Fanfic: (Don't) Regret the Mistakes - Part Six
Gaius Phillipson was ushered into Merlin's cell, his expression one of not being able to believe that this was a real situation until he actually saw Merlin sitting at the table.
"Merlin, I feel like I've walked into some alternate universe. When did the sensible, intelligent son of Hunith Emrys become a prostitute who puts his life in danger, and has to defend himself from arseholes and winds up imprisoned for his troubles?"
"Gaius..." Merlin started.
"No, Merlin, we haven't really got the time right now. I just cannot believe that this is what you've been doing, telling Hunith that everything is going well. Well, everything is not going well."
"Gaius, I've messed up. Please, I know I've made all sorts of mistakes..."
"Alright my boy, good to know there is still some sense rattling around in that head of yours. Now what I need to know now, is everything. Tell me everything that happened."
Gaius weaved Merlin's story, taking each strand of a sentence, a detail, a fact, written down as Merlin answered his questions, how did the meeting start, where were you when you met Nollar, what was the purpose of his visiting you, what did you understand would take place, what did he say to you, then what did you do, Gaius constantly scribbling a stream of Merlin's words on his nondescript notepad, wanting as much detail as Merlin could possibly recall about what Nollar had said to him, how he had acted, what had happened at the moment that Nollar had been injured, how it had happened.
Gaius paused, and looked at Merlin for a lingering moment when Merlin described a crystal decanter flying across the room of its own volition.
"Have you ever seen this happen before?" Gaius asked in a dry voice.
"No," Merlin whispered.
Gaius pondered this, before clarifying, "You didn't somehow move something, pull on a cloth, or somehow manipulate..."
"Gaius, one minute Nollar was on top of me, choking me, my throat was being crushed, the next the decanter flew across the room like a champagne cork, and collected his head like a thug doing business with a baseball bat. It knocked him senseless, I'm not even sure if it might not kill him, and somehow, it was my fear and panic that did it. I don't know the fucking FUCK how, Gaius, but my SPIRIT moved that pretty, heavy crystal receptacle into Nollar's apparently not so thick skull."
Gaius stopped writing, looked down at his hands, and pondered the version of events he was collecting, this unlikely last detail not even making it onto his file note.
"Merlin, you have to be very careful with how you speak to the police. We need to make sure that what you tell them is accurate, and also speaks to them the truth about your need in that moment to defend yourself. I am going to request an urgent medical examination, which will corroborate your story regarding Nollar's attempted strangulation of you. Perhaps the shaking of the bed, the movement in the room, dislodged the decanter from it's place above you in the room, and landed on Nollar?"
"It's no use, Gaius. I can't fabricate what didn't happen. If I say it fell on him, they'll call me a liar, and say the angle is all wrong. If I say I threw it at him, they'll say I wasn't in fear of my life."
"And if you say you moved it with your mind, they'll have you psychiatrically tested."
"I'm not insane Gaius. If I speak to a psychiatrist, they might not believe my story, but that doesn't mean they will automatically decide I'm mentally ill."
"Merlin, I think we need to tell the detectives a version of your story, that is truthful even if some of the details are edited. You were acting in self-defence. Nollar had you confined in a room, you are much lighter and smaller in stature, he had been choking you, and however it came to be that the decanter crashed into his head, whether your arms swung it, or your mind reached out and pulled it, it all amounts to the same story. You were defending yourself from a life-threatening attack."
Merlin slumped. He felt like he was going insane, even if he knew in truth he wasn't. He was wired and wrung out, sleep deprived, acutely stressed from having to defend himself from Nollar, and having to defend himself against accusations of a criminal assault, his meeting with his former client, who was losing the plot and trying to convince him to start some affair. Merlin felt like that was just asking to destroy two lives with one stone.
Gaius stood and briefly patted Merlin's shoulder, before exiting the room to arrange the medical examination. Merlin had been too frightened to speak to the police who had arrested him at the scene, worried he would say exactly the wrong details and have the police later use this. The caution he had received had so rattled him, along with all the other events of the evening, that he had been too terrified to speak up about his injuries.
