't like that idea, no matter how miserable he is.
So he tells Yixing. Everything.
"Oh," says Yixing. Luhan wonders if he understands.
It had become habit for Sehun and Luhan to do everything together. They spent every hour outside of classes with each other, hands clasped, arms linked, anything just to be close to each other. Sehun's friends teased him and made Luhan feel self conscious, but the younger boy would always reassure him with a smile and one hundred sweet kisses.
"You are mine," Sehun murmured, his eyes crinkling as he looked at Luhan with an adoration that the elder boy didn't even know existed.
"Good." I wouldn't have it any other way.
"He was special to you?" Yixing asks, eyeing Luhan quizzically.
"Define special," Luhan replies.
Sehun was the world, Luhan's galaxy of incessant lip-licking, cute lisps, aegyo to give heart attacks, passionate kisses that made Luhan shudder, and a love so desperate it made Luhan feel sick just thinking about it.
A love he'd abandoned.
"Am I special to you at all?" Yixing asks. Is there hurt in his voice?
Luhan wonders if the only thing he's good at is hurting those around him.
Luhan had told Sehun about his childhood, even if he hadn't mentioned where he was from exactly. Sehun had cried, sniffling and apologizing and using up an entire tissue box before Luhan had forced him to stop by threatening not to cuddle for a week.
"You're so strong," Sehun said, arms wrapped around Luhan's waist.
No I'm not.
That was when the insecurities started.
"Luhan, get out of bed," Yixing commands. Luhan doesn't move. "If you don't get out of bed I'll-" He can't seem to come up with a good threat, so he simply storms out of the room.
Luhan lays there. It's late afternoon, and all he's done is stay in bed all day. He can't bring himself to do anything else. He remembers doing the same thing with Sehun, just laying around, doing nothing, holding each other without a care in the world. He trembles, fighting back tears.
There is no world without Sehun.
The last time they slept together was the night before Luhan left.
He kissed Sehun hungrily, sucking at the younger boy's lips, neck, chest, any exposed skin he could find, marking Sehun as his. He fucked Sehun hard, not stopping even when the younger boy whimpered and writhed and cringed with pleasure and begged him to stop between loud moans. He finally collapsed after both boys had came, panting and laying curled up against Sehun's side, face buried against Sehun's chest.
"You're something else," Sehun said with a weak laugh, arms draped around Luhan's figure.
I'm sorry.
"Get your ass up," Yixing says irritably. "I'm serious, I'm not letting you spend another day in bed."
You're not the boss of me, Luhan thinks. He doesn't have the energy to say it.
He's too busy remembering the feeling of Sehun's touch, of his perfect lips, the way his smile lit up his face and made his already small eyes even smaller. He recalls the gentle way the younger boy would absent-mindedly run a hand through his hair when they sat, doing their homework together, or the soft tone of his voice when he whispered sweet nothings into Luhan's ears when they tried to fall asleep.
He can almost hear Sehun's voice, can picture almost every one of his expressions. He most remembers the heart-wrenching way the younger boy said, "I love you," as if he would disappear if he did not say those words enough.
Luhan is undeserving. He was never good enough for Sehun, never truly did anything to be worthy of such adoration and love. He hates himself for getting caught up in it, for ruining the only good thing that ever happened to him.
Maybe if he stays in bed like this, he'll rot away.
Luhan is awakened by a pounding on the door of the apartment. He sleepily lifts his gaze to the bedside table to read the clock and find that it is early evening. He sits up, stretching, and sees a heavy rain pouring outside.
Had Yixing forgotten his keys and was stranded outside in the rain? Luhan doesn't want to get up, but he knows Yixing will kill him if he doesn't answer the door.
Slowly, he peels himself off of the bed and trails slowly out of the bedroom to the door. He opens it and thinks he's still dreaming.
"Jesus christ, you sleep like a fucking rock!" Sehun exclaims, pushing past Luhan into the apartment, shivering in his soaking clothes.
Luhan responds with a string of words in a mixture of incoherent Mandarin and Korean, but he's pretty sure he somehow asks how and what Sehun is doing there.
Sehun's answer is to scold Luhan. He angrily curses at the older man for abandoning him, for leaving without saying goodbye. He shouts at Luhan until his voice is hoarse and there are tears in his eyes, and Luhan can only listen, dumbfounded.
"Do you know how long it took to find you?" Sehun asks weakly, voice catching in his throat as he reaches out and grasps onto the front of Luhan's shirt. "I searched for God knows how long. I thought I'd dreamt your existence up." Luhan feels himself beginning to cry as well, tears dripping shamelessly from his eyes to wet his cheeks.
