New Year
I just noticed it's dark outside... I think it's been dark for about an hour...
I hate long breaks from school because all that happens is that I get bored and apprehensive and lazy is school is that much harder afterwards, but then I would probably die without that chance to sleep. Anyway, not much happened, except that Ty, Erik (he is no longer Weiben because he cut his hair, plus my cell does not recognize "weiben" or "weibs" as a word), and I hung out quite a bit, but that mostly consists of discussion/enactment of their relationship and sometimes our communal relationship, if I wasn't an empath I'd hate it, but since I share their happiness when they are near, I consider it a privilege. The holidays sucked because mom's losing her job and I still can't believe I'm not 13 anymore, not just that it's not Halloween anymore... I need to start posting these more often because I may be able to keep up with time. But honestly, I don't feel like I'm caught up... in heartbeats, in breaths, in sleep, in thoughts, in school, in relationships, in life. It feels absurd, because I don't know where I should be, but I'm not there, maybe it's just guilt about being behind in school... I'll be fine though, there's no way around that. Ty also told me something important about our friendship that put things in perspective, like why he acts like an asshole sometimes (a very lovable, irresistible asshole, but undeniable an asshole) and why our friendship is similar to the ones in middle school... but he's different from them, but he's survived as real a hell as Kyra and perhaps of all my friends they are the most alike, except that they manifest very differently and probably wouldn't even like each other if they met. But either way, if I leave Utah, I would leave him, and I have to leave Utah (maybe not this year, but soon) and I want to keep him but he needs to keep Utah at least a few years more. Maybe if he and Erik stay together, Erik will be able to pull him out, but not soon or else Ty's past would likely repeat. But either way, I have to leave him, at least for a few years, we may end up in the same place again, it happens, but now if we get closer, that's how much more it will hurt when we separate, and he's witnessed what's become of my relationship with Maryland.
Anyway, enough of that thought. I've been sad a lot lately, because every time I try to get to the core of myself I only find sadness, even when I'm blissful. Perhaps that is why I'm having a hard time keeping my bodily functions like hunger and sleep in order. Well, I might be wrong, perhaps the sadness isn't my core, simply a clump of myself, and I might be wrong... I've always assumed that sadness was the only legitimate emotion within myself, I don't know why, but everything else feels like a mask, something caused by a drug and not by myself. I'm starting to think I might be wrong, that I've been sad so long I don't know how to let go, but I doubt that too. I feel like I need to figure this out by myself, that other people would interfere with my self-discovery, but at the same time, I can't stand the loneliness. I want to be in love but not be dependent, to have friends but still be able to think for myself. I want to be selfish, I want to be concerned about my self. I don't even dare pray for happiness! I told the gods to put me through hell so that I would learn, and maybe this is what they are trying to teach me: not to ask for stupid things. I keep hearing stories about how people ask for great things and get bad things because of it, because their hopes were too high, so I though I would outsmart them and ask for sadness and gain happiness, and I got sadness. I'm learning to get happiness, but it's very difficult. I asked for that too. So what do I ask for now? Knowing that it will not happen until I no longer want it. I could ask for happiness, but that would probably get me so high I would quit school, maybe for true happiness? Why is it that everything we ask for gets so twisted by the time we get it, and why is it we always get it? if someone asks for happiness, it's tained, if they ask for love, it ruins everything else, if they ask for money, they lose friends, if they ask for friends, they lose stability, if they ask for sex, they get raped, and sometimes they get raped even if they didn't ask. Should we just stop asking? Then our lives turn to chaos, without direction. Maybe we should ask for carefully planned specifics? But those will likely get twisted even worse...
(enough of that...)
My American problems class is having the totalitarian simulation right now... I can't say much about it right now because the rules of the class apply even outside of it, I will say that I am honestly enjoying it. Art class is going well, but the paint is getting EVERYWHERE and it's bugging the hell out of me, I ruined two shirts this weak, and maybe a pair of pants, and the back of my car is striped because of the edges of my paintings, which are gorgeous by the way, I'll make sure to take pictures of them and show you all sometime. English is ok, the teacher is good to us considering how hard the class is. My physics teacher is unnecessarily cruel but I suppose he has good intentions (to get us to think for ourselves). It was interesting that he told me that if he was as smart as I am he'd have his PHD by now, but I'm too smart to slow down and pay attention to what I'm doing and that's why I don't do so well (and because I'm overstressed by school and work... all my teachers say I should quit my job but mom's losing her job and if I don't keep it I won't be able to pay for the AP tests and application fees while she find a new one, ok, it's not that bad, but I think the luxury of being able to pay for my things is worth it, plus it makes me feel like I'm doing something). My math teacher is too smart: she's done drugs has her masters and is twice divorced and loves it, and I'm not used to teachers being able to see through me, but it's not bad. She's the real kind of person I like in fiction but it's weird meeting them in real life out of my own generation.
Why I'm glad I'm an empath^ otherwise, I'd be jealous.
I would also like to think that I'm starting to understand Weiben, the way his mind works, although he isn't very hard to play with when Ty's around... it bugs me that it seems that the fact that I'm female is revolting to him, because my empath-ness echo's his feeling and I do not like not liking my body (my own reasons for disliking it are not normally gender-based and have been dwindling recently). But I'm also starting to understand why he's so social and yet not entirely friendly, part of which I blame on his parents, and I hope Tyson does him some long-term good (there has been a lot of short-term good).
