"Bingo" Chapter One - Part I -

[el_kitano]

Title: Bingo
Chapter: One: Part I
Author: El Kitano
Rating: R for ninja language and ninja violence
Summary: In the time directly following the Uchiha massacre, an ANBU team consisting of Kakashi, Gai, and Tenzou is deployed to search for the missing-nin Itachi Uchiha. Unknown to all but a select few, the mission is really a sham in order to provide

Comments

[wind_hover]

Preliminary comments:

"Tenzō tensed as a chakra-source which before had been non-existent suddenly made its presence known directly behind him. A raspy voice tickled the hairs on the back of his neck. “Yeah, Lord Hokage?”"

I think "which had previously been non-existent" works better than "which before had been non-existent". But you might like it better the other way!

"the inkpot trembled upon the desk with the force of his slamming fist."
...why's the Hokage so worked up? It doesn't gel with his laid-back attitude both earlier and later in the chapter.

So, Yamanaka Inoichi takes over as ANBU commander? And Shikaku lets him? No warnings, like subtle hints of what the council is up to?

I still don't get this bit, because in the prologue, he's the only ANBU commander (Sarutobi: "we are going to send our very own ANBU commander and three of our best after Itachi.:), and in chapter one, he's one out of many ("You’re an ANBU commander, for heaven’s sake")?

Wood jutsu: it's a bloodline, isn't it, that only the First Hokage has? Thought to have gone extinct? Only found in the Senju line, with the only Senju left being Tsunade? Since Tenzo is not blond nor female, it's obvious he's probably not Tsunade. (It won't be a henge since he came in with Shikaku, and Shikaku probably won't treat Tsunade like that.) Why would Shikamaru jump to the conclusion that Tenzo does wood that easily?

Note on Shikamaru;s speech: Not just code-name, but mask.

Another note on Shikamaru: he is so cool. I love his speech, and Tenzo is wonderfully dorky. And I love his last line:             “I’m not hungry. This is troublesome. You’re troublesome.”

Teenage rebellion: hitting a couple years too early. Lucky Shikaku.

Note on calling Shikamaru an adolescent: someone who is a teenage. iIf Shikamaru is 7/8, he's not an adolescent, and not a pre-adolescent either. I think you're looking for "child", although that doesn't fit either.

Tenzo should have stolen Shikamaru's dinner. It'll please all involved. :)

Overall note on first part: I like the dialogue, especially how practically everyone dismisses Tenzo (Shikaku sweeps him aside with a pinky, Shikamaru disses him, the deer... pokes him). I suppose Tenzo is the figure on the cover art this time?

Anyway, onward to part two!

[el_kitano]

Another page critique! When Shikamaru asked if he used wood-jutsu, he's was being a sarcastic little dill-weed.

I think that in the show, the Third went through mood-swings. He'd be calm most of the time, but then something random (usually Naruto) would set him off.

Tenzo will get an opportunity to prove himself!

I have to remember to save all your comments for when I'm editing >.