This is just me rambling, feel free to ignore
I am socially conflicted on a number of points. Possibly even on the number of points.
I have a bunch of friends that I have made while in Texas, who all moved away... But who are now coming back. I am not actually the only person in said friends group who is in school still - I am the only person in grad school who is actively working on things (one person who I am not really close to is an undergrad, and another is mostly finished a non-thesis MA and needs to do an internship). There is talk about all the fun things we will be able to do when everyone is back... Of course, right now I am trying to finish my dissertation and I am actively trying to avoid being more social, and as a result of this poor timing, I am already feeling a little bitter. I also feel old. I'm not actually the oldest, but I am older than most, and I feel like, socially, they are at a place where I was before I left for ECU, in terms of work/life balance, socialization and such. At that time I was working and not in school, and living with friends. There was, at least in theory, a lot of fun socialization to be had (there was a lot of other stuff going on at that time in my life, though).
Anyway, I feel disconnected because I'm not participating both theoretically and practically - while I went out this afternoon to see people (atm people are just visiting, including some other friends who are permanently established in Houston), I declined to go back out with everyone for communal hangouts this evening as well. In theory I am home working on the diss (and in practice I have done some work and will do more), because we are supposed to be gaming tomorrow afternoon. And tomorrow evening there is a superbowl and stuff party that I am also probably sitting out of, because I don't really care about sports and I'll have been gaming all afternoon... and I should be working on the diss. So today was the only time I will really get to see any of those friends, pretty much.
So that takes care of the 'practically' issue. Theoretically... I don't know, i still don't really feel like I belong anyway. I feel more like I snuck into the room when no one was looking. I am probably being silly, to some extent. But I also know myself - I'm not very good at being close to people. I don't like sharing things about myself, so I'm not very open, and this doesn't really encourage a lot of openness in return. This isn't really something I want to change about myself - in terms of being open - so I don't know what to do with that. I feel like I do better with people in smaller groups too, but this particular group doesn't really *do* small. So I don't feel like I've ever really connected with people. I like them, but I still feel very marginal, like I don't have a lot to contribute, or that what I do have isn't noticed. I am not the one that people want to show cool things to, or ask about things, unless it is a more generally shared interest. Maybe I don't have enough other things in common with them, really? But part of it is the big group thing - I get into a big group and I want to go sit on the sidelines and watch them, and not tell them anything about me. This is probably why I am in anthropology :p I also wonder if when I am interested in being friends with someone, or I think they are cool or neat, if I come off too strong.
I don't know, I really am just rambling. I'm not looking for advice or sympathy, just some medium of expression. It is just frustrating because I feel like people being around and being more social should be an opportunity, and instead I am cutting myself off more, and it really isn't helping.
I know I have friends - lots of them, really, and good ones - but I do feel like most of those friendships evolved more out of one-on-one interaction, and I don't know how to deal with a big group where really I only ever see one or two of them (three now with the new roommate, but even that is fairly occasional because she is often out, so far) at that level. I suppose, if that is a false observation, you can let me know that, if anyone reading this feels like responding, or maybe even something along the lines of 'this is why I think you are a good friend' - or a bad one, I suppose :3
I realize I am not the only person who has these kinds of feelings, but I think we can all agree it is frustrating -_-