"I'm sorry," he murmurs, arms instinctively wrapping around Sehun's drenched body and pulling him as close as possible. "I didn't know how to be with you."
Sehun's lips collide against his, and their tongues feverishly tangle in a ritual dance.
"How did you find me here?" he asks almost silently. He's leading Sehun to the bathroom, stripping the boy of his wet attire and starting a warm shower.
"Someone named Yixing came to visit me," Sehun says, helping Luhan out of his own clothes. "His Korean was horrible, but I somehow managed to figure out that he was telling me he knew you, and that you were in China, and that you needed me." Luhan feels a sudden strong appreciation for Yixing. Perhaps the boy's irritation had been to conceal his desire to help Luhan.
"I do need you," Luhan murmurs, kissing Sehun again. He doesn't think he will ever be able to kiss Sehun enough times to express the magnitude of his need.
They shower together, lips never parting, hands roaming the bodies they so dearly missed. When the water runs cold, the get out, and Luhan dries Sehun's body and vice versa before they move to the bedroom, curling up under the blankets of Luhan's bed.
"I love you." Luhan repeats it over and over, each time becoming more desperate as he kisses the younger boy with swollen lips.
"I know," Sehun whispers, smiling softly.
"I'll never, ever leave you again."
"I know."
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
Luhan wakes up the next morning and is exceedingly relieved to find that Sehun is, indeed, laying next to him.
So it wasn’t a dream.
His fingers trace the younger boy's bare skin, and he smiles softly as Sehun stirs, eyes opening slowly to look at him.
"I love you," Luhan says.
Sehun just smiles and kisses him all over again.
Rating: pg-13
Word count: 2378
Summary: Luhan doesn't think he's good enough.
(writer's note: this was inspired by infinite's only tears. i actually came up with the idea while listening to the song and didn't look up the lyrics until afterward, so i was pleasantly surprised and relieved to find out they match up very well.)
I can't hold your hand
But I’m missing you
I’m worried I might just have my tears to hold
So I’m missing you
I can’t tell you to stay with me
But I’m missing you
So it’s too much, but in the end
It’s because I’m a man who has nothing but his own heart
Luhan wasn't sure why he decided studying abroad in Korea was a good idea. He had a hard enough time in China with the few people he'd managed to befriend, and the idea of being in a new place with an entire country of people who neither knew you nor spoke your language was actually quite perturbing. Luhan wished he'd thought of that ahead of time, before he was faced with a tall, lanky boy with sleepy eyes; his new roommate.
"My name is Oh Sehun," said the boy.
"Luhan." You're a nuisance.
"You don't talk much?"
"My Korean isn't that good." Don't talk to me.
"It sounds fine to me."
"Thanks." You're a pretty good liar for a kid.
Luhan looks out the window of the plane. It's night, and the clouds are pale and soft against the dark sky. He likes the night, always has. It calms him. But right now, it makes him anxious. Reminds him of the amount of hours, minutes, and seconds since he departed from South Korea. From a certain lanky boy with sleepy eyes. His stomach churns and he has to close his eyes when his vision blurs. He's never felt this nervous before.
He knows Sehun won't call him; he'd left no way for the younger boy to reach him. He'd disposed of his cellular phone before he'd left for the airport, and he'd never told Sehun anything about where he lived in China. It's better this way, he tells himself.
The butterflies in his stomach say otherwise.
"You look scared," said Oh Sehun.
"I'm not." How would you know how I feel.
"Don't worry."
"I won't." Stop pretending to care.
Long fingers laced between his own and gave his hand a tight squeeze.
"The first day is always hard. Finding all your classes, being on time, it's stressful. But if you need any help, let me know."
"Ok." Why are you being so kind when you only just met me?
"I'll come running if you call my name," said a warm smile and tenderly crinkled, sleepy eyes.
"Ok."
Luhan squeezed Sehun's hand in return.
Luhan has never liked being on a plane. He can remember taking trips with his parents as a kid, and crying like a baby during ascension and descension, only stopping when they promised him a sugary ice cream cone reward if he sucked up his tears and acted like a big kid.
That was before they put him up for adoption.
He has to keep his eyes tightly shut as the plane dives slowly downward, readying to land. His stomach is in his throat, and he can't help reaching out in the hopes that a familiar, slender hand will be close by, words of comfort prepared to be whispered softly in his ear.
He only grasps at thin air.
"How was your first week?" asked Oh Sehun. Luhan still couldn't work up the nerve to call him by his first name alone.
"Fine." How long will you keep up this facade?
"I'm glad," said that warm smile. "Your classes weren't hard?"
