& id do it all again
People keep asking me, how i remain so calm. I guess i didnt really think about it, enough - to put it into words. For the past 2 months or so, ive kinda been prepareing myself - for everything that is happening now. Ive been telling myself that soon enough, you are going to have to let him go - and that is what he needs. At this point, i want myself to hate him - because i want to make it easier to let him go. And ive said really shitty things to him, to get him to hate me too - but i dont hate him...i couldnt. i just want it to be easy to let go of, and ofcourse it never could be - seeing that he truely defined love to me. what i had with scott, was like magic - and thats why, i prepared myself knowing - that if i didnt, i would be devestated. i dont sit around and cry, and i dont mope and act depressed - because i know thats not what hes doing. I know that if i show him a sense of weakness, and that i am feeling more pain then he is - that some how he will be able to use that against me. Im also a firm beleiver in, everything happends for a reason - and there must be a reason to this, or - it wouldnt have happend. I hope, truely i do - for his happiness, and that he finds someone he loves more than he ever loved me. I know most people dont understand how i could even be seeing that, but im not a bitter selfish x. i want him truely, to be happy - i love him enough, to want him to be happy. and i dont beleive that with me he was truely that happy,- because if he was, maybe he would have showed it & not done the stupid things he did do - and never realized were wrong, until i told him they were affecting me. I let myself be the blame for everything, every little problem we had - i pinned on myself, and the thing is...he let me. he didnt want to deal with the fact that maybe, it wasnt me - maybe he really was doing something wrong, and i coudlnt allow myself the pain anymore. i put myself into our relationship, i worked my ass off - never did i give something so much effort, and sometimes....when you feel like truely, you are the only one who is working your ass off...and trying, and fighting - you cant do it, you just cant. you cant be the only one. and maybe i wasnt worth it enough to him, to fight like i fought for him - but thats ok too. i will not hold onto him, i will let myself go foward, and keep my head up knowing that my someone is out there...and maybe all my hard work, was worth nothing - but makeing me stronger. i will not give my heart out this easily, i will not allow myself to beleive in love like i did - but maybe someday, i will experience this love again. and maybe then, all of this will make more sense.