Sigh.
I realized on my drive home tonight this is going to technically be my first Christmas without Kati. Put a huge damper on the rest of the year.
I swear it. I would give up everything that I have now, everything I've done, everything I do, everything I've become... just everything for one more "I love you" from Kati. I feel like I'm missing a part of myself again and it's taken all this year to realize it.
Nothing I've used to fill the void that was left by losing her will ever make me feel as whole as I do when I have her. Nothing fills that space in me like hearing "I love you" like I used to. Nothing makes me as happy, makes me smile as much or is even worth fighting for as much as she is. Because I have never ever stopped loving her with everything inside of me. I've tried moving on and I can't do it because I'm just not... ready to. I'm still... I still have hope. The romantic in me... the lover in me still has hope.
I'm going to do everything I can... I don't know what I can do.
I just know that my life isn't the same without her as it is with her.
This year has caught up with me and I've aged so much because of it. I feel too old. I can't keep doing what I've been doing. I don't have it in me. I want my old life back. I want my old life back. I want to go back to being the nerdy weird writer music loving person I was... With Kati. And an uncertain future but a certainty of one of the most important things int he world and that was love. And happiness. And a relationship. Last summer was my most amazing summer ever. I was never as happy as I was last summer...
It was hard that day but Carolyn's birthday party last summer was one of my most... fun and amazing times ever. Sitting there laughing and talking and joking with Kati and some of Carolyn's friends. Kati and her side splitting humor... making Dale like cough and choke on his cigarette smoke.
And then Cyn's. It was good to have her there. I remember sitting out back with her and just talking. We talked so much then. I had the fight in me to do anything. And I've been struggling to fight so much.. I have...
But the fight isn't as worth it anymore as it used to be.
i don't wanna live without you
When you truly love somebody... which I truly loved her. That much I know. It's never easy to move on... to move forward... to cope... to handle... to deal... I continue to cry a river of tears over this. I continue to cry over her. I continue to want and miss and love her.
I miss talking to her so much. I miss talking to her more than I ... I miss talking to her as much as I miss my father. It's probably level or at least a close second to how much I miss my father. And my daddy is the number one thing I miss most in my entire fucking life. I've never cried over anyone as much as I've cried over Kati and my dad. I continue to cry.
say you'll haunt me...
I hope no one expects me to be happy tomorrow... I have to be up early to face people and I don't think there's really anything between them and me breaking down and crying. I'd give anything to see her again... God it's been so long since I've even heard her voice, really. I still remember the way she sounded when she said things and how she said them and the faces she would make... I haven't seen her in over a year.
I miss her so fucking much.
I swear it. I would give up everything that I have now, everything I've done, everything I do, everything I've become... just everything for one more "I love you" from Kati. I feel like I'm missing a part of myself again and it's taken all this year to realize it.
Nothing I've used to fill the void that was left by losing her will ever make me feel as whole as I do when I have her. Nothing fills that space in me like hearing "I love you" like I used to. Nothing makes me as happy, makes me smile as much or is even worth fighting for as much as she is. Because I have never ever stopped loving her with everything inside of me. I've tried moving on and I can't do it because I'm just not... ready to. I'm still... I still have hope. The romantic in me... the lover in me still has hope.
I'm going to do everything I can... I don't know what I can do.
I just know that my life isn't the same without her as it is with her.
This year has caught up with me and I've aged so much because of it. I feel too old. I can't keep doing what I've been doing. I don't have it in me. I want my old life back. I want my old life back. I want to go back to being the nerdy weird writer music loving person I was... With Kati. And an uncertain future but a certainty of one of the most important things int he world and that was love. And happiness. And a relationship. Last summer was my most amazing summer ever. I was never as happy as I was last summer...
It was hard that day but Carolyn's birthday party last summer was one of my most... fun and amazing times ever. Sitting there laughing and talking and joking with Kati and some of Carolyn's friends. Kati and her side splitting humor... making Dale like cough and choke on his cigarette smoke.
And then Cyn's. It was good to have her there. I remember sitting out back with her and just talking. We talked so much then. I had the fight in me to do anything. And I've been struggling to fight so much.. I have...
But the fight isn't as worth it anymore as it used to be.
i don't wanna live without you
When you truly love somebody... which I truly loved her. That much I know. It's never easy to move on... to move forward... to cope... to handle... to deal... I continue to cry a river of tears over this. I continue to cry over her. I continue to want and miss and love her.
I miss talking to her so much. I miss talking to her more than I ... I miss talking to her as much as I miss my father. It's probably level or at least a close second to how much I miss my father. And my daddy is the number one thing I miss most in my entire fucking life. I've never cried over anyone as much as I've cried over Kati and my dad. I continue to cry.
say you'll haunt me...
I hope no one expects me to be happy tomorrow... I have to be up early to face people and I don't think there's really anything between them and me breaking down and crying. I'd give anything to see her again... God it's been so long since I've even heard her voice, really. I still remember the way she sounded when she said things and how she said them and the faces she would make... I haven't seen her in over a year.
I miss her so fucking much.