(no subject)
First day back at uni.
You know when you do something in life very different from your everyday routine and then afterwards it doesn't feel real, like you dreamt the whole thing. I'm feeling that about Australia right now, because my uni life is such a different world from my mini-life there.
It's really hit me hard, especially with having to do some major revision cramming the next week or two. Obviously it's great seeing everyone again, but I feel a bit alienated, like I can't ever completely go back to how it was before the holidays, because I loved being in Sydney so much.
I feel like half a person and that there's this constant empty space with me where Sam should be. And I'm going to have to cope with feeling like this for the next six months, maybe 5 at a push until I see him again when he comes to England.
Hopefully I'll get more into the swing of uni things after exams, so I'll have more of a distraction so my time away from him is more bearable and time heals anyway - right now it's bound to feel more raw as we've only been apart 2 days.
Talking to him on the phone feels a lot easier than it did after camp and because of how well and seriously we felt for each other when I was there, we're going to be much better at keeping in contact - phoning and using skype more rather than just msn.
As I expected - things went amazingly in Sydney in terms of me loving the city, hanging out with his friends and family and of course my relationship with Sam.
We finally both told each other "i love you" and things really stepped up to the next level. Where we are with each other is that great place - where you're still so besotted with each other and passionate about being a couple, together with the extra intimacy you get as you get to know someone better - feeling completely at ease with someone and feeling so comfortable you no longer have to worry about impressing them etc. It really felt like we were a long-term couple living in a flat with each other, like the kind of stage you get to when you move in with someone and look to the future together after maybe a year or something. The stage where you can read each other's thoughts, you know each other's faults and quirks and little daily rituals, you start doing more domestic rather than datey things. You no longer have to ask a) if they can do something for you - already pre-empted e.g. drink brought to you in bed or switches to a certain programme on tv cos he knows you love it or b) if you can do a particular activity that day e.g. activity suggested to you or indeed already booked because knowing your personality more he thinks you'll enjoy it, like going to the blue mountains because he knows my love of nature and walks etc. Rather than having to talk lots about each other when you're first getting to know someone, it's more about just being with someone, the extra intimacy and sharing the everyday, sometimes monotonous things together.
Rather than suffering in silence when he acts like an idiot or annoys you in some way and vice versa, you can express it without coming across as nagging or taking it personally. Then you start to pre-empt it because you know doing that certain something doesn't go down well with the other person and you see how it comes across from the other person's view. You make mistakes, but you learn from them and help each other along the way, which is what's so wonderful about two people both being in their first serious, long-term relationship together, teaching and learning all the time.
Some people hate getting to that domestic stage in a relationship but I love it - it's more real and beautiful than the first dating excitement. It's those little things which really make relationships I think.
The hardest part of being away from him is at night when I get into bed. I no longer have the distractions of the day to get me through - it's just me, my mind and my memories. I remember when I first started sharing a bed with him, I didn't have a very good sleep because I wasn't used to it and was still aware of a self-conscious invasion almost, him seeing me in a far less than attractive sleeping shot with my mouth open wide, possibly drooling or snoring and i also got distracted just watching him sleeping, thinking how gorgeous he was and pinching myself to make sure it was real, wondering why someone like that was with someone like me.
But now, I feel so completely alone in my single bed. I miss just the warm presence of someone sleeping beside you and the trust that involves. I miss him being the last person I see and talk to at night and the first again in the morning. I miss the simple pleasure of opening my eyes and him looking back at me, a soft smile and "morning, sleeping beauty." I miss the silly pillow talk after waking up when you're both lying there in that lovely calm half-awake state between unconscious sleep and motivating yourself for the day ahead. I miss him so much it's like physical pain. All these things sound like such repetitive cliches when actors say them or when they're lyrics in a song, but when you start feeling them for real yourself, they seem like the most beautiful, original things in the world. You really start to understand what they mean, like a revelation.
"And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." The night before I left and again at the airport, we were both sobbing so much, holding on to each other so tightly as if our lives depended on it. Obviously, so much can happen in 3 years, but if things carry on in the same vein, I can really imagine myself moving to Sydney and living together. I always thought that I could never leave England, that it was a cop-out almost, but I felt so at home in Sydney and his family were great - the dynamics were very similar to that of my family, so it felt like my second home almost immediately.
The last few days we were really talking about the future. One thing that is good about a long-distance relationship is that it forces you to be so much more serioud about the relationship and committed to making it work. I think it's great that after a relatively short space of time, we were openly and honestly talking about us and the possibility of us living together, marrying and even having kids without either of us getting scared about the prospect. In fact I was even more pleasantly surprised as in a lot of situations he was the one who brought about the subject, as it tends to be the woman who does and the man getting intimidated by the commitment involved. He was so open and mature about it, it was great. I think the fact that his parents got together and started a family very young has really influenced him and made him much more open to it than the average guy or girl our age.
So yeh, to summarise, lots of raw emotion, but lots of hope for our future, too. I'll put up pictures when they're developed and tell you about the actual stuff I did while I was over there, too. And yes Gren, in answer to your question, that is a picture of Sam.
