Pieces Nine
This section is long, and significant. I hope that it is also *good*. I'm almost wary of posting it because it reveals so much, and it is at this point that I worry people will decide my whole concept is just implausible and stupid. Ahh well. I hope you will at least be honest. If it *is* implausible and stupid, I have other things I can write ^-^ It is also one of the longest, if not the longest, section I've written. Hopefully they won't get too much longer than this. Now if only I could write this much on my thesis in a day in one sitting, I'd be laughing -_-
Anyway, without further ado...
Pieces 1-8
I have purchased some things for basement. Mostly they are utilitarian things, such as sheets for the bed, towels and extra toiletries, some basic groceries. I tried to pick things that interested me, that I had some positive opinion of, but one I brought them all together, they seemed quite bland. They don't speak of any particular personality. I acquired some extra things for the kitchen as well, including a coffee maker. A new pot is currently percolating, and the rich and bitter aroma permeates the apartment. Anna never understood how I could drink black coffee, but the flavour just seems crisper, or richer, perhaps, when it is undiluted.
I've been feeling less inclined to go out since I've rented this place. For the first few days, Alita stopped down quite regularly to see how I was getting along. She seems disappointed that I am not more open with her. She senses that something is amiss with me, but she was initially curious, instead of put off. Even now, she seems mostly concerned for rather than about me. As long as she respects my privacy, I can accept that.
I am preparing to pour myself a cup of coffee when the cell rings. It rings a second time before I reach it. I hope that it is Anna, though it could potentially be Xi.
"Hello."
"Hi Daniel." It is Anna. I knew she would need some time before she wanted to speak to me again, but I am glad to hear her voice. She sounds calm, which is also encouraging. I don't want her to be upset, and I don't want to be the one to upset her.
"It's good to hear from you Anna."
"I was just hoping we could talk some more." Maybe she is a little nervous, still.
"I'd like that. I don't have good reception in here, though. Can you call me back on my landline?" I could improve the reception, of course, but I would rather use a more secure line.
"Where are you?"
"I'm… call me back?"
"Alright. The signal is kind of fuzzy out here too, maybe it will help."
I give her the number, and wonder where she is calling from. With the exception of Portland, I don't think she'd been using a cell to call before. I pick up my mug and my new cordless from its cradle, and go to sit on the sofa. I take a sip of hot coffee, and a bare moment later, that phone rings.
"Hello again."
"Is this better?" Her voice is slightly clearer, but I can almost hear the wind in the background. I close my eyes and try to imagine where she might be.
"It is, yes." I can see her, sitting on a blanket on a hill in the forest looking out over a wide valley, power lines running off towards a small town just visible in the distance. She's sitting on a grey wool army blanket, wrapped up in a sweater and her old yellow coat. Her hair is tied back with a green and yellow scarf. She has a glass of red wine in one hand, her cell pressed to her face with the other. A shaggy grey dog is sniffing around some bushes off to her left, close to where her VW is parked just off a stretch of dirt logging road. I can hear her sip the wine over the phone. It's not imagination after all, just my subconscious showing me what I want to see.
"So," she asks, "Where are you staying?"
"I'm renting a place in Portland right now. Just a basement."
"Are you taking care of yourself?"
I'm not sure exactly what she means. "I'm trying."
"I hope so." The dog, a medium sized mutt, comes over and lies down at her feet. She scratches its ears absently, watching the sky. "I'm sorry about Portland. I thought I was ready to see you, but I guess I wasn't quite."
"It's alright. I don't want to rush…" Rush what? "…things."
"Always so patient." She pauses, looking into her wine. "Dan, there's some things I need to know, before I can figure out what I even want, and things I need to tell you and - I just don't know where to start."
"I understand." And I do. It's the same for me. I don't know what to tell her about why I left, or where I've been. I can tell her facts, but how will she understand them? Her life is a mystery to me. "Can you tell me about Danny?" She flashes the sky a quick, sad, smile, as a hawk flies overhead.
"He's such a good kid. He's smart, and kind, and he has your eyes. He reminds me of you. He's in school, right now, and the he has soccer, and I asked one of his friend's mothers if she would keep him overnight tonight." I listen and try to imagine our son… and I fail. He's too much a stranger. "He's so clever, and so serious sometimes. Some… people say it's because of his moon, but they've just never met you. He asked me when he left to go to Sandra's this afternoon if I was going to be okay. He's the most important thing to me in the world."
She drinks more wine, and I try to think of how to respond. I’m glad he turned out well? "I'm sorry that I wasn't there." She purses her lips.
"I guess I can accept that, but I don't understand. Adam told me a little bit about what happened at the hospital, but that was weeks later. I was so angry at everything, and everyone." The dog looks up and, perhaps reacting to the emotion in her voice, whines and yawns. ” I didn't have anywhere to go."