Soon Gaius came back to the interview room, with a female inspector that Merlin had not seen to date. Sitting down opposite Merlin, she looked at him civilly, as though he was perhaps not scum under her feet after all.
"Inspector Mithian Norton. You are Merlin Emrys?"
Merlin nodded, before remembering he would have to speak, "Yes, I'm Merlin Emrys."
"I'll be recording this conversation, as I have been advised by your barrister Gaius Phillipson that you have requested an urgent medical examination?"
"Yes, I want a medical examination," Merlin agreed, as he twisted and untwisted his hands in his lap.
"I'll arrange that for you. Do you have a preference for a male doctor?"
Merlin hesitated for a moment, he wanted simply to be examined as soon as practicable, but did not especially relish the thought of having to display himself to a female doctor, as irrational as that might seem. He was also terrified at the thought of a brusque, unsympathetic doctor going through the motions, and not properly assessing his injuries.
"I guess I don't have an opinion either way, as long as they will do the job properly and don't miss things."
Inspector Mithian Norton gazed at him speculatively. "All of our doctors do a through search and report. They are experienced in forensic medical examinations, any doctor on duty will not just give you a cursory look over, but will be searching for detailed evidence of injuries. If you are happy to see a female doctor, we can arrange the examination in the next few minutes."
Merlin assented, "Yes, please." Even though he felt self-conscious at the thought of being examined by a female doctor, he supposed it would be worse to leave it for a longer time period and perhaps somehow lose some vital evidence.
His chair scraped as he stood up quickly to follow Inspector Norton. Gaius gathered his notes in a clumsy pile.
Merlin followed her down the hall, and was told to wait just outside a nondescript door, which Inspector Norton knocked on, and entered.
"Just tell the doctor as much as you can about last night. Make sure she sees those bruises on your neck."
Merlin nodded mutely. He'd spent one night in this nightmare, and he was already weary, so weary...
Inspector Mithian Norton came out again.
"Our doctor can see you now, Merlin. Just take your time, no need to feel rushed. Can I get you something to drink, to eat?"
Merlin looked uncertainly past Inspector Norton, and towards Gaius. "Maybe some, toast, a cup of tea." Merlin had not really had anything for hours, and the mention of food made him feel nauseous. If he could just choke down some toast, he might not faint.
"I'll get something for you. Can't have you fade away, there's not too much of you to begin with." Gesturing towards Gaius, she said, "Perhaps you'd like a cuppa too. Could be in for a bit of a wait here."
When Arthur came into his campaign office, nobody met his eyes as he walked through the door. It was the silence which made Arthur realize that his entire staff had in fact been discussing him. He dimly supposed Gwen must have told someone. Perhaps she had told them all. Maybe she was arranging a skywriter. "Arthur Pendragon Cheated on his Wife, Vote for Him and He'll Tell Lies to You Too."
Morgana locked eyes with him, and tossed her hair as she walked into his office. Arthur followed, closing the door behind him, and told himself, nothing said to him by his own staff would compare to the rejection of him by his constituents. If what had happened in his personal life became public knowledge, then it would be impossible for his campaign to continue.
Morgana sat down, in his chair, behind his desk. Arthur sank into the visitor chair with a barely audible sigh, but it was enough to rewarded with an arched eyebrow from Morgana.
"Arthur..."
"Morgana, I don't know..."
"She's told me everything, Arthur. About you seeing some slutty twink prostitute, and that you've decided you love him, and have to rescue him. I feel like I'm living in some, some, overblown French romance, where the guy just follows his dick into everyone and anyone and fuck the consequences."
Arthur closed his eyes. She had a point. This whole falling in love with another man epiphany had really come at a bad time. Not that there would ever be a good time for him and Merlin.
"I know there are consequences..."
"Arthur, there are consequences, there are mistakes that can be managed. But this Arthur, this is going over the cliff, in a car, on fire. Thelma and Louise, man, do you really want to be dead at the bottom of a canyon?"
