The day I almost made it through
For all intents and purposes, yesterday was a good day.
I subbed two classes of summer school. The morning kids were a lot of fun, they asked some really interesting questions and volunteered to read, and the four and a half hours flew by.
I had lunch with my friend Bridget and hashed out some current issues we were both having, but nothing too heavy.
I subbed an evening class that kept me on my toes.
I had drinks and dinner with a friend I never see anymore, and I always enjoy talking to him.
So I was heading home at about 10:30 when I looked down at my phone, and saw the date. I realized it was mine and Jon's third wedding anniversary.
And I completely lost it. Started crying, happy cd replaced with the maudlin crap I'd been listening to a few months ago. I was still driving at this point...
I got home and started drinking. And crying more. And then Bridget came over and I stopped crying. I even laughed a little.
But I'm just not sure what I'm so upset about. I'm happy to not be with him anymore. I think it's the idea that three years ago, I thought my life was set. I genuinely believed that this was it for me, and I was happy. I made promises that I couldn't keep and I feel beyond guilty about that. And everyone keeps telling me it's not my fault, that he screwed up. But that can't be the whole truth of it. So I feel guilty because I promised. And, yes, so did he, and yes, he's the one who gave up and claims to have never loved me at all. And he's the one who started dating BEFORE letting me know he didn't want to be married to me anymore. There are a lot of reasons I should feel nothing but relief. But it's actually really sad for me to not be in love with the person I promised to love forever, because I'm not. I remember how it used to be, how much hope I had, what I thought the future was going to be. I remember what he was like before he gave up on himself. I'm not just mourning my marriage, the person I fell in love with at the age of 23 is also gone, and it's all very very sad.
But I need to stop crying over things I cannot change. So I will. And I am incredibly lucky to have an amazing support system. I think I'm done crying over this, I'm done with the regrets and the if only's. This was a speed bump, nothing more :)
I subbed two classes of summer school. The morning kids were a lot of fun, they asked some really interesting questions and volunteered to read, and the four and a half hours flew by.
I had lunch with my friend Bridget and hashed out some current issues we were both having, but nothing too heavy.
I subbed an evening class that kept me on my toes.
I had drinks and dinner with a friend I never see anymore, and I always enjoy talking to him.
So I was heading home at about 10:30 when I looked down at my phone, and saw the date. I realized it was mine and Jon's third wedding anniversary.
And I completely lost it. Started crying, happy cd replaced with the maudlin crap I'd been listening to a few months ago. I was still driving at this point...
I got home and started drinking. And crying more. And then Bridget came over and I stopped crying. I even laughed a little.
But I'm just not sure what I'm so upset about. I'm happy to not be with him anymore. I think it's the idea that three years ago, I thought my life was set. I genuinely believed that this was it for me, and I was happy. I made promises that I couldn't keep and I feel beyond guilty about that. And everyone keeps telling me it's not my fault, that he screwed up. But that can't be the whole truth of it. So I feel guilty because I promised. And, yes, so did he, and yes, he's the one who gave up and claims to have never loved me at all. And he's the one who started dating BEFORE letting me know he didn't want to be married to me anymore. There are a lot of reasons I should feel nothing but relief. But it's actually really sad for me to not be in love with the person I promised to love forever, because I'm not. I remember how it used to be, how much hope I had, what I thought the future was going to be. I remember what he was like before he gave up on himself. I'm not just mourning my marriage, the person I fell in love with at the age of 23 is also gone, and it's all very very sad.
But I need to stop crying over things I cannot change. So I will. And I am incredibly lucky to have an amazing support system. I think I'm done crying over this, I'm done with the regrets and the if only's. This was a speed bump, nothing more :)