You know when you do something in life very different from your everyday routine and then afterwards it doesn't feel real, like you dreamt the whole thing. I'm feeling that about Australia right now, because my uni life is such a different world from my mini-life there.
It's really hit me hard, especially with having to do some major revision cramming the next week or two. Obviously it's great seeing everyone again, but I feel a bit alienated, like I can't ever completely go back to how it was before the holidays, because I loved being in Sydney so much.
I feel like half a person and that there's this constant empty space with me where Sam should be. And I'm going to have to cope with feeling like this for the next six months, maybe 5 at a push until I see him again when he comes to England.
Hopefully I'll get more into the swing of uni things after exams, so I'll have more of a distraction so my time away from him is more bearable and time heals anyway - right now it's bound to feel more raw as we've only been apart 2 days.
Talking to him on the phone feels a lot easier than it did after camp and because of how well and seriously we felt for each other when I was there, we're going to be much better at keeping in contact - phoning and using skype more rather than just msn.
As I expected - things went amazingly in Sydney in terms of me loving the city, hanging out with his friends and family and of course my relationship with Sam.
We finally both told each other "i love you" and things really stepped up to the next level. Where we are with each other is that great place - where you're still so besotted with each other and passionate about being a couple, together with the extra intimacy you get as you get to know someone better - feeling completely at ease with someone and feeling so comfortable you no longer have to worry about impressing them etc. It really felt like we were a long-term couple living in a flat with each other, like the kind of stage you get to when you move in with someone and look to the future together after maybe a year or something. The stage where you can read each other's thoughts, you know each other's faults and quirks and little daily rituals, you start doing more domestic rather than datey things. You no longer have to ask a) if they can do something for you - already pre-empted e.g. drink brought to you in bed or switches to a certain programme on tv cos he knows you love it or b) if you can do a particular activity that day e.g. activity suggested to you or indeed already booked because knowing your personality more he thinks you'll enjoy it, like going to the blue mountains because he knows my love of nature and walks etc. Rather than having to talk lots about each other when you're first getting to know someone, it's more about just being with someone, the extra intimacy and sharing the everyday, sometimes monotonous things together.
Rather than suffering in silence when he acts like an idiot or annoys you in some way and vice versa, you can express it without coming across as nagging or taking it personally. Then you start to pre-empt it because you know doing that certain something doesn't go down well with the other person and you see how it comes across from the other person's view. You make mistakes, but you learn from them and help each other along the way, which is what's so wonderful about two people both being in their first serious, long-term relationship together, teaching and learning all the time.
Some people hate getting to that domestic stage in a relationship but I love it - it's more real and beautiful than the first dating excitement. It's those little things which really make relationships I think.
The hardest part of being away from him is at night when I get into bed. I no longer have the distractions of the day to get me through - it's just me, my mind and my memories. I remember when I first started sharing a bed with him, I didn't have a very good sleep because I wasn't used to it and was still aware of a self-conscious invasion almost, him seeing me in a far less than attractive sleeping shot with my mouth open wide, possibly drooling or snoring and i also got distracted just watching him sleeping, thinking how gorgeous he was and pinching myself to make sure it was real, wondering why someone like that was with someone like me.
But now, I feel so completely alone in my single bed. I miss just the warm presence of someone sleeping beside you and the trust that involves. I miss him being the last person I see and talk to at night and the first again in the morning. I miss the simple pleasure of opening my eyes and him looking back at me, a soft smile and "morning, sleeping beauty." I miss the silly pillow talk after waking up when you're both lying there in that lovely calm half-awake state between unconscious sleep and motivating yourself for the day ahead. I miss him so much it's like physical pain. All these things sound like such repetitive cliches when actors say them or when they're lyrics in a song, but when you start feeling them for real yourself, they seem like the most beautiful, original things in the world. You really start to understand what they mean, like a revelation.
"And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." The night before I left and again at the airport, we were both sobbing so much, holding on to each other so tightly as if our lives depended on it. Obviously, so much can happen in 3 years, but if things carry on in the same vein, I can really imagine myself moving to Sydney and living together. I always thought that I could never leave England, that it was a cop-out almost, but I felt so at home in Sydney and his family were great - the dynamics were very similar to that of my family, so it felt like my second home almost immediately.
The last few days we were really talking about the future. One thing that is good about a long-distance relationship is that it forces you to be so much more serioud about the relationship and committed to making it work. I think it's great that after a relatively short space of time, we were openly and honestly talking about us and the possibility of us living together, marrying and even having kids without either of us getting scared about the prospect. In fact I was even more pleasantly surprised as in a lot of situations he was the one who brought about the subject, as it tends to be the woman who does and the man getting intimidated by the commitment involved. He was so open and mature about it, it was great. I think the fact that his parents got together and started a family very young has really influenced him and made him much more open to it than the average guy or girl our age.
So yeh, to summarise, lots of raw emotion, but lots of hope for our future, too. I'll put up pictures when they're developed and tell you about the actual stuff I did while I was over there, too. And yes Gren, in answer to your question, that is a picture of Sam.