"Morgana, as far as anyone is currently aware, in the public eye at least, Merlin is simply a young man in trouble. He had to defend himself, and he's not exactly the built, robust type, so he had to use an blunt object to do it. Only Gwen, and now I surmise, my staff, are aware of the nature of our relationship."
"If you wade into this swamp, you are going to come out covered up to your neck. You can't help him Arthur, and expect no one to wonder why you're doing it. The fact that your wife has moved out of your home, might just alert them that there is something more to this. You let this boy go, and go beg your wife for another chance."
Arthur looked past Morgana, at the paperwork and files behind her. This was everything he had worked for, everything he had wanted for years. He didn't want to lose it. He could see it would be wrenched away from him.
"Morgana, how can I do this? You're asking me to leave Merlin to defend himself against possible criminal charges, that I should not step in to at least vouch for what I know of him, that he is not violent, or easily provoked, he would entreat first, using force would be his last possible option..."
"Arthur, what does any of this have to do with you? With your life? With your election campaign? He needs to get himself a decent lawyer, not drag you in the mud with him."
"Morgana, he is facing jail. Jail. Imagine what could happen to him in there."
"Arthur, he turns tricks. He'll probably do it in jail, might be even more lucrative for him." Morgana paused, and Arthur gaped at her crassness. He took a breath.
"You're right. That's exactly what he'll end up doing, to survive. He's worth so much more than that, how can you cynically say, just let him go to jail and be fucked forever?"
Morgana stood up and turned her back towards Arthur.
"You're a fucking fool, Arthur Pendragon. You've got this whole campaign so close to completion, to being a Member of Parliament in your twenties, and you want to strangle your future before it's even born, stick it in a bin liner and throw it away. Uther behind you every step of the way, putting in his best word for you with anyone who would listen, and you want to just treat it all like, like, it's nothing at all to throw it away, you entitled, spoilt, naive, wretched CUNT!"
Morgana's shoulders were shaking with fury, and she stood silent, unwilling to face the young man who was the living embodiment of everything she should have had, of her own aspirations, but which she had never been given the green light from Uther to just take it for herself. She was a woman, which no matter how educated, how talented, she would always be the supporting role for the golden boy, the always acknowledged son. She had thrown herself heart and soul into Arthur's campaign, biding her time for when she might be deemed to have come of age herself. Now she would forever be blighted by this scandal, his idiocy. All the work that she, and Arthur's campaign team, and most importantly, Arthur's own work, was all going to mean nothing.
"Morgana, I'm sorry if this feels like I'm betraying you somehow. Sometimes following your heart..."
"You're following your dick, Arthur, not your damn heart. At least be fucking honest. Gwen has your heart. She has never done you wrong, and you just want to get your dick into that boy's ass, because, hey, you've never done that before, and it's suddenly so important to have this big moment and shit all over your life, for the sake of a fresh ass. Well, not exactly fresh, just novel for you. For now. Wonder how you'll feel down the track when it's not all a novelty anymore."
Arthur closed his eyes. There was no way of making Morgana understand.
He had so much with Gwen. Love, stability, security, someone who cherished him. She was so worthy, never offending him, always kind. He could stay with her, and be happy. Always moderately happy, not too many ups and downs. But he could not go back, as good as she was. As worthy as she was of his respect, affection, care, concern. He could not mistake all these fine things anymore for actually being in love. For wanting to live and breath and disappear inside a person. For being so delirious with it, that he would do whatever he could to inspire Merlin to love him back.
"Morgana, I'm not the sort of person to just ignore someone who is in trouble. I can understand that it seems like I'm risking the ruin of everything we have worked towards. Maybe that's true. Maybe I'm ruining my only chance to be in this position, to have the power to change how this country is run. But what kind of person wants to be in power, but ignore someone he cares about?"
"But what about Gwen? Arthur, she is devastated. Do you even fathom what you've done to her?"
