I am so frustrated.
I have been so insecure lately, it's ridiculous. I've come back to the conclusion that I either have very few friends with substance in my life or I repel most people, I am unloveable, maybe worse, unlikeable. No matter which scenario I choose it's scary and unsettling. And so here, I believe, is the wall.
I know that in town I have Nicole, Kayla and Deeb. Sadly, I never see any of them lately. Nicole doesn't seem to want to go walking anymore (I know it's been cold, but still). Kayla is busy with college and fixing her situation with Adam. Deeb spends weekends with her boyfriend. And, to make matters worse, I no longer feel comfortable calling and talking to anyone about my issues. I'm scared my vulnerability and problems will do what they have seemed to do to everyone I have ever been truly close to, inform them once and for all that I am crazy and not worth the trouble. So, for the most part I shut up and try to smile. But God, I'm so miserable right now.
I know that outside of town I have Emily and Haley, two people I care VERY very much for, but distance is hard and they have their own struggles to deal with. And, again, here is the wall.
I feel often that I am too different to connect with the majority of the world. I've talked with my mom about it before. She usually says something like "Shaunie, don't you think it's a little self absorbed to feel that you are COMPLETELY different from the other 6 billion people on this Earth?" My answer? Self Absorbed...no, self absorbed isn't the right set of words at all. I don't know what they are, but that isn't it. Self blaming, maybe? I always feel that it is my fault my relationships all seem to slowly disinegrate. I am too critical of others, I am too serious, I am too funny, I am irresponsible, exaggerating. I am simply not.good.enough. So, yes, self blame sounds about right. Is it true? I can't come up with any other reason.
Sarah Mundy and I no longer speak much at all. Ms. Baker and I are like strangers who never understood and do not stand on the same earth as one another. I can't tell you how muh that hurts...she is someone I once respected above most all other adults. She did a lot for me, helped me pick myself up out of the mess my life was a couple years back. And I would like to think I helped her too, in some small way. Now she sees me as defensive, tempermental, or "out of sorts" as she last said. And why should I be angry? I am "out of sorts" so to speak. I guess I just always hoped the people I trusted most would be able to deal with me, and love me anyway, all faults included. That's what I'm most scared of, right there...that maybe, no one ever will. What is life if we have to go through it alone?
Am I defected? Is there something wrong with me that makes people shirk away? I know that I'm a little damaged, that's not the question. I have issues. I am unreasonable, almost as critical of others as I am towards myself, I have difficulty trusting, and when I do trust, I trust the wrong people.
I want to be normal. There, I said it--the one thing the "against the establishment" girl doesn't say. Normalcy...I pray for it.
I know that in town I have Nicole, Kayla and Deeb. Sadly, I never see any of them lately. Nicole doesn't seem to want to go walking anymore (I know it's been cold, but still). Kayla is busy with college and fixing her situation with Adam. Deeb spends weekends with her boyfriend. And, to make matters worse, I no longer feel comfortable calling and talking to anyone about my issues. I'm scared my vulnerability and problems will do what they have seemed to do to everyone I have ever been truly close to, inform them once and for all that I am crazy and not worth the trouble. So, for the most part I shut up and try to smile. But God, I'm so miserable right now.
I know that outside of town I have Emily and Haley, two people I care VERY very much for, but distance is hard and they have their own struggles to deal with. And, again, here is the wall.
I feel often that I am too different to connect with the majority of the world. I've talked with my mom about it before. She usually says something like "Shaunie, don't you think it's a little self absorbed to feel that you are COMPLETELY different from the other 6 billion people on this Earth?" My answer? Self Absorbed...no, self absorbed isn't the right set of words at all. I don't know what they are, but that isn't it. Self blaming, maybe? I always feel that it is my fault my relationships all seem to slowly disinegrate. I am too critical of others, I am too serious, I am too funny, I am irresponsible, exaggerating. I am simply not.good.enough. So, yes, self blame sounds about right. Is it true? I can't come up with any other reason.
Sarah Mundy and I no longer speak much at all. Ms. Baker and I are like strangers who never understood and do not stand on the same earth as one another. I can't tell you how muh that hurts...she is someone I once respected above most all other adults. She did a lot for me, helped me pick myself up out of the mess my life was a couple years back. And I would like to think I helped her too, in some small way. Now she sees me as defensive, tempermental, or "out of sorts" as she last said. And why should I be angry? I am "out of sorts" so to speak. I guess I just always hoped the people I trusted most would be able to deal with me, and love me anyway, all faults included. That's what I'm most scared of, right there...that maybe, no one ever will. What is life if we have to go through it alone?
Am I defected? Is there something wrong with me that makes people shirk away? I know that I'm a little damaged, that's not the question. I have issues. I am unreasonable, almost as critical of others as I am towards myself, I have difficulty trusting, and when I do trust, I trust the wrong people.
I want to be normal. There, I said it--the one thing the "against the establishment" girl doesn't say. Normalcy...I pray for it.