let your wang hang out
“Let me show you how much I care”
Have a lot of stuff on my mind tonight, normally I wouldn’t do this so late, but I’ve tried everything else to get to sleep. I’ve tried music, T.V., fan, fan plus T.V., Fan plus music, and a shower. Nothing is working. So I'm gunna try writing. I can’t stand not sleeping, I've just been thinking, I got tagged tonight, they were naked, and I was fat. I’ve gone over it a while and it was defiantly my fault. I don’t know why I left the fucking car, I’m so fucking stupid. Dumbfuck move. For some reason this really hit me hard. I mean normally I would shrug it off, for some reason I can’t get it off my mind. I just can’t stop thinking about it, that’s why I can’t sleep. I could have just let my team down. I fucking hope not but that’s not why, I think this is the first time that when I’ve been working in a group, that I am the one to fail. I don’t know, maybe that’s it. I can’t stand that feeling of letting someone else down. It must be a weakness I didn’t know about. I’m sure I could have been aware of it before. But this is the only time I actually can’t sleep because of something I did. Weakness is horrible. It’s strange to see our own vulnerabilities from the outside. Now that I can see it I have to improve it. I doubt I will. I can try and try but we all have our weaknesses.
For some reason I’m lonely tonight. I was just sitting here trying to sleep and thought to myself, “Fuck, I want someone to talk to” and I just can’t call anyone but I see everyone else being happy and it makes me want someone. We were talking about senior tag and I realized that I was the strongest home defense because I don’t have a girlfriend, hardly leave the house and work so often. It’s almost sad, well it is. I don’t have a very good social life. For some reason I don’t like hanging out with people. I’ve never really had a bad experience with any of my friends. No one has really betrayed me; no one has physically told me they hate me. I don’t know what it is. It worries me only because if I don’t do things outside of myself, I won’t meet anyone.
What’s to become of me? How and what will shape my personality. Eternality awaits me and I feel like I have an economy class ticket sometimes. I hate to sound angst-ridden and such I just cant seem to get a hold of anything. I can’t seem to hunker down and get with it. I know I am not the only one; I have a hard time doing anything serious. I can’t fuck do anything. Sometimes I’m so confused that my brain actually feels like its gunna explode. It actually hurts my head. I think that’s why I like to watch movies so much. It’s an escape from thinking. I wish my life wasn’t just like this but I can’t say I don’t like it like this. I do but I just feel weird about the situation
Well I’m a bit more tired so I’m gunna go to bed.