just thinking...
Every now and then (very rarely thank God), someone in one of the parenting communities loses a child. Both times I have come across this, I have had physical reactions. The first time, Alex was less than a year old. I picked him up out of his crib and held him while I cried for a good 30 - 40 minutes. Somehow, he slept through it. This time I ran up the stairs to check on him but stopped short of picking him up. I left his room once I heard him breathing.
I am probably going to lose sleep tonight over a woman I don't know losing a child I've never met.
It's insane.
All I can think is that someone else is currently living my worst nightmare. I can live with the fact that I'm going to lose my parents some day (barely). I can deal with maybe outliving some of my friends (but no one is going anywhere for at least 60 years!) I can even accept that I may have to bury Jon someday (though that thought is pretty horrific too). But the very thought of ANYTHING happening to Alex is just something I cannot handle... the hypothetical possibility is just the absolute most terrifying prospect. And when it happens to someone else, I can't avoid that thought. And the fact that it is happening to someone else is almost as bad. Is there such a thing as too much empathy?
I feel really stupid now for thinking I would do anything but destroy my parents if I ever had actually succeeded in my stupid suicide attempts. So stupid. So selfish.
I don't know what my point is. I don't know if I have one. But Jon's at his hockey game and it's 1:30 am in the Eastern Time Zone so I don't really have anyone to talk to.
I'm going to go check on Alex again.
I am probably going to lose sleep tonight over a woman I don't know losing a child I've never met.
It's insane.
All I can think is that someone else is currently living my worst nightmare. I can live with the fact that I'm going to lose my parents some day (barely). I can deal with maybe outliving some of my friends (but no one is going anywhere for at least 60 years!) I can even accept that I may have to bury Jon someday (though that thought is pretty horrific too). But the very thought of ANYTHING happening to Alex is just something I cannot handle... the hypothetical possibility is just the absolute most terrifying prospect. And when it happens to someone else, I can't avoid that thought. And the fact that it is happening to someone else is almost as bad. Is there such a thing as too much empathy?
I feel really stupid now for thinking I would do anything but destroy my parents if I ever had actually succeeded in my stupid suicide attempts. So stupid. So selfish.
I don't know what my point is. I don't know if I have one. But Jon's at his hockey game and it's 1:30 am in the Eastern Time Zone so I don't really have anyone to talk to.
I'm going to go check on Alex again.