scared
Everything is essentially REALLY bad at the moment.
My father, first of all, though everyone in my immediate life is surely tired of hearing about the melodramas, is experiencing stage 3 kidney failure. I have avoided him meticulously and he is, by all evidence, well aware of this and very hurt by it.
I have avoided my entire family. I am not a good person these days. I HATE the person I am seeming to be. The only thing that keeps me from entire collapse is the idea that I AM STILL IN HERE SOMEWHERE.
I don't want people I love to know THIS me. If THIS really is me, they shouldn't have to know me at all.
My living situation is desperate and precarious. I love my roomate with all of my heart(if nothing else exists within me, a heart surely does - and it still works, and painfully so). We just can't live together - it seems to be no sort of living at all. I experience both massive guilt and frustrated hurt because of this. I made a bad decision, and what's worse is that I allowed it to tear us apart. I miss her and I miss how I was - I don't know what to say or do or how to keep her in my life when we both have such ambivalence.
This summer has been the most painful of my life.
I am terrified. I am holding on, but I have a lot of work to do to even rejoin the realm of the functional.
ALSO,
I am vacating my apartment as soon as possible. Consequently, I am in imminent need of a roomate and a place. I want to be as far as possible from this hellhole while keeping close to Saint Mary's.
PLEASE let me know if you are interested in finding living arrangements in the Berkeley/lafayette area. I have no desire to move home and doubt it'd be very healthy for me at this point in my father's ailing state of health.
I will be okay. That is not an optional outcome.
I love you. I am so sorry for my continuing selfishness. I mean that.
My father, first of all, though everyone in my immediate life is surely tired of hearing about the melodramas, is experiencing stage 3 kidney failure. I have avoided him meticulously and he is, by all evidence, well aware of this and very hurt by it.
I have avoided my entire family. I am not a good person these days. I HATE the person I am seeming to be. The only thing that keeps me from entire collapse is the idea that I AM STILL IN HERE SOMEWHERE.
I don't want people I love to know THIS me. If THIS really is me, they shouldn't have to know me at all.
My living situation is desperate and precarious. I love my roomate with all of my heart(if nothing else exists within me, a heart surely does - and it still works, and painfully so). We just can't live together - it seems to be no sort of living at all. I experience both massive guilt and frustrated hurt because of this. I made a bad decision, and what's worse is that I allowed it to tear us apart. I miss her and I miss how I was - I don't know what to say or do or how to keep her in my life when we both have such ambivalence.
This summer has been the most painful of my life.
I am terrified. I am holding on, but I have a lot of work to do to even rejoin the realm of the functional.
ALSO,
I am vacating my apartment as soon as possible. Consequently, I am in imminent need of a roomate and a place. I want to be as far as possible from this hellhole while keeping close to Saint Mary's.
PLEASE let me know if you are interested in finding living arrangements in the Berkeley/lafayette area. I have no desire to move home and doubt it'd be very healthy for me at this point in my father's ailing state of health.
I will be okay. That is not an optional outcome.
I love you. I am so sorry for my continuing selfishness. I mean that.