(no subject)
I'm not in a good place right now.
I'm not in a bad place either, but it's as if I'm standing under a street lamp, and I can see all those dark places just beyond. I know there are back alleys out there that lead to deep shit. I'm not in them, but the problem is that any step feels like a step closer to one of them.
Maybe every step is always a step towards a dark alley. Maybe that's just how this works.
I remember those times that I lived inside my head. I remember how cold that was and would be.
This time I feel like I might be able to do something else though, something other than slip away. Maybe that's different this time around. Or maybe I always felt a last moment of inertia before I got into trouble and started creeping around the sad, gray corners of my mind. Or maybe I'm just too scared to be confident.
I know I've been scared before. I know that always happens first. I know I've reached out before, and sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't.
But it just feels like I've got a crooked taxi, and it's time to just stop the cab, pay the man, and catch a bus or something. So maybe that's what I should do.
Of course, this is all a little meaningless to anybody who doesn't see me often, and I'm willing to wager most of the people who might read this fit that description. So now a little catching up, I suppose.
--
I moved down to DC in April last year. I started working with Adam as a field canvasser for a grassroots. I was good. I worked hard. I got promoted. I wanted more, so I worked harder and got promoted. I was doing well. I was living with Adam and Vinny on their floor, and then just with Adam and then on my own. I made friends. I bought a car. I worked hard, kept getting promoted. And now I'm a field canvass director. I'm a boss, and that's weird. I haven't really done a good job though of learning to socialize like a normal person. I only just started dating someone in May of this year, and that barely counts considering how little time we've had together... but these are grievances, and I should save those for after the details.
I rent a room in a house with three strangers. We don't talk to each other. They don't really know my name. I keep getting mail slipped under my door for someone named Ted Carmack, and I've lived here more than 8 months. Adam bought a condo and has a girlfriend. I see him at work, but rarely outside that anymore. I quit smoking. Yesterday was 2 full weeks on the patch.
I ran a field canvass practically by myself. It didn't go well. Or at least, it didn't go as we projected... this summer wasn't as good as last summer. I played drums in Rock Band was good. I watched the Giants win the Super Bowl with friends at a cool house that I could hang out at. That place is gone now.
Lately though. Maybe this past month... I've felt my misanthropy growing. I don't like strangers. I don't like my co-workers. I don't like my employees. I don't like my friends. I shirk them at every opportunity, it seems. I blow off their phone calls. I spend most of my time holed up in a too small room with poor climate control staring at a screen. Vinny left town and I didn't say goodbye. Same with other friends I've met down here. One person who I've grown close to wrote me an email detailing how I'd hurt much and how often I'd hurt her this year. I was moved only to change my status on gmail.
I don't think I like myself. That's not necessarily news... I never really like myself. But this past year... I think managed not to dwell on that. And that's where I think I find myself now... on the verge of dwelling on things that can only make me unhappy.
--
I'm not sure if writing here will fix that. I talked to my girlfriend about it a little but that doesn't seem to have helped. I should probably talk about this more. And with more people. But it doesn't seem to come out when I try.
I should tell Adam I'm angry with him. I should tell my girlfriend that we need to have a conversation and figure out what we want from each other or at least what we need. I should tell my mother that it's not going so well right now.
But instead I'm telling the internet... because it's such a good listener.
I'm not in a bad place either, but it's as if I'm standing under a street lamp, and I can see all those dark places just beyond. I know there are back alleys out there that lead to deep shit. I'm not in them, but the problem is that any step feels like a step closer to one of them.
Maybe every step is always a step towards a dark alley. Maybe that's just how this works.
I remember those times that I lived inside my head. I remember how cold that was and would be.
This time I feel like I might be able to do something else though, something other than slip away. Maybe that's different this time around. Or maybe I always felt a last moment of inertia before I got into trouble and started creeping around the sad, gray corners of my mind. Or maybe I'm just too scared to be confident.
I know I've been scared before. I know that always happens first. I know I've reached out before, and sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't.
But it just feels like I've got a crooked taxi, and it's time to just stop the cab, pay the man, and catch a bus or something. So maybe that's what I should do.
Of course, this is all a little meaningless to anybody who doesn't see me often, and I'm willing to wager most of the people who might read this fit that description. So now a little catching up, I suppose.
--
I moved down to DC in April last year. I started working with Adam as a field canvasser for a grassroots. I was good. I worked hard. I got promoted. I wanted more, so I worked harder and got promoted. I was doing well. I was living with Adam and Vinny on their floor, and then just with Adam and then on my own. I made friends. I bought a car. I worked hard, kept getting promoted. And now I'm a field canvass director. I'm a boss, and that's weird. I haven't really done a good job though of learning to socialize like a normal person. I only just started dating someone in May of this year, and that barely counts considering how little time we've had together... but these are grievances, and I should save those for after the details.
I rent a room in a house with three strangers. We don't talk to each other. They don't really know my name. I keep getting mail slipped under my door for someone named Ted Carmack, and I've lived here more than 8 months. Adam bought a condo and has a girlfriend. I see him at work, but rarely outside that anymore. I quit smoking. Yesterday was 2 full weeks on the patch.
I ran a field canvass practically by myself. It didn't go well. Or at least, it didn't go as we projected... this summer wasn't as good as last summer. I played drums in Rock Band was good. I watched the Giants win the Super Bowl with friends at a cool house that I could hang out at. That place is gone now.
Lately though. Maybe this past month... I've felt my misanthropy growing. I don't like strangers. I don't like my co-workers. I don't like my employees. I don't like my friends. I shirk them at every opportunity, it seems. I blow off their phone calls. I spend most of my time holed up in a too small room with poor climate control staring at a screen. Vinny left town and I didn't say goodbye. Same with other friends I've met down here. One person who I've grown close to wrote me an email detailing how I'd hurt much and how often I'd hurt her this year. I was moved only to change my status on gmail.
I don't think I like myself. That's not necessarily news... I never really like myself. But this past year... I think managed not to dwell on that. And that's where I think I find myself now... on the verge of dwelling on things that can only make me unhappy.
--
I'm not sure if writing here will fix that. I talked to my girlfriend about it a little but that doesn't seem to have helped. I should probably talk about this more. And with more people. But it doesn't seem to come out when I try.
I should tell Adam I'm angry with him. I should tell my girlfriend that we need to have a conversation and figure out what we want from each other or at least what we need. I should tell my mother that it's not going so well right now.
But instead I'm telling the internet... because it's such a good listener.