I hate long breaks from school because all that happens is that I get bored and apprehensive and lazy is school is that much harder afterwards, but then I would probably die without that chance to sleep. Anyway, not much happened, except that Ty, Erik (he is no longer Weiben because he cut his hair, plus my cell does not recognize "weiben" or "weibs" as a word), and I hung out quite a bit, but that mostly consists of discussion/enactment of their relationship and sometimes our communal relationship, if I wasn't an empath I'd hate it, but since I share their happiness when they are near, I consider it a privilege. The holidays sucked because mom's losing her job and I still can't believe I'm not 13 anymore, not just that it's not Halloween anymore... I need to start posting these more often because I may be able to keep up with time. But honestly, I don't feel like I'm caught up... in heartbeats, in breaths, in sleep, in thoughts, in school, in relationships, in life. It feels absurd, because I don't know where I should be, but I'm not there, maybe it's just guilt about being behind in school... I'll be fine though, there's no way around that. Ty also told me something important about our friendship that put things in perspective, like why he acts like an asshole sometimes (a very lovable, irresistible asshole, but undeniable an asshole) and why our friendship is similar to the ones in middle school... but he's different from them, but he's survived as real a hell as Kyra and perhaps of all my friends they are the most alike, except that they manifest very differently and probably wouldn't even like each other if they met. But either way, if I leave Utah, I would leave him, and I have to leave Utah (maybe not this year, but soon) and I want to keep him but he needs to keep Utah at least a few years more. Maybe if he and Erik stay together, Erik will be able to pull him out, but not soon or else Ty's past would likely repeat. But either way, I have to leave him, at least for a few years, we may end up in the same place again, it happens, but now if we get closer, that's how much more it will hurt when we separate, and he's witnessed what's become of my relationship with Maryland.
Anyway, enough of that thought. I've been sad a lot lately, because every time I try to get to the core of myself I only find sadness, even when I'm blissful. Perhaps that is why I'm having a hard time keeping my bodily functions like hunger and sleep in order. Well, I might be wrong, perhaps the sadness isn't my core, simply a clump of myself, and I might be wrong... I've always assumed that sadness was the only legitimate emotion within myself, I don't know why, but everything else feels like a mask, something caused by a drug and not by myself. I'm starting to think I might be wrong, that I've been sad so long I don't know how to let go, but I doubt that too. I feel like I need to figure this out by myself, that other people would interfere with my self-discovery, but at the same time, I can't stand the loneliness. I want to be in love but not be dependent, to have friends but still be able to think for myself. I want to be selfish, I want to be concerned about my self. I don't even dare pray for happiness! I told the gods to put me through hell so that I would learn, and maybe this is what they are trying to teach me: not to ask for stupid things. I keep hearing stories about how people ask for great things and get bad things because of it, because their hopes were too high, so I though I would outsmart them and ask for sadness and gain happiness, and I got sadness. I'm learning to get happiness, but it's very difficult. I asked for that too. So what do I ask for now? Knowing that it will not happen until I no longer want it. I could ask for happiness, but that would probably get me so high I would quit school, maybe for true happiness? Why is it that everything we ask for gets so twisted by the time we get it, and why is it we always get it? if someone asks for happiness, it's tained, if they ask for love, it ruins everything else, if they ask for money, they lose friends, if they ask for friends, they lose stability, if they ask for sex, they get raped, and sometimes they get raped even if they didn't ask. Should we just stop asking? Then our lives turn to chaos, without direction. Maybe we should ask for carefully planned specifics? But those will likely get twisted even worse...
(enough of that...)
My American problems class is having the totalitarian simulation right now... I can't say much about it right now because the rules of the class apply even outside of it, I will say that I am honestly enjoying it. Art class is going well, but the paint is getting EVERYWHERE and it's bugging the hell out of me, I ruined two shirts this weak, and maybe a pair of pants, and the back of my car is striped because of the edges of my paintings, which are gorgeous by the way, I'll make sure to take pictures of them and show you all sometime. English is ok, the teacher is good to us considering how hard the class is. My physics teacher is unnecessarily cruel but I suppose he has good intentions (to get us to think for ourselves). It was interesting that he told me that if he was as smart as I am he'd have his PHD by now, but I'm too smart to slow down and pay attention to what I'm doing and that's why I don't do so well (and because I'm overstressed by school and work... all my teachers say I should quit my job but mom's losing her job and if I don't keep it I won't be able to pay for the AP tests and application fees while she find a new one, ok, it's not that bad, but I think the luxury of being able to pay for my things is worth it, plus it makes me feel like I'm doing something). My math teacher is too smart: she's done drugs has her masters and is twice divorced and loves it, and I'm not used to teachers being able to see through me, but it's not bad. She's the real kind of person I like in fiction but it's weird meeting them in real life out of my own generation.
Why I'm glad I'm an empath^ otherwise, I'd be jealous.
I would also like to think that I'm starting to understand Weiben, the way his mind works, although he isn't very hard to play with when Ty's around... it bugs me that it seems that the fact that I'm female is revolting to him, because my empath-ness echo's his feeling and I do not like not liking my body (my own reasons for disliking it are not normally gender-based and have been dwindling recently). But I'm also starting to understand why he's so social and yet not entirely friendly, part of which I blame on his parents, and I hope Tyson does him some long-term good (there has been a lot of short-term good).