Another dry spell ends...
Ok, heh, it's been a while...
snippet I wrote last weekend:
Well, what have I been doing lately? Mostly living at the bookstore (I've started reading Feshugi Ugi and Loveless and other things) and reading an actual book for once: Singing the Four Quarters (it's good for my head).
Other then that...
I slept over at Morgan's house wed-thurs: First, we watched some Ayashi no Ceres, but I realized that I quickly lose respect for manga after I watch the anime version (unless it's in movie form and quick), because in the manga, you can just skim over the boring parts, but it anime, it's harder to do so without breaking the DVD player, unless the anime is VERY well done) then we ate dinner (I found out I like fried tofu! ok, tolerate is a better word) and then walked down to the park I found out about shortly before Aiden moved away and got ice cream (another revelation, Russian-type ice-cream is called "custard" does anyone know what the difference is, because it does taste different and I don't seem to have any kind of lactose-intolerance reaction to the custard). On the way back, we kidnapped mar's friend, Anna, right out of her house and... I don't really remember, but we ended up in a pile on Mariyama's bed. It really made me think about how I was almost 18 and these two were only in middle school, but we managed to understand each other. I've always enjoyed having "older" friends and I felt like being the "older" friend for once, (Morgan's mind works like she's my age anyway). It's strange though, being almost 18, still feeling 13... it's like I've been absent for so long, and I have, in a desert, how can I be expected to... become who I have indeed become, but may not admit until I absolutely have to. There is no return to the past, I want to badly, but I can't, never again. I will have to find happiness in the uncertain future, for the past is only secure because it has already happened and cannot have happened in any other way, no matter how much I day dream. And I will not live their lives instead of my own... I spend all my time reading books and mangas and watching movies, living their lives, feeling their anguishes and conquests in my mind as if they were my own, but no... I really do have to start living my own life... eventually.
...
I don't remember much now (so there is a reason I write these blogs: my memory is terrible!)...
Anyway, some thoughts...
1. My memory is really, really terrible. It's been bugging me for a while, actually. I don't remember my own past almost at all, and everything I think I remember, I have serious doubts about. It makes me jealous that people can remember what they wore on 9/11, when I barely remember what I wore yesterday... it's strange, for a perfectionist student like me, to actually seriously suck at memorization. I barely remember European history even though I got a 5 on that AP test, and now, I'm starting to forget US history too, and I can't even hope to remember anything from French class.
2. If I get into Ivy-league (possible... slightly possible), I'm going to feel like the dumbest person there. I hardly read anything besides manga and teen fantasy in my spare time, I don't ever study... I want to be in this elitist world, but I've been watching movies and watching kids study for the SAT's and etc, and I really don't know if I have it in me, but maybe I'm a genius (one's who's memory is utterly useless)
3. packing makes me cry. My dad is moving and I decided to come help him pack, but I soon got to depressed to be of any help and then I actually started to cry and had to go for a walk to calm myself. I remembered that even packing to go to MD made me cry. This is really bugging me... just seeing the cardboard boxes in my dad's living room makes me sad, not because he's leaving, but because it reminds me of moving to Utah so much. It's not even that I hate Utah, I do sort of, but not entirely. It's because of what I had to give up to get there, my life was finally becoming what I wanted it to be, and life denies it to me, and I'll never have a chance to go to that high school, to have that perfect college resume. Who knows, maybe college will be a thousand times better then RMHS could have been, but people keep talking about how wonderful their high school days were, how it was the best time of their life... and I won't ever have that.... that's what makes me cry. (because middle school still feels like the highlight of my life) or maybe next year will be heaven, but not likely.
4. I feel like I'm relationship-retarded. If you read my blogs, you probably noticed I think about it maybe a little too much. It's because being in love gives one a reason to exist and I'm always searching for that. It's also because having a love is very amusing, so I keep wanting to date like "everyone else"... but I don't, because I do not like the average person, or even the majority of the population, so let's just leave it to I'm lonely, but have "commitment issues" (I don't want to get married or even have an exclusive relationship)
5. Oh, those commitment issues... I'm not sure how I feel towards the pack anymore... I mean, I feel like I want to stay friends with everyone, but I don't like the idea of being tied to them anymore... it's like my new revulsion to marriage. I still don't really know how I feel about this, but it's a little ironic, since I was so desperate to keep us together about two years ago.
6. Being the somewhat-control-freak that I am, I wander if it's reasonable for me to hope to live in a "pack house" after college, and if I really need that giant house I want in my head (it would be lonely)... but hey, things change, maybe I'll learn to deal, or my friends will let me have a little control...
Well, some news:
-dad took me on a tour of UPenn and the surrounding area, I fell in love with it... I want UPenn... (it's ivy-league, but not entirely "I'm better then you")
- I did not go on that beach trip Marion left for on Thursday, reasons: I don't actually like beaches, it's not worth the long drive, dealing with mar's family's money issues is really depressing, mar ignores me all the time anyway, I wanted to comfort Kyra who can't go because she's sick, I don't like the heat in North Carolina, I don't want to get sun burnt, to see how I deal without mar, to have time to think, I wasn't willing to give up the internet for any length of time, to go to aspen's dad's party, to go to a theme park without making the rest of them feel left out.
-Aspen's party was fun, and dramatic, and I don't get hangovers (yey!), and I ate WAY too much pizza, and I really get along with aspen's mom, though I didn't get to talk to aspen much (I should go when it's not so crowded ^_^)
oh, and I suck at keeping summer resolutions (I haven't written or drawn anything in weeks), though I have read shelves-full of manga.
snippet I wrote last weekend:
Well, what have I been doing lately? Mostly living at the bookstore (I've started reading Feshugi Ugi and Loveless and other things) and reading an actual book for once: Singing the Four Quarters (it's good for my head).
