how to assault a chef, by emmy gladney
in the dark chaos of Rickshaw Stop, we were pushing our way through the throng of dykes that had planted their feet by the bar-- for easy access, i presume. Rebel Girl (in its newest incarnation), like White Diamonds before it, seemed to attract a group of women that can't hold their liquor and spend too long in the handicap stall, doing whoknowswhat.
i was leading Cindy and Wendy to the dancefloor when i spotted a familiar face. not "familiar" in the you-went-to-berkeley-and-slept-with- my ex/my ex's ex/me common sense. i have gotten very good at spotting my favorite reality tv "stars" from the Bravo! tv network, and there she was.
now, just a couple of asides:
1. anyone who knows me well knows that i cannot for the life of me talk to girls in bands. a tried and true face on the dating scene, and i cannot for the life of me get so much as a "hello" out of my mouth. this is not without reason. firstly, the only thing we have in common is their music. secondly, one would think i already have the perfect first line readied for me; "hey, i really liked your set." but that's *all* i have. so it just kind of ends with them saying, "thanks," and me walking away.
2. i am an aspiring foodie/lush. if for whatever reason (mostly my undergrad GPA, i'm sure) i don't get into an MBA program, i am going to apply to work for Yelp! from what i've read, guppy foodies are called "munchers" which i think it appropriate for me for multiple [and tacky] reasons.
3. in my excitement, i have called Annmarie and left gibberish, shrieking voicemails about having seen such non-stars as Jeff Lewis' business partner and the lesbian ex-couple from last seasons' top chef. its the closest i get to star struck.
so it must have been the redbulls, and just the strangeness of being out so late on a Saturday, but i saw her, and i basically lept at her.
she's only like 5' nothing, and the woman with her was easily 5'10", and i can only imagine how insane i must have looked flying through the air with a crazed look in my eye. i grabbed her shoulder, and she nearly jumped out of her skin and this woman that had popped out of the darkness and into her personal space with a huge grin.
"ohmigod!" i was speaking before i knew what i was even doing, "aren't you on Top Chef?" three things flew through my mind: how does one say "are/were" in a way that would designate that the show's already been taped but is just currently airing? what am i going to say next? and why can't i remember her name?
once she realized that she was being harassed for a verbal autography, she blinked away her fear and shock and replaced it with an uneasy smile. "oh yeah, yeah that's me."
her friend/date was GLARING down at me, and i realized i was clutching this poor woman's arm. i willed my fingers to *release* and they did, and all i could do was...
...yes, i did this...
...shoot her a double thumbs up.
i added, thumbs in the air, "well we're only on episode two right now, but i'm totally rooting for you!"
holy shit! did i just say that? i spun on my heels, embarassment not quite setting in yet, but enough to know to getthehelloutofthere.
i caught up to Wendy and Cindy and they had no idea where i'd gone or what had transpired, but i was so geeked up that all i could say was, "my favorite Top Chef! she's here!"
http://www.bravotv.com/Top_Chef/season/5/bios/bios.php?c=jamie
i was leading Cindy and Wendy to the dancefloor when i spotted a familiar face. not "familiar" in the you-went-to-berkeley-and-slept-with- my ex/my ex's ex/me common sense. i have gotten very good at spotting my favorite reality tv "stars" from the Bravo! tv network, and there she was.
now, just a couple of asides:
1. anyone who knows me well knows that i cannot for the life of me talk to girls in bands. a tried and true face on the dating scene, and i cannot for the life of me get so much as a "hello" out of my mouth. this is not without reason. firstly, the only thing we have in common is their music. secondly, one would think i already have the perfect first line readied for me; "hey, i really liked your set." but that's *all* i have. so it just kind of ends with them saying, "thanks," and me walking away.
2. i am an aspiring foodie/lush. if for whatever reason (mostly my undergrad GPA, i'm sure) i don't get into an MBA program, i am going to apply to work for Yelp! from what i've read, guppy foodies are called "munchers" which i think it appropriate for me for multiple [and tacky] reasons.
3. in my excitement, i have called Annmarie and left gibberish, shrieking voicemails about having seen such non-stars as Jeff Lewis' business partner and the lesbian ex-couple from last seasons' top chef. its the closest i get to star struck.
so it must have been the redbulls, and just the strangeness of being out so late on a Saturday, but i saw her, and i basically lept at her.
she's only like 5' nothing, and the woman with her was easily 5'10", and i can only imagine how insane i must have looked flying through the air with a crazed look in my eye. i grabbed her shoulder, and she nearly jumped out of her skin and this woman that had popped out of the darkness and into her personal space with a huge grin.
"ohmigod!" i was speaking before i knew what i was even doing, "aren't you on Top Chef?" three things flew through my mind: how does one say "are/were" in a way that would designate that the show's already been taped but is just currently airing? what am i going to say next? and why can't i remember her name?
once she realized that she was being harassed for a verbal autography, she blinked away her fear and shock and replaced it with an uneasy smile. "oh yeah, yeah that's me."
her friend/date was GLARING down at me, and i realized i was clutching this poor woman's arm. i willed my fingers to *release* and they did, and all i could do was...
...yes, i did this...
...shoot her a double thumbs up.
i added, thumbs in the air, "well we're only on episode two right now, but i'm totally rooting for you!"
holy shit! did i just say that? i spun on my heels, embarassment not quite setting in yet, but enough to know to getthehelloutofthere.
i caught up to Wendy and Cindy and they had no idea where i'd gone or what had transpired, but i was so geeked up that all i could say was, "my favorite Top Chef! she's here!"
http://www.bravotv.com/Top_Chef/season/5/bios/bios.php?c=jamie