holy fuck its been....a long time

[eitherwayyoudie]

i use to love livejournal. just writing, it was such a release. but not anymore. im trying to keep busy so i can stop thinking about how my life seems to be going on the right track, but its moving too fast for me to keep up lately. i was sad in feb. but that all changed when Matt, after 2 years finally asked me out 4 days before Johns one year. then i was happy in march. for the first time in a year i was smiling and looking forward to something again. just a simple text from him was all i needed to keep smiling all day. but then it went wrong. he cheated. he got silent. he broke it off after one month to go back to his ex gf who now, apprently, he is OH SOOOO in love with even though the last time they dated, for one month, he ended it by dropping her off at the comm. station with 10 bucks and said "go home to your mother". he use to brag about that to me. then i was bitter in april. over it by may. and now, now im just busy and lost again. im freaking out about starting school again in sept. not only have i had a nice long semester off, im going back to a school that i dont want to be at. i have no positivity towards wheelock any longer. no one likes me there, and i highly dislike that majority of the school as well. everyone seems so fake. im lonely. im accepting that for the first time in years, im NOT on and off with anyone. it feels werid. im just searching. so im working a lot. hard rock this, hard rock that. its my summer. the past year of my life. i love my job but i wish i could just be in a classroom. i miss it. the only thing that has been keeping me going these past few months has been going down to RI when i can to see Erin. But even now, i rarely get to go due to my work schedule. i feel like i have no friends in brookline because of sarah. thank god, thank god, for gabe and now leah being back. i just want to be happy. its my summer goal. to start drinking again, stop smoking ciggs (maybe???), find someone, and to be happy.

i have to stop living my life in a state of hidden misery just because my heart still hurts so much from missing him. to qoute a movie, i feel like im making a career out of being unhappy.