"Morgana, flinging Merlin away like he's nothing, is not going to fix Gwen and I. I can't live a lie. I'll do anything that she'll let me do to try and be her friend. If she'll let me. But what use is it to be in each other's lives, intertwined, if I'm not in it heart and soul. It's just going through the motions, and I can't live like that, and I don't think Gwen would want that in the end either."
Morgana's shoulders slumped, all the fight finally drained from her.
"This is irreversible, Arthur. It's not a two-way door, once you do this, it will change everything. And you can't get it back, no matter how much you might come to regret this decision."
Arthur sighed heavily. Morgana was right, this decision was both the most devastating, and yet the most patently obvious of his entire life. He could not even begin to contemplate his father's rage. It seemed to him more likely than not that he would be disinherited. That was not the consequence he feared. What he dreaded was the loss of his father's respect, his approval. He had only really ever held it on Uther's terms, but it was precious nonetheless. He wanted it to be enough for Uther that he was doing what he genuinely believed was right. Long years of experience of the man, gave him the insight that, unless he fulfilled Uther's ambitions for his life, that Arthur could never expect to receive his approbation. To deviate from the path Uther had shown Arthur, would seem to Uther to be a wholesale abandonment of everything he had ever tried to instill in Arthur. Arthur knew differently now. Perhaps his interpretation of honor and loyalty took on a different form to how Uther would manifest it in his life. But Arthur knew, however Uther reacted, that Arthur was not rejecting the spirit of everything Uther had tried to instill in him, only the particulars of changing the world through a political life.
Even so, their bond would be permanently broken, and if they ever spoke again, Arthur doubted it would be on the same terms as they held now. They were more like allies than father and son. They related to each other while Arthur complied with Uther's conditions. Choosing Merlin would be a unforgivable breach. If he just lived for approval, and it meant denying everything important, then it was an alliance purchased at a cost that Arthur could not pay anymore. He had too much to lose. He had Merlin to lose.
Arthur walked into his campaign office for the last time, and braced himself. He had to tell his staff his decision. Then he would tell Uther, the Conservative Party and the nation.
"Merlin, I feel like I've walked into some alternate universe. When did the sensible, intelligent son of Hunith Emrys become a prostitute who puts his life in danger, and has to defend himself from arseholes and winds up imprisoned for his troubles?"
"Gaius..." Merlin started.
"No, Merlin, we haven't really got the time right now. I just cannot believe that this is what you've been doing, telling Hunith that everything is going well. Well, everything is not going well."
"Gaius, I've messed up. Please, I know I've made all sorts of mistakes..."
"Alright my boy, good to know there is still some sense rattling around in that head of yours. Now what I need to know now, is everything. Tell me everything that happened."
Gaius weaved Merlin's story, taking each strand of a sentence, a detail, a fact, written down as Merlin answered his questions, how did the meeting start, where were you when you met Nollar, what was the purpose of his visiting you, what did you understand would take place, what did he say to you, then what did you do, Gaius constantly scribbling a stream of Merlin's words on his nondescript notepad, wanting as much detail as Merlin could possibly recall about what Nollar had said to him, how he had acted, what had happened at the moment that Nollar had been injured, how it had happened.
Gaius paused, and looked at Merlin for a lingering moment when Merlin described a crystal decanter flying across the room of its own volition.
"Have you ever seen this happen before?" Gaius asked in a dry voice.
"No," Merlin whispered.
Gaius pondered this, before clarifying, "You didn't somehow move something, pull on a cloth, or somehow manipulate..."
"Gaius, one minute Nollar was on top of me, choking me, my throat was being crushed, the next the decanter flew across the room like a champagne cork, and collected his head like a thug doing business with a baseball bat. It knocked him senseless, I'm not even sure if it might not kill him, and somehow, it was my fear and panic that did it. I don't know the fucking FUCK how, Gaius, but my SPIRIT moved that pretty, heavy crystal receptacle into Nollar's apparently not so thick skull."