"No." Even if they were, it's none of your business.
"Let's celebrate, huh? I'll buy you a pizza."
"Why should we celebrate? It was just one week."
"It's fun to reward ourselves for accomplishing something that frightened us," Oh Sehun explained. "Let me treat you."
Luhan agreed after a little more pestering.
Yixing is there at the airport in China to greet Luhan. "Welcome home," he says with a smile, placing a soft kiss to Luhan's lips.
Home. That word sounds wrong, tainted. Here, he is with people who don't give him frequent weird looks for his nationality. Here, people speak a language he fully understands.
But Oh Sehun is not here. Therefore, how can this be his home?
"Thanks," he quietly tells Yixing.
Luhan didn't like parties. They were loud and crowded, and full of dishonest, disgusting people. But Sehun stood beside him, enjoying the music.
"You look uncomfortable," he said, leaning dangerously close to Luhan's ear to be heard.
"Yeah." I'm glad you noticed.
"I'll take you back to the dorm."
"It's ok." Please.
Luhan allowed himself to be lead out of the frat house, clinging to Sehun's warm hand.
"You're quiet," says Yixing from the driver's seat.
"Aren't I always," Luhan replies, gaze focused on the passing scenery. Everything is familiar, but not. He knows where he is, but he feels like he shouldn't be here.
"Yes," Yixing laughs, "But more so than I remember." When Luhan remains silent he adds, "I missed you," and removes one hand from the steering wheel to place it comfortingly on Luhan's thigh.
"Yeah."
"You have pretty eyes," said Sehun. They had gotten a little closer.
"Oh." You're not lying, are you.
"I mean, um, that is to say, you, in general are, um, really pretty, um," came a flustered response.
"Thanks." Have you always had a lisp? Or are you embarrassed?
"I think I like you."
"Me too."
Lips sloppily met lips and the world was forgotten.
"Why don't you get a job?" Yixing asks from his seat next to Luhan on the couch in their apartment. Luhan doesn't look at him.
"Sure."
"That's not a definitive answer," Yixing laughs, gently entwining their fingers. "You don't seem like yourself. I think it'd help if you tried to distract yourself."
If Luhan had a problem, Sehun would ask what was wrong. He wouldn't leave Luhan alone until he knew just what was bothering him.
Yixing just kisses Luhan senseless until the only thing he can do is repeat Sehun's name over and over in his head.
It's not the same.
Blankets loosely splayed over sprawled, tangled bodies. Breaths hitched, eyes glazed over with affection, thousands of kisses exchanged with a sense of urgency, like either boy would fade into nothing if they stopped. Moans of pleasure muffled against skin, more kisses, and a light, fluttering feeling in the pit of Luhan's stomach.
"I love you so much," whispered Sehun, face buried in the crook of Luhan's neck.
"I know." I love you too.
"Goddammit, ge," Yixing sighs, arms folded, "Stop being so goddamn despondent." Luhan gives him a blank look. "Either tell me what's wrong or I'm making you pay for the whole month's rent." Luhan really doesn't like that idea, no matter how miserable he is.
So he tells Yixing. Everything.
"Oh," says Yixing. Luhan wonders if he understands.
It had become habit for Sehun and Luhan to do everything together. They spent every hour outside of classes with each other, hands clasped, arms linked, anything just to be close to each other. Sehun's friends teased him and made Luhan feel self conscious, but the younger boy would always reassure him with a smile and one hundred sweet kisses.
"You are mine," Sehun murmured, his eyes crinkling as he looked at Luhan with an adoration that the elder boy didn't even know existed.
"Good." I wouldn't have it any other way.
"He was special to you?" Yixing asks, eyeing Luhan quizzically.
"Define special," Luhan replies.
Sehun was the world, Luhan's galaxy of incessant lip-licking, cute lisps, aegyo to give heart attacks, passionate kisses that made Luhan shudder, and a love so desperate it made Luhan feel sick just thinking about it.
A love he'd abandoned.
"Am I special to you at all?" Yixing asks. Is there hurt in his voice?
Luhan wonders if the only thing he's good at is hurting those around him.
Luhan had told Sehun about his childhood, even if he hadn't mentioned where he was from exactly. Sehun had cried, sniffling and apologizing and using up an entire tissue box before Luhan had forced him to stop by threatening not to cuddle for a week.
"You're so strong," Sehun said, arms wrapped around Luhan's waist.
No I'm not.
That was when the insecurities started.
"Luhan, get out of bed," Yixing commands. Luhan doesn't move. "If you don't get out of bed I'll-" He can't seem to come up with a good threat, so he simply storms out of the room.
