Emotions...
Throughout highschool and a couple of years thereafter, I was incredibly emotionally driven. If anything made me happy or sad or anything, it effected, and took over, my day. I then decided that this was not ideal, and set out to be less emotionally-driven. I became distrustful of all emotions, and did all I could not to experience strong emotions. Whenever I felt emotional, I would sit down and analyze why I was feeling that way, and find a way to convince myself that it was invalid.
Then, about two years ago, I realized that I had, in removing emotions from my life (imperfectly, of course - I've always been woefully human) I had also removed drive, passion, desire, enthusiasm, warmth... Not good things to be without. In essence, I had intentionally made myself into a gray feelingless depressed version of myself. Upon this startling realization, I started to wish for more emotion in my life, so that I could be a more vibrant, passionate person. I can't remember the last time I felt truly excited about something.
Well, today I realized that emotions were back in my life. But unfortunately not any very helpful ones... hopelessness, anxiety, depression, desperation, with an odd blend of over-whelm-ed-ness and lethargy, had taken over. When I was with people and/or working on a project, I had something to focus on, and it made me into a personable, efficient person. But when did I become the kid who depends on others for a sense of well-being and wholeness? I've always despised those who couldn't be strong and confident and content in themselves. GAH!!!
And so yeah... I think there may have been a point I was driving towards when I started typing, but I've since lost track of it. I think that thinking through this whole thing, and putting it down in words stands a chance of being beneficial; who knows? So you random 3 people who read this get to be my sounding board. Sorry.
Then, about two years ago, I realized that I had, in removing emotions from my life (imperfectly, of course - I've always been woefully human) I had also removed drive, passion, desire, enthusiasm, warmth... Not good things to be without. In essence, I had intentionally made myself into a gray feelingless depressed version of myself. Upon this startling realization, I started to wish for more emotion in my life, so that I could be a more vibrant, passionate person. I can't remember the last time I felt truly excited about something.
Well, today I realized that emotions were back in my life. But unfortunately not any very helpful ones... hopelessness, anxiety, depression, desperation, with an odd blend of over-whelm-ed-ness and lethargy, had taken over. When I was with people and/or working on a project, I had something to focus on, and it made me into a personable, efficient person. But when did I become the kid who depends on others for a sense of well-being and wholeness? I've always despised those who couldn't be strong and confident and content in themselves. GAH!!!
And so yeah... I think there may have been a point I was driving towards when I started typing, but I've since lost track of it. I think that thinking through this whole thing, and putting it down in words stands a chance of being beneficial; who knows? So you random 3 people who read this get to be my sounding board. Sorry.