Gaius stopped writing, looked down at his hands, and pondered the version of events he was collecting, this unlikely last detail not even making it onto his file note.
"Merlin, you have to be very careful with how you speak to the police. We need to make sure that what you tell them is accurate, and also speaks to them the truth about your need in that moment to defend yourself. I am going to request an urgent medical examination, which will corroborate your story regarding Nollar's attempted strangulation of you. Perhaps the shaking of the bed, the movement in the room, dislodged the decanter from it's place above you in the room, and landed on Nollar?"
"It's no use, Gaius. I can't fabricate what didn't happen. If I say it fell on him, they'll call me a liar, and say the angle is all wrong. If I say I threw it at him, they'll say I wasn't in fear of my life."
"And if you say you moved it with your mind, they'll have you psychiatrically tested."
"I'm not insane Gaius. If I speak to a psychiatrist, they might not believe my story, but that doesn't mean they will automatically decide I'm mentally ill."
"Merlin, I think we need to tell the detectives a version of your story, that is truthful even if some of the details are edited. You were acting in self-defence. Nollar had you confined in a room, you are much lighter and smaller in stature, he had been choking you, and however it came to be that the decanter crashed into his head, whether your arms swung it, or your mind reached out and pulled it, it all amounts to the same story. You were defending yourself from a life-threatening attack."
Merlin slumped. He felt like he was going insane, even if he knew in truth he wasn't. He was wired and wrung out, sleep deprived, acutely stressed from having to defend himself from Nollar, and having to defend himself against accusations of a criminal assault, his meeting with his former client, who was losing the plot and trying to convince him to start some affair. Merlin felt like that was just asking to destroy two lives with one stone.
Gaius stood and briefly patted Merlin's shoulder, before exiting the room to arrange the medical examination. Merlin had been too frightened to speak to the police who had arrested him at the scene, worried he would say exactly the wrong details and have the police later use this. The caution he had received had so rattled him, along with all the other events of the evening, that he had been too terrified to speak up about his injuries.
Soon Gaius came back to the interview room, with a female inspector that Merlin had not seen to date. Sitting down opposite Merlin, she looked at him civilly, as though he was perhaps not scum under her feet after all.
"Inspector Mithian Norton. You are Merlin Emrys?"
Merlin nodded, before remembering he would have to speak, "Yes, I'm Merlin Emrys."
"I'll be recording this conversation, as I have been advised by your barrister Gaius Phillipson that you have requested an urgent medical examination?"
"Yes, I want a medical examination," Merlin agreed, as he twisted and untwisted his hands in his lap.
"I'll arrange that for you. Do you have a preference for a male doctor?"
Merlin hesitated for a moment, he wanted simply to be examined as soon as practicable, but did not especially relish the thought of having to display himself to a female doctor, as irrational as that might seem. He was also terrified at the thought of a brusque, unsympathetic doctor going through the motions, and not properly assessing his injuries.
"I guess I don't have an opinion either way, as long as they will do the job properly and don't miss things."
Inspector Mithian Norton gazed at him speculatively. "All of our doctors do a through search and report. They are experienced in forensic medical examinations, any doctor on duty will not just give you a cursory look over, but will be searching for detailed evidence of injuries. If you are happy to see a female doctor, we can arrange the examination in the next few minutes."
Merlin assented, "Yes, please." Even though he felt self-conscious at the thought of being examined by a female doctor, he supposed it would be worse to leave it for a longer time period and perhaps somehow lose some vital evidence.
His chair scraped as he stood up quickly to follow Inspector Norton. Gaius gathered his notes in a clumsy pile.
Merlin followed her down the hall, and was told to wait just outside a nondescript door, which Inspector Norton knocked on, and entered.
"Just tell the doctor as much as you can about last night. Make sure she sees those bruises on your neck."
Merlin nodded mutely. He'd spent one night in this nightmare, and he was already weary, so weary...
Inspector Mithian Norton came out again.
