(no subject)
So it's been quite some time since I've written in this damn thing. It's been exactly two months now that I've been back in Charlotte. Things have been crazy. From having good friends have their door kicked down and busted with kilos and kilos of shit and lots of guns, to having hitmen paid to kill me, and lets not forget being fucking miserable without Tony or knowing he's okay.
I was starting to get settled back in here. Got my skull and crossbones tattoo, kind of a statement of getting over Tony. I told Cat I was permanent on the list of who's living with them. I've gotten closer to a couple people. Works great, in fact have the chance to get a second job. I was just having trouble on the inside. Constantly wondering if Tony was okay. Asking myself if he looked down and saw my writing on his arm, his tattoo, and thought of me. Does he smell my perfume that he sprayed all over all of his belongings and think of me?? Does he see the hatchetman I gave him hanging around his neck and think of me?? Does he miss me?? What happened??
All these questions and no answers . . .
. . . until two months later.
I woke up this morning with seven missed calls and three voicemails. I checked my voicemails and I have two from Florida numbers. The first one "Arrrrrggggghhhh". The second one "Yo's and Ho's and a big bottle of rum, argh!!" Tony finally called me. I called him back and we talked for a few. He's got a job, getting paid $12/hr. He's done nothing but smoke pot and drink since he's been there. He said he just had to finally call me, because things were getting in place there, and he constantly thinks of me. All those questions I had, he answered, without me saying anything. He said he thinks of me every time he looks at his arm. He said he thinks of me everytime he smells anything of his. He said he thinks of me when he looks at any of the things that belonged to me that he took with him. He said it's getting to the point where he can't stand waking up and me not being there. He's found a lawyer who will give him his divorce cheap. He's making money, saving money. Not smoking crack. He's found a place he wants us to move into. His aunt moved out of his cousin's house, which is where he's staying, and now I can move down there anytime I want to. He wants to get a hotel room for a week, have me come stay, see if I like it there and if I do, if I can get a job quickly.
I don't care if I like Florida or not. My world is there. I once had everything I ever wanted, everything was as perfect as possible, then it all went away, and never came back and I didn't know why. But now I do, and it's back. It's either give up everything I have, or give up everything I ever wanted. Leave everything I know, wonder . . . no AMAZING friends, my family, everything I've grown up around . . . everything and go to Florida where I know no one and start a new, better, clean life with Tony, or stay here and continue my life here and lose the most amazing person I've ever met.
I thought I was in love with Pinz. I thought that the feelings I had for Andy were unexplainable. Nothing compares to Tony. Sure, he's a paranoid schizophrenic who no longer takes his medication. Sure he's a recovering crack addict. Sure he's just straight up fucking crazy. But he's wonderful. The way he made me feel just by looking at me. Just, everything. I couldn't ask for more. I told him one day in the mountains that I was in this with him through thick and thin. I told him I'd stand by his side no matter what. I meant that.
So, anywhere as early as next month, to as late as July . . . I'll be relocating for Florida, for a long time, if not ever.
I was starting to get settled back in here. Got my skull and crossbones tattoo, kind of a statement of getting over Tony. I told Cat I was permanent on the list of who's living with them. I've gotten closer to a couple people. Works great, in fact have the chance to get a second job. I was just having trouble on the inside. Constantly wondering if Tony was okay. Asking myself if he looked down and saw my writing on his arm, his tattoo, and thought of me. Does he smell my perfume that he sprayed all over all of his belongings and think of me?? Does he see the hatchetman I gave him hanging around his neck and think of me?? Does he miss me?? What happened??
All these questions and no answers . . .
. . . until two months later.
I woke up this morning with seven missed calls and three voicemails. I checked my voicemails and I have two from Florida numbers. The first one "Arrrrrggggghhhh". The second one "Yo's and Ho's and a big bottle of rum, argh!!" Tony finally called me. I called him back and we talked for a few. He's got a job, getting paid $12/hr. He's done nothing but smoke pot and drink since he's been there. He said he just had to finally call me, because things were getting in place there, and he constantly thinks of me. All those questions I had, he answered, without me saying anything. He said he thinks of me every time he looks at his arm. He said he thinks of me everytime he smells anything of his. He said he thinks of me when he looks at any of the things that belonged to me that he took with him. He said it's getting to the point where he can't stand waking up and me not being there. He's found a lawyer who will give him his divorce cheap. He's making money, saving money. Not smoking crack. He's found a place he wants us to move into. His aunt moved out of his cousin's house, which is where he's staying, and now I can move down there anytime I want to. He wants to get a hotel room for a week, have me come stay, see if I like it there and if I do, if I can get a job quickly.
I don't care if I like Florida or not. My world is there. I once had everything I ever wanted, everything was as perfect as possible, then it all went away, and never came back and I didn't know why. But now I do, and it's back. It's either give up everything I have, or give up everything I ever wanted. Leave everything I know, wonder . . . no AMAZING friends, my family, everything I've grown up around . . . everything and go to Florida where I know no one and start a new, better, clean life with Tony, or stay here and continue my life here and lose the most amazing person I've ever met.
I thought I was in love with Pinz. I thought that the feelings I had for Andy were unexplainable. Nothing compares to Tony. Sure, he's a paranoid schizophrenic who no longer takes his medication. Sure he's a recovering crack addict. Sure he's just straight up fucking crazy. But he's wonderful. The way he made me feel just by looking at me. Just, everything. I couldn't ask for more. I told him one day in the mountains that I was in this with him through thick and thin. I told him I'd stand by his side no matter what. I meant that.
So, anywhere as early as next month, to as late as July . . . I'll be relocating for Florida, for a long time, if not ever.