Catalyst
I have become weary of my own despair. But getting my energy, my drive, back is difficult.
I have started with small things. Trying to organize my life in little ways. I have actually begun to unpack somewhat from my movement to the current apartment. Putting things in order.
Talked with various people, including my brother. I have let myself be defeated by my own calculations; I have avoided opportunities because I have predicted only failure. So it has well come time for me to be a bit more assertive.
The problem lies in change. I will change, for better or worse, my associations with certain human beings in the near future. I will do it with the slightest of efforts, the barest of words or gestures. But I have to do it. I have to confirm, one way or another, if there actually are any opportunities for some form of happiness, or if I am simply seeing a shadow of some feverish dream that I have latched on to, instead of a reality I can stand upon and make my own.
Only once before in my life did I dare so much to change things, and it required me to sever every connection to certain people I considered dear as kin to me. Even now, doubt gnaws at me that if I say certain things, I will again loose much that I had spent long to obtain.
It is a strange wisdom that when you ask of other human beings certain questions, the answer can force things to change irrevocably between them. Oh, we like to fool ourselves into thinking otherwise. But the truth is that once you know something, you can't unlearn it. When you know something about someone, things can not be as they were; they must become better or worse for the knowing.
I have lived in fear of the truth long enough.
I have started with small things. Trying to organize my life in little ways. I have actually begun to unpack somewhat from my movement to the current apartment. Putting things in order.
Talked with various people, including my brother. I have let myself be defeated by my own calculations; I have avoided opportunities because I have predicted only failure. So it has well come time for me to be a bit more assertive.
The problem lies in change. I will change, for better or worse, my associations with certain human beings in the near future. I will do it with the slightest of efforts, the barest of words or gestures. But I have to do it. I have to confirm, one way or another, if there actually are any opportunities for some form of happiness, or if I am simply seeing a shadow of some feverish dream that I have latched on to, instead of a reality I can stand upon and make my own.
Only once before in my life did I dare so much to change things, and it required me to sever every connection to certain people I considered dear as kin to me. Even now, doubt gnaws at me that if I say certain things, I will again loose much that I had spent long to obtain.
It is a strange wisdom that when you ask of other human beings certain questions, the answer can force things to change irrevocably between them. Oh, we like to fool ourselves into thinking otherwise. But the truth is that once you know something, you can't unlearn it. When you know something about someone, things can not be as they were; they must become better or worse for the knowing.
I have lived in fear of the truth long enough.