"Our doctor can see you now, Merlin. Just take your time, no need to feel rushed. Can I get you something to drink, to eat?"
Merlin looked uncertainly past Inspector Norton, and towards Gaius. "Maybe some, toast, a cup of tea." Merlin had not really had anything for hours, and the mention of food made him feel nauseous. If he could just choke down some toast, he might not faint.
"I'll get something for you. Can't have you fade away, there's not too much of you to begin with." Gesturing towards Gaius, she said, "Perhaps you'd like a cuppa too. Could be in for a bit of a wait here."
When Arthur came into his campaign office, nobody met his eyes as he walked through the door. It was the silence which made Arthur realize that his entire staff had in fact been discussing him. He dimly supposed Gwen must have told someone. Perhaps she had told them all. Maybe she was arranging a skywriter. "Arthur Pendragon Cheated on his Wife, Vote for Him and He'll Tell Lies to You Too."
Morgana locked eyes with him, and tossed her hair as she walked into his office. Arthur followed, closing the door behind him, and told himself, nothing said to him by his own staff would compare to the rejection of him by his constituents. If what had happened in his personal life became public knowledge, then it would be impossible for his campaign to continue.
Morgana sat down, in his chair, behind his desk. Arthur sank into the visitor chair with a barely audible sigh, but it was enough to rewarded with an arched eyebrow from Morgana.
"Arthur..."
"Morgana, I don't know..."
"She's told me everything, Arthur. About you seeing some slutty twink prostitute, and that you've decided you love him, and have to rescue him. I feel like I'm living in some, some, overblown French romance, where the guy just follows his dick into everyone and anyone and fuck the consequences."
Arthur closed his eyes. She had a point. This whole falling in love with another man epiphany had really come at a bad time. Not that there would ever be a good time for him and Merlin.
"I know there are consequences..."
"Arthur, there are consequences, there are mistakes that can be managed. But this Arthur, this is going over the cliff, in a car, on fire. Thelma and Louise, man, do you really want to be dead at the bottom of a canyon?"
"Morgana, as far as anyone is currently aware, in the public eye at least, Merlin is simply a young man in trouble. He had to defend himself, and he's not exactly the built, robust type, so he had to use an blunt object to do it. Only Gwen, and now I surmise, my staff, are aware of the nature of our relationship."
"If you wade into this swamp, you are going to come out covered up to your neck. You can't help him Arthur, and expect no one to wonder why you're doing it. The fact that your wife has moved out of your home, might just alert them that there is something more to this. You let this boy go, and go beg your wife for another chance."
Arthur looked past Morgana, at the paperwork and files behind her. This was everything he had worked for, everything he had wanted for years. He didn't want to lose it. He could see it would be wrenched away from him.
"Morgana, how can I do this? You're asking me to leave Merlin to defend himself against possible criminal charges, that I should not step in to at least vouch for what I know of him, that he is not violent, or easily provoked, he would entreat first, using force would be his last possible option..."
"Arthur, what does any of this have to do with you? With your life? With your election campaign? He needs to get himself a decent lawyer, not drag you in the mud with him."
"Morgana, he is facing jail. Jail. Imagine what could happen to him in there."
"Arthur, he turns tricks. He'll probably do it in jail, might be even more lucrative for him." Morgana paused, and Arthur gaped at her crassness. He took a breath.
"You're right. That's exactly what he'll end up doing, to survive. He's worth so much more than that, how can you cynically say, just let him go to jail and be fucked forever?"
Morgana stood up and turned her back towards Arthur.
"You're a fucking fool, Arthur Pendragon. You've got this whole campaign so close to completion, to being a Member of Parliament in your twenties, and you want to strangle your future before it's even born, stick it in a bin liner and throw it away. Uther behind you every step of the way, putting in his best word for you with anyone who would listen, and you want to just treat it all like, like, it's nothing at all to throw it away, you entitled, spoilt, naive, wretched CUNT!"
