(no subject)
I haven't been on this forever...
So happy to have found the iphone Ap.
Life is hard lately. Don't know how to catch the world up now but ill try to do it quick.. I got married to the BF from last post, it's been a year & 1/2. Not much good in that time.
Now we are separated going on 3 months.
I don't see anything but divorce ahead.
How did I get here??
Humm..
With this economy he was out of work mostly & my biz took off so I was supporting him- -us- full time.
I bought out my crazy cousin & his wife on the 2-flat & now own the house on my own.
The BF had a house of his own - & moved into the first floor with me, & I got a tenant upstairs & he was renting his house.
A perfect way to save cash for something bigger & better.
Months went by in this shitty economy with no work for him. But he wasn't really trying.
I'd come home after working 2 jobs to see him napping or passed out on the couch surrounded by fast food empty containers & weed. I didn't mind the weed so much- but just like anything it needs to be done in moderation. No moderation here.
Next thing i know he constantly has high quality stuff around but he has no income. And he's constantly high.
Later I learn that his rental property is in foreclosure - so I could see where the money for all of the weed came from.
He was always hot tempered but then things got waaaay worse- abusive. Horrible name calling, and slowly ostricizing (sp?) me from my friends. No gifts.. for any holiday or birthday. No dates or anything special. I'm called inappropriate or a slut if I talk to my guy friends. So I don't. I stop hanging out with everyone. I immerse myself in work. But this was a classic "domestic abuse" case. They name call so much that I eventually build up such a thick skin that I tolerate it. Then they move up the ladder.
I try to talk about retirement & health insurance (both being self employed) & get or future & life in order. I get my head ripped off with yelling & tables flipped over, wine glasses smashed & my artwork ripped from the walls & broken.
Then he graduated from the months of verbal abuse to physical abuse. I never got hit, but I got spit at in the face many times & pushed to the floor repeatedly.
That was enough for me. I kicked him out. And that catches us up to today. Since last week in Nov. I've been alone.
But my biggest concern is my mental state.
How did this happen to me?
How did I let this happen?
How did I let myself get mind fucked like this!?
To lose my friends, & social life & control? I thought I was being a supportive partner.
I dated this person on & off for 8 years. (about 4 yrs total) I thought I knew him. Who is he? Who is this mean person?
I just wanted a future.. a family..
And now I've become this crazy person that is an emotional roller coaster. I'm laughing one minute & crying the next. I think my friends think I'm crazy. I know they do. I over text & over talk & scare people away. Nothing fills the void I have inside.
I'm incredibly lonely & can't seem to look at life independently anymore. Why!? That is so not me !
I miss sleeping next to someone & reaching out & knowing they are there. To smell them & listen to them sleep.
I'm dying for intimacy but can't imagine having it with anyone else. I just want to be with one person. I have no desire to go back into the singles market with all the crazies out there. Geez!
I just want a positive sexy supportive awesome fun person to be with. And I thought I had that & then he changed.
I know I can never go back to how it was because it was so horrible. But I still miss the good in him- the good in him that i had never found in anyone else. But the changes I would require to continue on are not something I can ever see him achieveing.
So I'm in limbo. Not up not down, east nor west. Happy but miserable. And insanely lonely & needy -which I hate.
What is the cure for this? Is there a happy pill?
Before getting back with my hubby & all this drama my X that I dated for a year died. 4 yr Anniversary of his death next month.
How can I look at loving & trusting someone ever again? You either DIE or abuse me.
I just want to be supported by someone that can carry themselves & me sometimes. I'm sick of being the "guy" that pays for everything- the mortgage, all the bills, etc.
I want a family before it's too late & I'm
34 now.
I'm starting to feel like I was meant to be alone & struggling forever.
Boo.
This stage.... Suuuucks. And I don't know how to get out.
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