Still

Nov 14, 2008 21:47

Still pretty depressed. Cried on and off today. Brought my matress to the other house.Talked to Mom on the phone. She's sad, too, and says she doesn't want me to leave like this. I don't want to leave either, but it's obvious my dad is going to force me out one way or another. He claims that he wants me to stay, but I know that I can't. Not if he thinks it's ok to bully me like when I was little.And he does think bullying is ok. So I have to leave.

I feel very lonely. Brian says I always have a place to stay with him. I wish I could be at his house now. But he's having a party with his friends. I'm in no state to be around social situations. All I want to do is sleep and cry.

On Sunday I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. Normally I've been spending Sunday nights with my parents. And since I have to work Monday morning, I usually just hang out with my mom til Thursday. But I can't do that anymore. I would go to the other house I'm going to be staying in, but there's no furniture there.

Maybe I can just stay at Brian's after work? I know it's a longer drive to work the next day, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to be alone. I wish I could see my mother. I wish she would move into the other house with me and finally divorce my dad. But she won't.

God, this is killing me.

And I have a show tomorrow; gotta do some book fair with Shakespeare Miami. I'm not even fully off book with the monologues yet. I've been too sick, upset this week to really work hard on it. I know as a professional we're supposed to leave our problems outside of the work, but I just can't seem to focus.

I really resent my selfish father for always ruining everything. I was hoping mom could help direct me for the show; I could use her advice. And maybe I can get her in good with Colleen and she can be casted for this spring's reading. And then maybe she could audition for next year's show. She'd been acting since before I was born. But she's so caught up in appeasing that monster of a husband of hers that she has no time for anything else.

I had silly dreams of her coming back to showbiz with me. Maybe we could open our own theatre company. We had several outlines for original plays in the making, and now that I've made some South Florida connections, maybe we could have actually had a few venues lined up. I really thought that she could be with me on this.

But all she does is work a low-paying job in order to live paycheck to paycheck. Sure, she TALKS about doing greater things, but she never does them. All she does is follow my dad like a little servant girl. It sickens me to realize that someone with as much talent and skill as she is just going to waste away with unfulfilled dreams.

And I can't try anymore. I'm 25 years old; I'm going to have to start busying myself about my own life.

It feels like I'm turning my back on her, but in reality it is she who turns her back on me. I've already dragged her to NY. I've spent hours and hours of trying to reason with her; and she even agrees with me in our discussion! But when it comes down to actually doing anything...no dice.

WHY CAN'T I SAVE HER??!!
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