change the course of history
“Just trying to keep it in line”
It seems that I always come here in my hours of sleeplessness. Usually its from my cozy corner in the basement but today its from a southern sanctuary. Its not that I really need to write, its more of the fact that it helps me get a lot off of my chest. It gives me peace of mind and gets these thoughts out of my head and onto paper, as it were. I tried actually writing instead of typing so others didn’t have to read it but I couldn’t do it. I don’t like writing. I enjoy typing so much more. It feels wrong to write when I’m so much better and typing. It’s a funny thing that most of humanity has turned into a haven for the technology ridden society. How long untill we don’t even have to walk. Have fucking absurd is that? I fell a little bit different tonight, not like anormal journal entry night. I usualy feel like im getting something accomplished but right now, I fell like im just spewing gook. It’s not unnatural that I go around feding bullshit to people I meet but usually I try not to betray myself when I’m writing in here. Its just strange that I feel so fake right now. Here I’m just a normal tourist, nowhere to actually call my own, I don’t like that. Living in Columbus we get maybe about 2 tourists a year, so I’m normally not exposed to them. People out here in Arizona, they get used to it I’m sure. But I would hate having to put up with them all the time. I don’t like being one of those annoying people, it bothers me. We were in Tombstone today, and we went into this store and I could feel the hate coming from the ladies working at the store, just emanating from them and hitting me like a slap in the face. I don’t like getting that feeling, as I’m sure many others don’t either. Its just a bothersome feeling knowing that someone is just hating your guts. I’m sure we all have our enemies around us, and believe me I have my share of enemies and people that strongly dislike me, but it feels different because they have a deeper reason to hate you generally. These people hate you simply because you are. And some people will pull the shit “but your keeping them in a job, they should be happy to have you there” but we all know that employment isn’t that hard to find if your qualified and not even being qualified. Part-time employers are willing to hire almost anyone. I mean I have a frickin job, how hard can it be. They’re there not nnessecarly becase they want to be, they need money. They don’t care anything about the job. I hardly care about my job, but I try and show a little amout of enthusiam when I’m there. I don’t let it show that I hate every single person that walks though that squeky door, and comes up to my register demanding that I let them in at a discounted price. No, I try and hide it well, I suppose I can do it well simply out of practice. I don’t like to show my emotions to other people, excpet anger, that’s one that’s a bit harder to controal. But that’s me, I sometimes have a short temper. But I don’t like to expose myself emotionally like that, I can take it when people open up to me about that kind of stuff but I’m not so good at keeping on that subject of emotions. It’s a complicated thing that I just cant seem to deal with. I try to stay on a lighter subject manner with people. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate having a deep emotional conversaton with people, Cause I do. But I guess I have to be in the right mood to talk about things like that. Normally I’m not so I try to simply change the subject matter but still keeping their emotions on the back burner. It might be a defence mechanisim to get around talking about my own emotions. I don’t know, its hard to psycoanalyze anyone, let alone yourself. I guess is should let it pass untill someone like that comes along and kinda gets it. Fuck, I don’t even get it myself. Its just mildly confusing. And by mildly I mean completely totally and relentlessly.
Is it sad that to come out to be with my grandparents I had to bring movies in case I got bored? IS ti even sadder that I have already watched three of the movies I brought? But I suppose that I watch them when their asleep. Eh, I discovered that many of the movies I watch I have linked to certain people. I think I subconsciously watch these movies so just I can think about that person. it’s a strange thing. I linked The Hudsucker Proxy to myself. it’s the one that I watch just for me. That’s the same way with The Weather Man. Although I would be lying if when I watched WM that I didn’t think of anyone. But Hudsucker is the only one, I watch for myself. I think that’s why its one fo my favorites. it’s a movie for me, not many other people proclaim it to be at the top of their lists, its that one shred of individuality I have poking out like a stick in the mud. No one else even really likes the movie. But I cant keep away from it, every time I watch it it draws em back in. I think its because I see a little bit of me in Norvill Barnes, that clumsy, bumbling bafoon. I cant help but love him. And I dotn want to sound vain because I don’t really like myself but I like that I see myself in Norvill. Hes such a good person, that just goes down the wrong road.(Arlington road(lol movie humor, give me some if you got that)) that I want to be like him. I want to be that good person but I don’t want to be that person that everyone secretly hates but shows love and affection for around him. I don’t want to be completely oblivious to it. If people hate me I want to know, but I don’t want people to hate me. I’m just not inot that kiss-ass thing, It bothers me but I mean it happens. And Norvill is a prime example of this. He takes no notice of the people just issing his ass to get ahead in their own carreer. I want people to like me for me, just like norvill thought. He thinks that people like because of what he is and what hes thinks, but no one does. it’s a sad realization for him. It’s kind of sad that I see myself in such a weak and quirky character, although it is better t accept ones own faults. But I take complete pride with what I am. I hate the way way I look but everything that I hate about myself makes my personality. I cant take that back. Isnt it a strange feeling to look in the mirrior and think “that’s me? Jesus christ I look so weird” I have a who different image in my head of me. But I look in the mirrior and suddenly all of those images float away. Appereace is such a funny thing.
God, I fucking love this movie, talking about it made me go watch it. Good thing I brought it with me.