Other then that...
I slept over at Morgan's house wed-thurs: First, we watched some Ayashi no Ceres, but I realized that I quickly lose respect for manga after I watch the anime version (unless it's in movie form and quick), because in the manga, you can just skim over the boring parts, but it anime, it's harder to do so without breaking the DVD player, unless the anime is VERY well done) then we ate dinner (I found out I like fried tofu! ok, tolerate is a better word) and then walked down to the park I found out about shortly before Aiden moved away and got ice cream (another revelation, Russian-type ice-cream is called "custard" does anyone know what the difference is, because it does taste different and I don't seem to have any kind of lactose-intolerance reaction to the custard). On the way back, we kidnapped mar's friend, Anna, right out of her house and... I don't really remember, but we ended up in a pile on Mariyama's bed. It really made me think about how I was almost 18 and these two were only in middle school, but we managed to understand each other. I've always enjoyed having "older" friends and I felt like being the "older" friend for once, (Morgan's mind works like she's my age anyway). It's strange though, being almost 18, still feeling 13... it's like I've been absent for so long, and I have, in a desert, how can I be expected to... become who I have indeed become, but may not admit until I absolutely have to. There is no return to the past, I want to badly, but I can't, never again. I will have to find happiness in the uncertain future, for the past is only secure because it has already happened and cannot have happened in any other way, no matter how much I day dream. And I will not live their lives instead of my own... I spend all my time reading books and mangas and watching movies, living their lives, feeling their anguishes and conquests in my mind as if they were my own, but no... I really do have to start living my own life... eventually.
...
I don't remember much now (so there is a reason I write these blogs: my memory is terrible!)...
Anyway, some thoughts...
1. My memory is really, really terrible. It's been bugging me for a while, actually. I don't remember my own past almost at all, and everything I think I remember, I have serious doubts about. It makes me jealous that people can remember what they wore on 9/11, when I barely remember what I wore yesterday... it's strange, for a perfectionist student like me, to actually seriously suck at memorization. I barely remember European history even though I got a 5 on that AP test, and now, I'm starting to forget US history too, and I can't even hope to remember anything from French class.
2. If I get into Ivy-league (possible... slightly possible), I'm going to feel like the dumbest person there. I hardly read anything besides manga and teen fantasy in my spare time, I don't ever study... I want to be in this elitist world, but I've been watching movies and watching kids study for the SAT's and etc, and I really don't know if I have it in me, but maybe I'm a genius (one's who's memory is utterly useless)
3. packing makes me cry. My dad is moving and I decided to come help him pack, but I soon got to depressed to be of any help and then I actually started to cry and had to go for a walk to calm myself. I remembered that even packing to go to MD made me cry. This is really bugging me... just seeing the cardboard boxes in my dad's living room makes me sad, not because he's leaving, but because it reminds me of moving to Utah so much. It's not even that I hate Utah, I do sort of, but not entirely. It's because of what I had to give up to get there, my life was finally becoming what I wanted it to be, and life denies it to me, and I'll never have a chance to go to that high school, to have that perfect college resume. Who knows, maybe college will be a thousand times better then RMHS could have been, but people keep talking about how wonderful their high school days were, how it was the best time of their life... and I won't ever have that.... that's what makes me cry. (because middle school still feels like the highlight of my life) or maybe next year will be heaven, but not likely.
4. I feel like I'm relationship-retarded. If you read my blogs, you probably noticed I think about it maybe a little too much. It's because being in love gives one a reason to exist and I'm always searching for that. It's also because having a love is very amusing, so I keep wanting to date like "everyone else"... but I don't, because I do not like the average person, or even the majority of the population, so let's just leave it to I'm lonely, but have "commitment issues" (I don't want to get married or even have an exclusive relationship)
5. Oh, those commitment issues... I'm not sure how I feel towards the pack anymore... I mean, I feel like I want to stay friends with everyone, but I don't like the idea of being tied to them anymore... it's like my new revulsion to marriage. I still don't really know how I feel about this, but it's a little ironic, since I was so desperate to keep us together about two years ago.
6. Being the somewhat-control-freak that I am, I wander if it's reasonable for me to hope to live in a "pack house" after college, and if I really need that giant house I want in my head (it would be lonely)... but hey, things change, maybe I'll learn to deal, or my friends will let me have a little control...
Well, some news:
-dad took me on a tour of UPenn and the surrounding area, I fell in love with it... I want UPenn... (it's ivy-league, but not entirely "I'm better then you")
- I did not go on that beach trip Marion left for on Thursday, reasons: I don't actually like beaches, it's not worth the long drive, dealing with mar's family's money issues is really depressing, mar ignores me all the time anyway, I wanted to comfort Kyra who can't go because she's sick, I don't like the heat in North Carolina, I don't want to get sun burnt, to see how I deal without mar, to have time to think, I wasn't willing to give up the internet for any length of time, to go to aspen's dad's party, to go to a theme park without making the rest of them feel left out.
-Aspen's party was fun, and dramatic, and I don't get hangovers (yey!), and I ate WAY too much pizza, and I really get along with aspen's mom, though I didn't get to talk to aspen much (I should go when it's not so crowded ^_^)
oh, and I suck at keeping summer resolutions (I haven't written or drawn anything in weeks), though I have read shelves-full of manga.