We're just human, amusing and confusing, But the truth is all we got is questions, We'll never know
study abroad programme - finished. an academic YEAR, i've done it and that's how it all went.
so much is different now. life-changing things and everyday-changing things. lots of change. it's may and i'm kind of surprised i survived. i thought i would disintegrate with all the destabilization. but you just keep going dont you. this year has been full of sink or swim moments.
dozens of times before i left i thought i would break. twice i seriously, hysterically considered not going, once three weeks before i left. i missed my plane like it wasn't going to happen and the next day it did. i was left in an empty room with one suitcase and i thought i would break and instead i went for drinks. i met great people, most of whom i didn't make time for later even though some of them might have deserved it. there have been a lot of moments i thought i would break - most of them not while i was doing this living here thing. lots of it hurt and lots of it was so easy. but i didn't break and i had an amazing time.
i get sad thinking about the first couple months with lovely girls -one who went home at christmas, one who i entirely lost touch with and a few others i still know - drinking more british than american...getting buzzed half the week and drunk occasionally. actually, brighton brits are just alcoholics and drink every night, but the daily pub thing and the lack of american-style competition. and now its the end - and i stopped paying attention to people around here and instead i travelled to a dozen countries and had a relationship and worked a lot: on liberia, on project for peace, on papers and exams, endlessly on research in swaziland.
i lived by a pebble beach and a few times it was warm enough to sit on it. my eyes learned england and i expect rolling countryside. i like people telling me cheers. i like how southern english girls speak in a normal tone and then kick it up to screeching highness for the BYE! it makes me laugh. i even like that they don't give me bags at the stores no matter how much stuff i buy because society here gives a shit about the environment. i like the pretty gay boys that flit about my kitchen all the time and their eyeliner charm. i like robert burns night and men in kilts. i like trying to take that seriously and failing. i like knowing a little part of the oxford world - studying in its ancient libraries and witnessing the entirely unique crowd of beings that place attracts.
now, i'm still impossibly the same and probably more different than i realise. unimportant things. i find the word 'labor' disgusting in comparison to 'labour'. i 'find' things. i hate double quotation marks. i hate the british 'enrol' instead of 'enrolled' and i love how they say litrally instead of literally. my speaking tone is different, i inflect questions like a southern english person even though i can't describe how to do that. i know that gladys and i were doing that within a couple months here. i don't know if it will go away. i like 'holidays' better than 'vacations' and i like that on any given day a least someone shouts in exasperation, fuck me!
i LIKE elijah the guy i hate. i have most definitely been taught to research a paper. i am well rested almost every day. i know who king charles I was and why he was murdered. i understand the basics of british politics, i think, and i read the paper now. i think its funny that my country thinks its the greatest nation in the world because it so clearly is not, with or without the shit president. there is no greatest nation and if there was it would probably be denmark or sweden because they win ALL the country rankings of anything. america's great, of course. its beats lots of places. but lots of places beat it on LOTS of things and the arrogance of the super-patriots, ie citizens, is tragic but funny.
i'm a product of it and a product of some conservative elements in the south aren't influential - i believe in religion. i don't believe in premarital sex. i think abortion is plain old baby death. i am deeply against men in skinny jeans. super un-british things.
but so many things i hate about the US. 2nd amendment fools who bring death by the hundreds of thousands. i hate this people kill people shit, people with fucking guns kill people assholes. europe has no guns and their crazies have to take the slow, more moderate strategy of stabbing - so simple and yet brilliant. in a way, i applaud the forces of nature for proving survival of the fittest on a state level. if the country is too stupid to stop killing itself they lose the game.
and i guess since we let the rich NRA repress the wishes of most americans who would prefer not to have a fucking armed citizenry, we might as well go along with the barbarism thing and execute our criminals. and if we execute our own citizens, we might as well torture other citizens as long as its shrouded in mystery and there's no 'organ failure'. smart men to confuse the meanings of 'torture' and 'murder'. and since scary men are experiencing what does not amount to organ failure we don't mind accepting the loss of all those civil liberties.
god i can't even think about all this stuff because it makes me see my home as this really great, but bloodsoaked place to live. it seems like we revel in death a bit much for civilized people. and its not natural violence cause we certainly aren't any more violent than the europeans over here that warred for a good time for centuries. its bad government and i hope it gets better soon! i think it will in my lifetime. i don't think we will stop occupying nations and having a wee self-congratulatory pat on the back for it. i imagine that a tragedy large enough to stimulate gun control laws won't happen - someone would have to take out a state or something because the uk had the dunblane shooting and guns were out and we have the equivalent of TWO THOUSAND dunblanes a year and nobody blinks an eye. or even worse we all moan about how sad it all is and the NRA demonstrates. but i do think we'll kick the death penalty in the next thirty years.
