Real-time Reactions to True Blood, and Other Shit Comes Up
So, I decided to live blog my watching of this week's True Blood, but I kept on getting bitter about Buffyfestgate and Bangel and Other yucky stuff. So be warned, all my psychoses seem to be on display here.
Real-Time True Blood Thoughts (Because I Don’t Know How To Quit You)
0:00:09 - Oh, joy. A Bill and Sookie scene. How entertaining. And we learn the 70’s porn set is really fairyland. Yeah. In the immortal words of a kinda gay vampire, “bored now.”
0:00:11 - “How fucking lame.” Yes Sookie, my thoughts exactly, though I think we’re talking about two different things.
0:00:41 - “My people are rapists?” Yes, Sookie, your people have lots in common with book!Bill. Lucky for you, Alan Ball appears to be a shameless Bangel Bill/Sookie shipper so this reads like some kind of Bangelfest-style biased crap. Yep, still bothered by this week’s adventures in “journalism.” I know, I’m bitter. Am working on it with the therapist.
0:01:03 - Buffy and Angel are such special snowflakes that they both get to go to the Twilight dimension. Bill and Sookie are such special snowflakes that they both get to go to 70’s porn movie fairyland.
0:01:24 - Fey wiped out of existence by vampires? Possible foreshadowing that Bill could be an asshole bad guy? Ding, ding, ding!
0:01:28 - Love the whole Southern Gothic title sequence. Very grotesque. Feeds my literary kinks. Have I mentioned that?
0:03:21 - Okay. Not enjoying Jason playing in Franklin goo. Where’s Russel? I want THE MOTHERFUCKING KING!
0:04:07 - Tara, you fierce angry, fabulous bitch! Take back your power, girl! “I hope you rot in hell, you psycho piece of shit!”
0:04:35 - Lafayette and Jesus helping Crystal’s daddy. Don’t know what to think ‘bout that.
0:05:12 - Sam’s troubled. And the girl from John Tucker Must Die is involved . . . And he was a jewel thief or something? And he got screwed. What else is new? Poor Sam.
0:07:40 - I hate when Bill gets all expositiony. Oh, hell. Who am I kidding? I hate Bill, period!
0:08:12 - “I told her [Claudine] my only intention was to protect you” . . . so, book people, is book!Bill a lying sack of shit or something? Or do I now have latent rage issues that are starting to rise up but only in regards to fictional characters?
0:08:27 - “[your blood] definitely drew me to you at first” - book people: doesn’t Bill have an ulterior motive for being “drawn” to Sookie? And the rest of his avowels of devotion? Yawn.
0:08:35 - “You must see the difference in the way I look at you and the way Eric and Russel do . . .” what, Bill, are you twelve? Asshat. And did Eric almost kill Sookie? Asshat.
0:09:00 - Okay, when Bill was saying “I love your heart, your mind . . . “ blah blah, who else was thinking about stoney321's recap of the books and going “I love your heart, your soul, and your meaty curves” in their heads?
0:09:09 - So, Bill going to go into a rendition of “You Light Up My Life” or something now? *Vomits in my head*
0:09:33 - PAM AND ERIC! TEAM AWESOME IS HERE! After all that Bill’s Lying Sack of Shit Debbie Boone Speechifying, I gotta get some Eric quotage in so this review has more in the awesome-craptastic balance.
Pam: Why are you doing this?
Eric: Because, Pam, Russel Eddington was perhaps the oldest and strongest vampire on the planet before he eviscerated a newsman live on TV. Now he’s also the craziest. And his rage is directed at me. Do the math.
Pam: You’re not going to even put up a fight?
Eric: Of course I am, but until I come up with a brilliant plan to beat him, I am covering all of my bases. And your ass.
Just love their delivery in this scene. Cold and heartfelt and desperate, all hidden under the veneer of vampire dispassion. And Yvetta! I now want a rendition of Kanye’s Gold Digger in her honor!
0:11:14 - Lafayette’s giving Crystal’s daddy V? Something tells me giving a meth addict V is not a good idea. And totally agree with Lafayette: “Them fuckers is a whole new dimension of trash.”
0:13:00 - Crystal’s story gets interesting . . .
0:13:36 - Go Nan! I love seeing her on the character’s TV.
0:14:32 - Y’know, Bill and Angel can keep each other company by sharing their self-delusions about souls and reasons for going to Bon Temps while trapped in my personal mental Prison for Broody Asshats. Asshole.
0:14:36 - HE SAID IT! SUKKY IS MAHN! ONLY THING BILL IS GOOD FOR IS REPEATING THAT LINE!
0:15:22 - BILL, YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS JACKASS, SHUT THE FUCK UP! *said out loud at a high pitch at 12:30 AM, causing my mother to come find out what the hell was wrong.
0:16:14 - DID YOU SEE BILL’S FACE? THAT SMUG SON OF A BITCH! *Again, said out loud, again, annoying my mother*
0:17:19 - GO JESSICA! You tell Arlene off!
0:18:05 - Go, away, Tommy. You’re ruining my Hoyt/Jessica squee.
0:19:23 - Okay. Laughing my ass off at Summer making Hoyt feel her up.
