Let me try that again
"Left my meds on the sink again, My head will be racing by luchtime"
Is it weird that i cant sleep beucause im thinking about what would happen if i had cancer or if i only had so much time to live? Cuase thats whats been keeping me up for the past days. I think of what i have to accomplish, what i have already accomplished, you know shit like that. I thought of what songs i would want at my funeral. I think of the speech i would give before i died about how not to mkae me out as an extremely good person or a hero. I would want the real opinion, not one influenced by my oncomming death. But what if i was going to die... what the fuck would i do? Ive took it into account and theres nothing i really have to do before i die. Well one i guess, and thats go back to hawaii, thats where i wanna die. I wanna die peacefully in the water in hawaii. In that sweet blue water, that is to me heaven. But other then that, i have no other goals, no aspirations, no dying need to do anything. I would have nothing for that "make a wish" thing. I would just die without notice from the public eye. I mean people would care but what are tehy going to do? Im dead theres nothing they could do. It always makes we wonder what happens when im not there. Do people miss or rejoice in my absence? Its always a weird topic to think on. But i mean i dont want to die, and i guess that a big fear of mine, i cant accept my own mortalitly as most humans. Everyone weather they admit it or not fears death. They fear the unknown of of the abyss. I mean what happens afterward, thats always a question with everyone and myself. If heavens up there then why even bother living down here, and if hells down there, then why even bother trying to be good. What i make of it is reincarnation. but i guess thats me. I always wanted to see into my past lives. Like buddah did, he saw all of his previous lives and forms. I want to have a memory of this life that i am leading now in my next life. Thats how i think geniouses are born they remember just enough from thier past life to make them smarter, like cramming 2 lifetimes worth of info into one. Its funny to think of what happens when you die. Its so uncertian. I like ebing uncertian but i also like having a plan at least. Yeah i know it dosent make much sence but hey, its what i am. BUt death is such a scary thing, everything and everyone we know are stripped away from us in an instant. One quick pull and the band-aid is off. Thats it. I dont want to forget these experiences, i want to remeber them. I dont want to let anything go. I feel like i would let myself down if i forget this life, but i wont exactly remeber that i shouldnt have forgot in my next life. I think to a movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and think of its message, would you erase a memory? dont you want to keep them in hopes that they can either be used later on or just remebered for the sheer nostoliga. I would, i dont want to lose these memories even the bad ones. I wouldnt be me if i had them erased. Well i would but i woudnt be the Mattremy that we all love (and hate) It seems pointless in the end, Why even bother trying now in the world. If i have no goal in life then i have nothing to work twards and so my actions determine nothing excpet of how i look to others. It scares me that some people blindly accept things they shouldnt, things they should make up for them selves. not having someone else tell you whats wrong and right. Maybe i just over anlayze my mind. Maybe i should not wirtie what i feel beucase it always leads back to the same thing: Nothing But it does feel better afterwards. I guess its a reason to continue.
In the real world:
I think im going to Coulumbus state, at least for one year
I think i have a crush, which is weird because i never really have had a crush on someone, well i take that back i have but this is the first possible crush. Its weird to think of myself in this situation
I think that im hanging out with Joey, Jack, Ken and daniel on friday, which is exellent. I havent hung out witht he old guys in so long. I feel bad because weve been splitting apart. I dont like that but it happens i guess
I hope that i cna do well in math this quarter cuase im sucking dick now, which is usual in math class though.
I think im done now, im going to go to bed
Is it weird that i cant sleep beucause im thinking about what would happen if i had cancer or if i only had so much time to live? Cuase thats whats been keeping me up for the past days. I think of what i have to accomplish, what i have already accomplished, you know shit like that. I thought of what songs i would want at my funeral. I think of the speech i would give before i died about how not to mkae me out as an extremely good person or a hero. I would want the real opinion, not one influenced by my oncomming death. But what if i was going to die... what the fuck would i do? Ive took it into account and theres nothing i really have to do before i die. Well one i guess, and thats go back to hawaii, thats where i wanna die. I wanna die peacefully in the water in hawaii. In that sweet blue water, that is to me heaven. But other then that, i have no other goals, no aspirations, no dying need to do anything. I would have nothing for that "make a wish" thing. I would just die without notice from the public eye. I mean people would care but what are tehy going to do? Im dead theres nothing they could do. It always makes we wonder what happens when im not there. Do people miss or rejoice in my absence? Its always a weird topic to think on. But i mean i dont want to die, and i guess that a big fear of mine, i cant accept my own mortalitly as most humans. Everyone weather they admit it or not fears death. They fear the unknown of of the abyss. I mean what happens afterward, thats always a question with everyone and myself. If heavens up there then why even bother living down here, and if hells down there, then why even bother trying to be good. What i make of it is reincarnation. but i guess thats me. I always wanted to see into my past lives. Like buddah did, he saw all of his previous lives and forms. I want to have a memory of this life that i am leading now in my next life. Thats how i think geniouses are born they remember just enough from thier past life to make them smarter, like cramming 2 lifetimes worth of info into one. Its funny to think of what happens when you die. Its so uncertian. I like ebing uncertian but i also like having a plan at least. Yeah i know it dosent make much sence but hey, its what i am. BUt death is such a scary thing, everything and everyone we know are stripped away from us in an instant. One quick pull and the band-aid is off. Thats it. I dont want to forget these experiences, i want to remeber them. I dont want to let anything go. I feel like i would let myself down if i forget this life, but i wont exactly remeber that i shouldnt have forgot in my next life. I think to a movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and think of its message, would you erase a memory? dont you want to keep them in hopes that they can either be used later on or just remebered for the sheer nostoliga. I would, i dont want to lose these memories even the bad ones. I wouldnt be me if i had them erased. Well i would but i woudnt be the Mattremy that we all love (and hate) It seems pointless in the end, Why even bother trying now in the world. If i have no goal in life then i have nothing to work twards and so my actions determine nothing excpet of how i look to others. It scares me that some people blindly accept things they shouldnt, things they should make up for them selves. not having someone else tell you whats wrong and right. Maybe i just over anlayze my mind. Maybe i should not wirtie what i feel beucase it always leads back to the same thing: Nothing But it does feel better afterwards. I guess its a reason to continue.
In the real world:
I think im going to Coulumbus state, at least for one year
I think i have a crush, which is weird because i never really have had a crush on someone, well i take that back i have but this is the first possible crush. Its weird to think of myself in this situation
I think that im hanging out with Joey, Jack, Ken and daniel on friday, which is exellent. I havent hung out witht he old guys in so long. I feel bad because weve been splitting apart. I dont like that but it happens i guess
I hope that i cna do well in math this quarter cuase im sucking dick now, which is usual in math class though.
I think im done now, im going to go to bed