"What did he tell you?"
"I don't know what I can tell you. I don't know what you know about… that part of the family."
How much harder could this be to talk about? "I know that they're lupine lycanthropes. I know some things, but not very much, beyond that. I know that your brother is one, but I don't know…" I don't want to believe that she knew before hand, but it isn't fair of me to begrudge her for keeping the secret if she did. I had no idea, and I don't know if anyone involved in the project knew. "I don't know if you knew that."
On her hill top, Anna sets down her wine and reaches over for a stick lying on the ground. She flings it towards a section of the ravine with a more gradual incline, then takes and slowly releases a deep breath, trying to let go some of her tension. She shakes her head.
"When Adam came, after you'd gone on... assignment, or wherever you were before Danny was born. He told me then. It was kind of scary. There were these two older women with him, and they were very forceful, but he was so respectful to them. He called them his, or our, aunts but I had never heard of them before." She pulls her knees up to her chin and picks up her wine again. "Adam only ever told me what happened that night because Michael Xi called. He wanted to know if *I* knew anything about you. He told me you'd been coming to see me, but he wouldn't say anything else, and I never heard anything from him after that. And I got scared, because Adam had been acting strange, even after the 'aunts' left. I was scared they'd done something to you."
"No." I wonder what would have happened if any of us had been less surprised. It was such an unlikely conjunction of events; an unlikely string of uncontrolled coincidences. I wish I was there with her, and that we could talk about this face to face. If I were simply alone in my apartment, listening, I fear I would feel too disconnected to be open at all, but this feels like cheating, like an invasion. But what's a little more guilt? "You were asleep, but Danny wasn't there. I heard, and followed, voices, thinking maybe the nurses had taken him for something. Instead I found him with your brother and… your 'aunts', in the middle of some kind of ceremony. One of them was… changed… and holding him but he wasn't crying. They were startled at the interruption." I remember how wide Adam's eyes went at how quickly my gun was in hand. He must have been the only one who knew who I was. I recognized him instantly, even though we'd never met, but beyond that I couldn't process what was happening.
"And then… you ran? Where did you *go*?" She searches the sky for answers. Her hurt is still written in her eyes.
"I left." I don't remember if I ran or not. It's still unclear. "I was… I didn't understand what was happening, but I didn't think I could deal with it. These …people had our son, and didn't know them, or what they wanted." Reality deviants, not people. I don't think she could understand how I thought, and if I could explain, I don't think it would help. It still leaves me cold to think of how powerless I felt at that moment, even though so much has changed for me since. Anna frowns, her brow furrowed, as she listens. "I went for help, to headquarters, and reported what I'd seen. They told me they would handle things, and sent me for a debriefing and…" And then nothing. Reconditioning. Project failed - project terminated.
"Are you alright?"
Am I? I've been watching her so carefully and not paying any attention to myself. I'm so tense that my knuckles are white, and I've spilled some of my coffee. I've never spoken of this before, and hardly like to think of it. I wish I were there with her. I wish I could have done anything differently, but it wouldn't have mattered. It wasn't in me to accept the situation then, and everything else was beyond my control anyway. I could have tried to live an uncomfortable lie, but they would have found out, and it could have only been worse.
"Daniel?" She is looking more upset herself. Not like in Portland, when she overwhelmed herself. She is better prepared today, but she still hurts, and it is still on account of me.
"They made me forget you."
"How? *Why*?"
The first is easier to answer. "They have different techniques… Advanced mental conditioning procedures."
"Brainwashing?"
"Yes." More or less. And now the harder part. I feel hollow, as if explaining this to her is as big a betrayal as the act of forgetting, or of trusting the Order over our commitment. I don't remember if I resisted, if I ever even knew what they were doing. I can't believe I would have given her up easily. "They though that if I was still attached to you, that it would compromise my ability to do my job."
"But you're not still with that organization, secret government group or whatever it was…. You're not with them now."
"No." If I could only convince them of that - if they would only leave me in peace. I wonder what Xi might ever ask, if he tracks me down again.
"Adam told me some things…" She trails off. I don't want to know what he might have said, but I can tell she isn't sure she believes it. "I need to digest this, to think about it. It's a lot to absorb." She rests her on her knees again.
"Alright." She deserves that. But I don't want to let her go. I don't understand, can't explain what I need. And I don't want to scare her.
"I will call you again, though. Maybe even… we'll see. I need to think."
"Alright."
"Daniel," she starts then stops, frowning in confusion. "Thank you for telling me all this. I can tell this is hard, but I - "
"You deserved to know, Anna."
More frowns. Is she concerned? Is that it? She shakes her head. "Thanks. I'll talk to you later."
"Goodbye."
I let her hand up. She flips the phone shut and sets it down beside her, and then pours herself a new glass of wine. I can hear the dog chasing through the underbrush on its way back up the slope.
