(no subject)
My knee sucks, even though I've been exercising lately. I still can't do any sports because I'm afraid of screwing it up again. Seems like no one knows how it feels to not be able to do something you love and have been passionate about your whole life. It fuckin sucks. You go to the club and you can't even dance the whole time because your fuckin knee can't take it. All because I went after that 50-50 ball against that goalie. And none of my friends are home anymore. All of them moved away to school. And it's hard to make new friends when you don't live on campus. You go to school then go to work and then go home. You don't have that much time. Plus, when the friends that you do make are fuckin dicks to you, it doesn't fuckin help. People just wanting to get in your pants and call you a fuckin whore...oh believe me...it's wonderful. Yea...my life is so great right now...So great that I have to go to fuckin counseling in order to find out what's wrong with me when I know why I got so fucked up in the first place. When you have guys screwing you over, your knee sucks, friends moving away...I think you'd get pretty fucked up. When those closest to you turn around and screw you over, you wonder why you even try anymore. You wonder why you even waste your time with people. Then you realize that you waste your time on these fags because you don't have anything else you can rely on. You get attached too quickly because you've been screwed over so many times that when something that makes you feel special comes along, you don't want to let it go. You're so used to getting fucked over, that you will hold onto that feeling as long as you can. You don't want to let that go because for that time, that person walked in when everyone else walked out...that person was there for you at your lowest times when everyone just left you because you weren't like everyone else. That person accepted you at that low time and thought you were beautiful and did all they could for you. Why would you ever want to give that up? You wouldn't...and that's why you hold onto it for so long.
Then you look around and you see others so happy w/ their significant others and you wonder why you get all the assholes. What did you do to deserve this? And you continue to ask yourself this question until you're sick of hearing it. That's whne you break down. You don't know what to do...you don't know what to think...until you once again find someone that makes you feel special...makes you feel different...but once again, there is always some factor to fuck things up for you. You want to give up but you can't and you don't know why...but I know why...because I've seen what is out there and I know there's someone out there that will love me for me and accept me even with my flaws. I know that someone out there will love me and reciprocate my feelings. I guess I just gave my prince charming the wrong directions...but he'll come around. It's just the present that is tough to get through when you're under so much stress to be an adult when you still just want to be a teenager. You're forced into this new reality where the world is so demanding of you. Or maybe you're just to demanding of yourself. Then you realize that it is you putting all this pressure on yourself...pressure to be an adult when you're still a teenager, pressure to be responsible all the time when you need time to just go outside and play, pressure to be a woman when you're not quite there yet. You go through this transition where you feel like you've lost your identity. When you feel as if you've become lost in yourself and your confusion of who you are and where you're going...and that's scary. The future is unknown and you want control over it. You don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, next month, or even a year from now. And that's why, even though I'm lost right now, I still have hope for the future...and that's what's getting me through all this stuff I'm going through right now. It's the possibility that's giving me the hope...not the guarantee...the possibility that anything can h appen and that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I'm going through this to realize what I have and realize that life isn't always just a walk in the park and that struggle really defines a persons character.
"If you're ever lying on a beach with 80 billion grains of sand beneath you,
700 thousand ocean waves before,
60 million stars stretched out above you,
and you're still not impressed,
I want you to think of this:
The light you see reflecting from the stars is over one million years old.
Wow.
But then, just before you start to feel like a mere blip
in the gigantic scheme of things, please remember this:
Yes, you are small, but you are also irreplaceable
and invaluable
and miraculous.
Those stars don't have anything on you."
Then you look around and you see others so happy w/ their significant others and you wonder why you get all the assholes. What did you do to deserve this? And you continue to ask yourself this question until you're sick of hearing it. That's whne you break down. You don't know what to do...you don't know what to think...until you once again find someone that makes you feel special...makes you feel different...but once again, there is always some factor to fuck things up for you. You want to give up but you can't and you don't know why...but I know why...because I've seen what is out there and I know there's someone out there that will love me for me and accept me even with my flaws. I know that someone out there will love me and reciprocate my feelings. I guess I just gave my prince charming the wrong directions...but he'll come around. It's just the present that is tough to get through when you're under so much stress to be an adult when you still just want to be a teenager. You're forced into this new reality where the world is so demanding of you. Or maybe you're just to demanding of yourself. Then you realize that it is you putting all this pressure on yourself...pressure to be an adult when you're still a teenager, pressure to be responsible all the time when you need time to just go outside and play, pressure to be a woman when you're not quite there yet. You go through this transition where you feel like you've lost your identity. When you feel as if you've become lost in yourself and your confusion of who you are and where you're going...and that's scary. The future is unknown and you want control over it. You don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, next month, or even a year from now. And that's why, even though I'm lost right now, I still have hope for the future...and that's what's getting me through all this stuff I'm going through right now. It's the possibility that's giving me the hope...not the guarantee...the possibility that anything can h appen and that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I'm going through this to realize what I have and realize that life isn't always just a walk in the park and that struggle really defines a persons character.
"If you're ever lying on a beach with 80 billion grains of sand beneath you,
700 thousand ocean waves before,
60 million stars stretched out above you,
and you're still not impressed,
I want you to think of this:
The light you see reflecting from the stars is over one million years old.
Wow.
But then, just before you start to feel like a mere blip
in the gigantic scheme of things, please remember this:
Yes, you are small, but you are also irreplaceable
and invaluable
and miraculous.
Those stars don't have anything on you."