(no subject)
well i'm currently sitting in my one-room home, bored out of my mind. i never watched tv...or wanted to, until i didn't have tv anymore. even then, i could just pop a movie on...but now my cat has chewed through my dvd player so i have NO visual stimulation at all. my apartment has reached a new level of messiness, mostly due to my inability to pay for laundry and my complete lack of motivation to do anything productive.
i'm not coming home for christmas, which is okay i guess. i've got another invite from a table i've grown close to so i'm actually looking forward to that quite a lot. but, not being able to afford to come home after a year makes me reconsider living so far. its not that i don't like my independence and freedom and the new experiences, but do i really want to be somewhere i can't see everyone i love but once a year?
maybe my determination to stay out here is a sly way of punishing myself. its certainly making my real friends and i have trouble staying in touch. i feel like we'd pick up where we left off if i came back, but i am also scared to come back and have expectations that i would still have people to hang out with.
my friends here are cool...i've only got a few though. since i quit all star i've slimmed out my friends quite a bit-voluntarily- since most of them weren't good people anyways. and i only see 3 people regularly...its just not enough social interaction for me.
i've been a bit unstable here too, mood wise. its due to numerous factors (quitting birthcontrol, losing my job, seriously seriously struggling for bill money, lack of certain people, etc) but for the most part, i've been consistantly depressed. this whole damn year. there's been times when i've been partying so much i don't have time to think about how i am feeling, and times when friends have visited, but as i thought about it i realized i've been depressed for a full frickin' year. some of that could be due to my heartbreak, which i won't count against florida, but should i really be living somewhere that makes me so unhappy?
of course not, but then i just think, well...i'm not really happy anywhere. and that is uber depressing. i hope i'm not doomed to be unhappy forever. why does nothing satisfy me? what is inherently wrong with ME? i can never seem to complete anything i put my mind to.
i'm just frustrated. and sick of never being enough. and i'm alone to figure all this out.
i'm not coming home for christmas, which is okay i guess. i've got another invite from a table i've grown close to so i'm actually looking forward to that quite a lot. but, not being able to afford to come home after a year makes me reconsider living so far. its not that i don't like my independence and freedom and the new experiences, but do i really want to be somewhere i can't see everyone i love but once a year?
maybe my determination to stay out here is a sly way of punishing myself. its certainly making my real friends and i have trouble staying in touch. i feel like we'd pick up where we left off if i came back, but i am also scared to come back and have expectations that i would still have people to hang out with.
my friends here are cool...i've only got a few though. since i quit all star i've slimmed out my friends quite a bit-voluntarily- since most of them weren't good people anyways. and i only see 3 people regularly...its just not enough social interaction for me.
i've been a bit unstable here too, mood wise. its due to numerous factors (quitting birthcontrol, losing my job, seriously seriously struggling for bill money, lack of certain people, etc) but for the most part, i've been consistantly depressed. this whole damn year. there's been times when i've been partying so much i don't have time to think about how i am feeling, and times when friends have visited, but as i thought about it i realized i've been depressed for a full frickin' year. some of that could be due to my heartbreak, which i won't count against florida, but should i really be living somewhere that makes me so unhappy?
of course not, but then i just think, well...i'm not really happy anywhere. and that is uber depressing. i hope i'm not doomed to be unhappy forever. why does nothing satisfy me? what is inherently wrong with ME? i can never seem to complete anything i put my mind to.
i'm just frustrated. and sick of never being enough. and i'm alone to figure all this out.