I let her go, and kill the dial tone on the cordless. I set down my mug - the coffee's bitterness is unappealing. The bare walls of the apartment seem oppressive; the room seems small, cold and empty. I don't know what to do, so I sit and do nothing.
Anyway, without further ado...
Pieces 1-8
I have purchased some things for basement. Mostly they are utilitarian things, such as sheets for the bed, towels and extra toiletries, some basic groceries. I tried to pick things that interested me, that I had some positive opinion of, but one I brought them all together, they seemed quite bland. They don't speak of any particular personality. I acquired some extra things for the kitchen as well, including a coffee maker. A new pot is currently percolating, and the rich and bitter aroma permeates the apartment. Anna never understood how I could drink black coffee, but the flavour just seems crisper, or richer, perhaps, when it is undiluted.
I've been feeling less inclined to go out since I've rented this place. For the first few days, Alita stopped down quite regularly to see how I was getting along. She seems disappointed that I am not more open with her. She senses that something is amiss with me, but she was initially curious, instead of put off. Even now, she seems mostly concerned for rather than about me. As long as she respects my privacy, I can accept that.
I am preparing to pour myself a cup of coffee when the cell rings. It rings a second time before I reach it. I hope that it is Anna, though it could potentially be Xi.
"Hello."
"Hi Daniel." It is Anna. I knew she would need some time before she wanted to speak to me again, but I am glad to hear her voice. She sounds calm, which is also encouraging. I don't want her to be upset, and I don't want to be the one to upset her.
"It's good to hear from you Anna."
"I was just hoping we could talk some more." Maybe she is a little nervous, still.
"I'd like that. I don't have good reception in here, though. Can you call me back on my landline?" I could improve the reception, of course, but I would rather use a more secure line.
"Where are you?"
"I'm… call me back?"
"Alright. The signal is kind of fuzzy out here too, maybe it will help."
I give her the number, and wonder where she is calling from. With the exception of Portland, I don't think she'd been using a cell to call before. I pick up my mug and my new cordless from its cradle, and go to sit on the sofa. I take a sip of hot coffee, and a bare moment later, that phone rings.
"Hello again."
"Is this better?" Her voice is slightly clearer, but I can almost hear the wind in the background. I close my eyes and try to imagine where she might be.
"It is, yes." I can see her, sitting on a blanket on a hill in the forest looking out over a wide valley, power lines running off towards a small town just visible in the distance. She's sitting on a grey wool army blanket, wrapped up in a sweater and her old yellow coat. Her hair is tied back with a green and yellow scarf. She has a glass of red wine in one hand, her cell pressed to her face with the other. A shaggy grey dog is sniffing around some bushes off to her left, close to where her VW is parked just off a stretch of dirt logging road. I can hear her sip the wine over the phone. It's not imagination after all, just my subconscious showing me what I want to see.
"So," she asks, "Where are you staying?"
"I'm renting a place in Portland right now. Just a basement."
"Are you taking care of yourself?"
I'm not sure exactly what she means. "I'm trying."
"I hope so." The dog, a medium sized mutt, comes over and lies down at her feet. She scratches its ears absently, watching the sky. "I'm sorry about Portland. I thought I was ready to see you, but I guess I wasn't quite."
"It's alright. I don't want to rush…" Rush what? "…things."
"Always so patient." She pauses, looking into her wine. "Dan, there's some things I need to know, before I can figure out what I even want, and things I need to tell you and - I just don't know where to start."
"I understand." And I do. It's the same for me. I don't know what to tell her about why I left, or where I've been. I can tell her facts, but how will she understand them? Her life is a mystery to me. "Can you tell me about Danny?" She flashes the sky a quick, sad, smile, as a hawk flies overhead.
"He's such a good kid. He's smart, and kind, and he has your eyes. He reminds me of you. He's in school, right now, and the he has soccer, and I asked one of his friend's mothers if she would keep him overnight tonight." I listen and try to imagine our son… and I fail. He's too much a stranger. "He's so clever, and so serious sometimes. Some… people say it's because of his moon, but they've just never met you. He asked me when he left to go to Sandra's this afternoon if I was going to be okay. He's the most important thing to me in the world."
She drinks more wine, and I try to think of how to respond. I’m glad he turned out well? "I'm sorry that I wasn't there." She purses her lips.
"I guess I can accept that, but I don't understand. Adam told me a little bit about what happened at the hospital, but that was weeks later. I was so angry at everything, and everyone." The dog looks up and, perhaps reacting to the emotion in her voice, whines and yawns. ” I didn't have anywhere to go."
"What did he tell you?"
"I don't know what I can tell you. I don't know what you know about… that part of the family."