anyway, i love america, i just wish we were worthy of all that proud patriotism.
so much is different now. life-changing things and everyday-changing things. lots of change. it's may and i'm kind of surprised i survived. i thought i would disintegrate with all the destabilization. but you just keep going dont you. this year has been full of sink or swim moments.
dozens of times before i left i thought i would break. twice i seriously, hysterically considered not going, once three weeks before i left. i missed my plane like it wasn't going to happen and the next day it did. i was left in an empty room with one suitcase and i thought i would break and instead i went for drinks. i met great people, most of whom i didn't make time for later even though some of them might have deserved it. there have been a lot of moments i thought i would break - most of them not while i was doing this living here thing. lots of it hurt and lots of it was so easy. but i didn't break and i had an amazing time.
i get sad thinking about the first couple months with lovely girls -one who went home at christmas, one who i entirely lost touch with and a few others i still know - drinking more british than american...getting buzzed half the week and drunk occasionally. actually, brighton brits are just alcoholics and drink every night, but the daily pub thing and the lack of american-style competition. and now its the end - and i stopped paying attention to people around here and instead i travelled to a dozen countries and had a relationship and worked a lot: on liberia, on project for peace, on papers and exams, endlessly on research in swaziland.
i lived by a pebble beach and a few times it was warm enough to sit on it. my eyes learned england and i expect rolling countryside. i like people telling me cheers. i like how southern english girls speak in a normal tone and then kick it up to screeching highness for the BYE! it makes me laugh. i even like that they don't give me bags at the stores no matter how much stuff i buy because society here gives a shit about the environment. i like the pretty gay boys that flit about my kitchen all the time and their eyeliner charm. i like robert burns night and men in kilts. i like trying to take that seriously and failing. i like knowing a little part of the oxford world - studying in its ancient libraries and witnessing the entirely unique crowd of beings that place attracts.
now, i'm still impossibly the same and probably more different than i realise. unimportant things. i find the word 'labor' disgusting in comparison to 'labour'. i 'find' things. i hate double quotation marks. i hate the british 'enrol' instead of 'enrolled' and i love how they say litrally instead of literally. my speaking tone is different, i inflect questions like a southern english person even though i can't describe how to do that. i know that gladys and i were doing that within a couple months here. i don't know if it will go away. i like 'holidays' better than 'vacations' and i like that on any given day a least someone shouts in exasperation, fuck me!
i LIKE elijah the guy i hate. i have most definitely been taught to research a paper. i am well rested almost every day. i know who king charles I was and why he was murdered. i understand the basics of british politics, i think, and i read the paper now. i think its funny that my country thinks its the greatest nation in the world because it so clearly is not, with or without the shit president. there is no greatest nation and if there was it would probably be denmark or sweden because they win ALL the country rankings of anything. america's great, of course. its beats lots of places. but lots of places beat it on LOTS of things and the arrogance of the super-patriots, ie citizens, is tragic but funny.
i'm a product of it and a product of some conservative elements in the south aren't influential - i believe in religion. i don't believe in premarital sex. i think abortion is plain old baby death. i am deeply against men in skinny jeans. super un-british things.
but so many things i hate about the US. 2nd amendment fools who bring death by the hundreds of thousands. i hate this people kill people shit, people with fucking guns kill people assholes. europe has no guns and their crazies have to take the slow, more moderate strategy of stabbing - so simple and yet brilliant. in a way, i applaud the forces of nature for proving survival of the fittest on a state level. if the country is too stupid to stop killing itself they lose the game.
and i guess since we let the rich NRA repress the wishes of most americans who would prefer not to have a fucking armed citizenry, we might as well go along with the barbarism thing and execute our criminals. and if we execute our own citizens, we might as well torture other citizens as long as its shrouded in mystery and there's no 'organ failure'. smart men to confuse the meanings of 'torture' and 'murder'. and since scary men are experiencing what does not amount to organ failure we don't mind accepting the loss of all those civil liberties.
god i can't even think about all this stuff because it makes me see my home as this really great, but bloodsoaked place to live. it seems like we revel in death a bit much for civilized people. and its not natural violence cause we certainly aren't any more violent than the europeans over here that warred for a good time for centuries. its bad government and i hope it gets better soon! i think it will in my lifetime. i don't think we will stop occupying nations and having a wee self-congratulatory pat on the back for it. i imagine that a tragedy large enough to stimulate gun control laws won't happen - someone would have to take out a state or something because the uk had the dunblane shooting and guns were out and we have the equivalent of TWO THOUSAND dunblanes a year and nobody blinks an eye. or even worse we all moan about how sad it all is and the NRA demonstrates. but i do think we'll kick the death penalty in the next thirty years.
anyway, i love america, i just wish we were worthy of all that proud patriotism.