Morgana's shoulders were shaking with fury, and she stood silent, unwilling to face the young man who was the living embodiment of everything she should have had, of her own aspirations, but which she had never been given the green light from Uther to just take it for herself. She was a woman, which no matter how educated, how talented, she would always be the supporting role for the golden boy, the always acknowledged son. She had thrown herself heart and soul into Arthur's campaign, biding her time for when she might be deemed to have come of age herself. Now she would forever be blighted by this scandal, his idiocy. All the work that she, and Arthur's campaign team, and most importantly, Arthur's own work, was all going to mean nothing.
"Morgana, I'm sorry if this feels like I'm betraying you somehow. Sometimes following your heart..."
"You're following your dick, Arthur, not your damn heart. At least be fucking honest. Gwen has your heart. She has never done you wrong, and you just want to get your dick into that boy's ass, because, hey, you've never done that before, and it's suddenly so important to have this big moment and shit all over your life, for the sake of a fresh ass. Well, not exactly fresh, just novel for you. For now. Wonder how you'll feel down the track when it's not all a novelty anymore."
Arthur closed his eyes. There was no way of making Morgana understand.
He had so much with Gwen. Love, stability, security, someone who cherished him. She was so worthy, never offending him, always kind. He could stay with her, and be happy. Always moderately happy, not too many ups and downs. But he could not go back, as good as she was. As worthy as she was of his respect, affection, care, concern. He could not mistake all these fine things anymore for actually being in love. For wanting to live and breath and disappear inside a person. For being so delirious with it, that he would do whatever he could to inspire Merlin to love him back.
"Morgana, I'm not the sort of person to just ignore someone who is in trouble. I can understand that it seems like I'm risking the ruin of everything we have worked towards. Maybe that's true. Maybe I'm ruining my only chance to be in this position, to have the power to change how this country is run. But what kind of person wants to be in power, but ignore someone he cares about?"
"But what about Gwen? Arthur, she is devastated. Do you even fathom what you've done to her?"
"Morgana, flinging Merlin away like he's nothing, is not going to fix Gwen and I. I can't live a lie. I'll do anything that she'll let me do to try and be her friend. If she'll let me. But what use is it to be in each other's lives, intertwined, if I'm not in it heart and soul. It's just going through the motions, and I can't live like that, and I don't think Gwen would want that in the end either."
Morgana's shoulders slumped, all the fight finally drained from her.
"This is irreversible, Arthur. It's not a two-way door, once you do this, it will change everything. And you can't get it back, no matter how much you might come to regret this decision."
Arthur sighed heavily. Morgana was right, this decision was both the most devastating, and yet the most patently obvious of his entire life. He could not even begin to contemplate his father's rage. It seemed to him more likely than not that he would be disinherited. That was not the consequence he feared. What he dreaded was the loss of his father's respect, his approval. He had only really ever held it on Uther's terms, but it was precious nonetheless. He wanted it to be enough for Uther that he was doing what he genuinely believed was right. Long years of experience of the man, gave him the insight that, unless he fulfilled Uther's ambitions for his life, that Arthur could never expect to receive his approbation. To deviate from the path Uther had shown Arthur, would seem to Uther to be a wholesale abandonment of everything he had ever tried to instill in Arthur. Arthur knew differently now. Perhaps his interpretation of honor and loyalty took on a different form to how Uther would manifest it in his life. But Arthur knew, however Uther reacted, that Arthur was not rejecting the spirit of everything Uther had tried to instill in him, only the particulars of changing the world through a political life.
Even so, their bond would be permanently broken, and if they ever spoke again, Arthur doubted it would be on the same terms as they held now. They were more like allies than father and son. They related to each other while Arthur complied with Uther's conditions. Choosing Merlin would be a unforgivable breach. If he just lived for approval, and it meant denying everything important, then it was an alliance purchased at a cost that Arthur could not pay anymore. He had too much to lose. He had Merlin to lose.
Arthur walked into his campaign office for the last time, and braced himself. He had to tell his staff his decision. Then he would tell Uther, the Conservative Party and the nation.