Luhan lays there. It's late afternoon, and all he's done is stay in bed all day. He can't bring himself to do anything else. He remembers doing the same thing with Sehun, just laying around, doing nothing, holding each other without a care in the world. He trembles, fighting back tears.
There is no world without Sehun.
The last time they slept together was the night before Luhan left.
He kissed Sehun hungrily, sucking at the younger boy's lips, neck, chest, any exposed skin he could find, marking Sehun as his. He fucked Sehun hard, not stopping even when the younger boy whimpered and writhed and cringed with pleasure and begged him to stop between loud moans. He finally collapsed after both boys had came, panting and laying curled up against Sehun's side, face buried against Sehun's chest.
"You're something else," Sehun said with a weak laugh, arms draped around Luhan's figure.
I'm sorry.
"Get your ass up," Yixing says irritably. "I'm serious, I'm not letting you spend another day in bed."
You're not the boss of me, Luhan thinks. He doesn't have the energy to say it.
He's too busy remembering the feeling of Sehun's touch, of his perfect lips, the way his smile lit up his face and made his already small eyes even smaller. He recalls the gentle way the younger boy would absent-mindedly run a hand through his hair when they sat, doing their homework together, or the soft tone of his voice when he whispered sweet nothings into Luhan's ears when they tried to fall asleep.
He can almost hear Sehun's voice, can picture almost every one of his expressions. He most remembers the heart-wrenching way the younger boy said, "I love you," as if he would disappear if he did not say those words enough.
Luhan is undeserving. He was never good enough for Sehun, never truly did anything to be worthy of such adoration and love. He hates himself for getting caught up in it, for ruining the only good thing that ever happened to him.
Maybe if he stays in bed like this, he'll rot away.
Luhan is awakened by a pounding on the door of the apartment. He sleepily lifts his gaze to the bedside table to read the clock and find that it is early evening. He sits up, stretching, and sees a heavy rain pouring outside.
Had Yixing forgotten his keys and was stranded outside in the rain? Luhan doesn't want to get up, but he knows Yixing will kill him if he doesn't answer the door.
Slowly, he peels himself off of the bed and trails slowly out of the bedroom to the door. He opens it and thinks he's still dreaming.
"Jesus christ, you sleep like a fucking rock!" Sehun exclaims, pushing past Luhan into the apartment, shivering in his soaking clothes.
Luhan responds with a string of words in a mixture of incoherent Mandarin and Korean, but he's pretty sure he somehow asks how and what Sehun is doing there.
Sehun's answer is to scold Luhan. He angrily curses at the older man for abandoning him, for leaving without saying goodbye. He shouts at Luhan until his voice is hoarse and there are tears in his eyes, and Luhan can only listen, dumbfounded.
"Do you know how long it took to find you?" Sehun asks weakly, voice catching in his throat as he reaches out and grasps onto the front of Luhan's shirt. "I searched for God knows how long. I thought I'd dreamt your existence up." Luhan feels himself beginning to cry as well, tears dripping shamelessly from his eyes to wet his cheeks.
"I'm sorry," he murmurs, arms instinctively wrapping around Sehun's drenched body and pulling him as close as possible. "I didn't know how to be with you."
Sehun's lips collide against his, and their tongues feverishly tangle in a ritual dance.
"How did you find me here?" he asks almost silently. He's leading Sehun to the bathroom, stripping the boy of his wet attire and starting a warm shower.
"Someone named Yixing came to visit me," Sehun says, helping Luhan out of his own clothes. "His Korean was horrible, but I somehow managed to figure out that he was telling me he knew you, and that you were in China, and that you needed me." Luhan feels a sudden strong appreciation for Yixing. Perhaps the boy's irritation had been to conceal his desire to help Luhan.
"I do need you," Luhan murmurs, kissing Sehun again. He doesn't think he will ever be able to kiss Sehun enough times to express the magnitude of his need.
They shower together, lips never parting, hands roaming the bodies they so dearly missed. When the water runs cold, the get out, and Luhan dries Sehun's body and vice versa before they move to the bedroom, curling up under the blankets of Luhan's bed.
"I love you." Luhan repeats it over and over, each time becoming more desperate as he kisses the younger boy with swollen lips.
"I know," Sehun whispers, smiling softly.
"I'll never, ever leave you again."
"I know."
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
Luhan wakes up the next morning and is exceedingly relieved to find that Sehun is, indeed, laying next to him.
So it wasn’t a dream.
His fingers trace the younger boy's bare skin, and he smiles softly as Sehun stirs, eyes opening slowly to look at him.
"I love you," Luhan says.
Sehun just smiles and kisses him all over again.