(no subject)
I'm inspired to update randomly by a friend who I'm not going to ... friend on LJ, because I know people from 'real life' will find me and I hate the idea of other people watching over my shoulder.
At least I know if people have this journal they are probably friends from the internet who can't stare at me and think 'I see what you did thar and you have no idea that I saw it'.
Let's see where to start.
Grad school terrifies me. Like, hyperventilation-at-the-mention terrifies. Mostly I think it's because I have to deal with real life in an adult way. I don't feel like an adult most of the time, but I don't feel like I'm a reckless teenager (I never really was one anyway).
The fact that I let other people's problems influence me to a paralyzing extent bothers me, but I'm not sure how to fix it. Being too empathetic is better than being too apathetic, right? At least I know I still care.
Mom fights with her boyfriend, her boyfriend and I are left at home together while mom goes to a friend's house. Exceedingly awkward, it makes me uncomfortable being home. I've been spending a lot of time at Luc's place lately and I feel like I'm hogging his attention or that there's something that he could be doing with other people (like his friends) that I'm holding him back from doing.
I think I mother him too much sometimes too, but I want to see him succeed so he can be happy. Is that so wrong?
At the same time, not being home for 4/7 days a week makes it easier for my mom and I to get along. Instead of yelling at me because she was frustrated with her boyfriend like she usually does, she actually told me what was wrong and let me make constructive suggestions. Trippy as shit.
My temper has been shitty lately. I snap and yell and am a horrible bitch, then I get emo about how Luc should break up with me for being a horrible bitch. It passes, but I still wonder because I have low self-esteem and because first relationships are apparently terrifying.
Maybe I'm just using all these horror-adjectives because it's Halloween in a month? Doubtful.
Stupidly, I feel that I don't have enough time or motivation for roleplay and what used to make me happy about it is temporarily gone. Or at least, I think it's temporary. Hopefully.
I also feel like this is akin to those emo rants I used to have when I was fourteen. Woe is me, my life is so fucking difficult and I am clearly the most important thing in the universe right now.
I'm supposed to go to work at the Open House tomorrow and I just want to go and shop and make myself feel pretty for a while. It's kind of balls.
At least I know if people have this journal they are probably friends from the internet who can't stare at me and think 'I see what you did thar and you have no idea that I saw it'.
Let's see where to start.
Grad school terrifies me. Like, hyperventilation-at-the-mention terrifies. Mostly I think it's because I have to deal with real life in an adult way. I don't feel like an adult most of the time, but I don't feel like I'm a reckless teenager (I never really was one anyway).
The fact that I let other people's problems influence me to a paralyzing extent bothers me, but I'm not sure how to fix it. Being too empathetic is better than being too apathetic, right? At least I know I still care.
Mom fights with her boyfriend, her boyfriend and I are left at home together while mom goes to a friend's house. Exceedingly awkward, it makes me uncomfortable being home. I've been spending a lot of time at Luc's place lately and I feel like I'm hogging his attention or that there's something that he could be doing with other people (like his friends) that I'm holding him back from doing.
I think I mother him too much sometimes too, but I want to see him succeed so he can be happy. Is that so wrong?
At the same time, not being home for 4/7 days a week makes it easier for my mom and I to get along. Instead of yelling at me because she was frustrated with her boyfriend like she usually does, she actually told me what was wrong and let me make constructive suggestions. Trippy as shit.
My temper has been shitty lately. I snap and yell and am a horrible bitch, then I get emo about how Luc should break up with me for being a horrible bitch. It passes, but I still wonder because I have low self-esteem and because first relationships are apparently terrifying.
Maybe I'm just using all these horror-adjectives because it's Halloween in a month? Doubtful.
Stupidly, I feel that I don't have enough time or motivation for roleplay and what used to make me happy about it is temporarily gone. Or at least, I think it's temporary. Hopefully.
I also feel like this is akin to those emo rants I used to have when I was fourteen. Woe is me, my life is so fucking difficult and I am clearly the most important thing in the universe right now.
I'm supposed to go to work at the Open House tomorrow and I just want to go and shop and make myself feel pretty for a while. It's kind of balls.