How much harder could this be to talk about? "I know that they're lupine lycanthropes. I know some things, but not very much, beyond that. I know that your brother is one, but I don't know…" I don't want to believe that she knew before hand, but it isn't fair of me to begrudge her for keeping the secret if she did. I had no idea, and I don't know if anyone involved in the project knew. "I don't know if you knew that."
On her hill top, Anna sets down her wine and reaches over for a stick lying on the ground. She flings it towards a section of the ravine with a more gradual incline, then takes and slowly releases a deep breath, trying to let go some of her tension. She shakes her head.
"When Adam came, after you'd gone on... assignment, or wherever you were before Danny was born. He told me then. It was kind of scary. There were these two older women with him, and they were very forceful, but he was so respectful to them. He called them his, or our, aunts but I had never heard of them before." She pulls her knees up to her chin and picks up her wine again. "Adam only ever told me what happened that night because Michael Xi called. He wanted to know if *I* knew anything about you. He told me you'd been coming to see me, but he wouldn't say anything else, and I never heard anything from him after that. And I got scared, because Adam had been acting strange, even after the 'aunts' left. I was scared they'd done something to you."
"No." I wonder what would have happened if any of us had been less surprised. It was such an unlikely conjunction of events; an unlikely string of uncontrolled coincidences. I wish I was there with her, and that we could talk about this face to face. If I were simply alone in my apartment, listening, I fear I would feel too disconnected to be open at all, but this feels like cheating, like an invasion. But what's a little more guilt? "You were asleep, but Danny wasn't there. I heard, and followed, voices, thinking maybe the nurses had taken him for something. Instead I found him with your brother and… your 'aunts', in the middle of some kind of ceremony. One of them was… changed… and holding him but he wasn't crying. They were startled at the interruption." I remember how wide Adam's eyes went at how quickly my gun was in hand. He must have been the only one who knew who I was. I recognized him instantly, even though we'd never met, but beyond that I couldn't process what was happening.
"And then… you ran? Where did you *go*?" She searches the sky for answers. Her hurt is still written in her eyes.
"I left." I don't remember if I ran or not. It's still unclear. "I was… I didn't understand what was happening, but I didn't think I could deal with it. These …people had our son, and didn't know them, or what they wanted." Reality deviants, not people. I don't think she could understand how I thought, and if I could explain, I don't think it would help. It still leaves me cold to think of how powerless I felt at that moment, even though so much has changed for me since. Anna frowns, her brow furrowed, as she listens. "I went for help, to headquarters, and reported what I'd seen. They told me they would handle things, and sent me for a debriefing and…" And then nothing. Reconditioning. Project failed - project terminated.
"Are you alright?"
Am I? I've been watching her so carefully and not paying any attention to myself. I'm so tense that my knuckles are white, and I've spilled some of my coffee. I've never spoken of this before, and hardly like to think of it. I wish I were there with her. I wish I could have done anything differently, but it wouldn't have mattered. It wasn't in me to accept the situation then, and everything else was beyond my control anyway. I could have tried to live an uncomfortable lie, but they would have found out, and it could have only been worse.
"Daniel?" She is looking more upset herself. Not like in Portland, when she overwhelmed herself. She is better prepared today, but she still hurts, and it is still on account of me.
"They made me forget you."
"How? *Why*?"
The first is easier to answer. "They have different techniques… Advanced mental conditioning procedures."
"Brainwashing?"
"Yes." More or less. And now the harder part. I feel hollow, as if explaining this to her is as big a betrayal as the act of forgetting, or of trusting the Order over our commitment. I don't remember if I resisted, if I ever even knew what they were doing. I can't believe I would have given her up easily. "They though that if I was still attached to you, that it would compromise my ability to do my job."
"But you're not still with that organization, secret government group or whatever it was…. You're not with them now."
"No." If I could only convince them of that - if they would only leave me in peace. I wonder what Xi might ever ask, if he tracks me down again.
"Adam told me some things…" She trails off. I don't want to know what he might have said, but I can tell she isn't sure she believes it. "I need to digest this, to think about it. It's a lot to absorb." She rests her on her knees again.
"Alright." She deserves that. But I don't want to let her go. I don't understand, can't explain what I need. And I don't want to scare her.
"I will call you again, though. Maybe even… we'll see. I need to think."
"Alright."
"Daniel," she starts then stops, frowning in confusion. "Thank you for telling me all this. I can tell this is hard, but I - "
"You deserved to know, Anna."
More frowns. Is she concerned? Is that it? She shakes her head. "Thanks. I'll talk to you later."
"Goodbye."
I let her hand up. She flips the phone shut and sets it down beside her, and then pours herself a new glass of wine. I can hear the dog chasing through the underbrush on its way back up the slope.
I let her go, and kill the dial tone on the cordless. I set down my mug - the coffee's bitterness is unappealing. The bare walls of the apartment seem oppressive; the room seems small, cold and empty. I don't know what to do, so I sit and do nothing.