0:19:51 - Go Tara. You call that lying asshole out. And if you don’t know who I’m talking about, you haven’t been listening to me.
0:21:08 - Sookie is such a crappy person. I’m sorry, but patting Tara on the head isn’t going to help.
0:22:09 - Lafayette and Jesus. MOAR, PLEASE! They’re adorable, and I don’t want to lock them in personal prisons! And I like that Jesus recognizes the connection of psychosis and magic realities.
0:25:53 - Enjoying scenes at Merlotte’s. We got Sam being snarky, Tommy being an ass, and Terry being so frigging adorable your heart breaks for him when Arlene tells him the truth - THEN TERRY GOES AND SHOWS WHAT A STAND-UP, AWESOME GUY HE IS! I HEART TERRY SO HARD!
0:27:51 - Jason’s guilt about Eggs comes out. Because of his confusion about Franklin. Huh. That actually makes psychological sense.
0:28:32 - “People always find out and it hurts them ten times more.” Oh, Sookie. I now know exactly where you’re gonna end this season. Heartbroken because of Bill’s asshat lies. Thanks for doing your own foreshadowing!
0:28:51 - I am now convinced that Jason and Sookie are having a conversation that’s really about the audience’s opinions about Bill. The idea about lying to protect someone? All. About. Bill. And Sookie’s taking my part of the conversation.
0:29:18 - WANT GIF OF LAFAYETTE AND JESUS GIGGLING AT THE DANCING MADONNAS NOW. SFM.
0:30:40 - Abuela! I likey! I likey this adventure into Jesus’ mind. And IS THAT HURLEY’S MOM AS THE YOUNGER ABUELA. So, Is Tara the new Bonnie? But with a historically accurate backstory that doesn’t involve Salem? AND WTF IS ABUELO?
0:34:10 - Sookie’s dreaming of Eric? So Buffy/Spike season 5. AND SOOKIE SHOULD SO LISTEN TO HER SUBCONSCIOUS MORE OFTEN!
0:35:11 - Jason and Tara being adorable instead of obnoxious together is new. But the crush thing coming back? Not so much. “Tara, you know I ain’t that deep.” No shit, Sherlock, and that’s just the way I like you. And . . . here we go with the obnoxious crush again.
0:38:09 - Jason . . . I don’t know how to interpret this honesty kink you now have.
0:39:22 - Too annoyed with Bill to give him any points for being there for Jessica.
0:41:53 - So not entertained by Sam’s backstory. But I am entertained by his slight paunch.
0:43:00 - Sookie/Eric scene FTW! And ponytails aren’t very conductive to passionate kissing.
0:44:10 - “Blah, blah, vampire emergency, blah.” God, I love Pam!
0:44:44 - THIS IS WHY I LOVE ERIC. EVEN HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHY HE CARES SO MUCH FOR SOOKIE.
0:44:56 - Pam is brilliant for bringing up Godric at this moment. I LOVE THIS ENTIRE BLOODLINE!
0:45:40 - RUSSEL!!!!1! And . . . "Talbot" is with him. Cute.
0:48:22 - HOYT/JESSICA! And GO HOYT.
0:50:17 - BILL, LAY OFF JASON! MOTHERFUCKER!
0:51:11 - Jason’s response when he learns what Crystal is? PERFECT!
0:51:26 - Poor Tony the manwhore. Russel’s into the weird shit.
0:54:17 - Once again, I think they’re doing a fake out. Eric will still be a murky good guy when the series is over. And it’s official: the producers hate Eric/Sookie shippers, even though Eric is the only thing that makes sookie somewhat interesting.
All in all, not a very fun episode, even though we got to see Lafayette and Jesus do V. Too much Bill and Sookie ruined it for me, and I'm getting kind of resentful for how much it's ruining the show as a whole. I think I wouldn't have been as bothered by the blatant anti-Sookie/Eric ending if there hadn't been so much whitewashing of Bill going on, and I do think that Jason and Sookie's conversation about protecting Tara by lying to her is directly foreshadowing the big blow-up that will happen when Sookie learns why Bill originally came to Bon Temps.
Had way too many flashes of Bangel parallels after the past week of reading about Bangel parallels from crappy fan sites, and in Scott Allie's favor, I do like how fans have such easy access to him in comparison to access to tell Alan Ball off. Once again, Sookie is only interesting to me when she's challenging Eric, otherwise she's all about those misty-eyed looks that ruined Buffy's de-lobotomy from issue #35, when she finally beagn to tell off Twangel . . . only to get misty eyed again.
Why do these vampire shows always have to do the dichotomy between the broody vampire hero and the actually interesting defiant ant-hero? And why can't these television producers be original enough to have the female protagonist go with the anti-hero for once, something Spuffy fanfic writers have been capable of doing for years now? Is Hollywood just that in love with brooding shit-eaters? I really don't get it, when I see all the creativity going into Spuffy, and the crappy Bangel vids to "My Heart Will Go On" which is the antithesis of creative (Confession: my roommate and I got drunk one night and went on youtube to find the worst Bangel vid out there. Shits and giggles doesn't begin to cover how much fun we had mocking those vids).
Real-Time True Blood Thoughts (Because I Don’t Know How To Quit You)
0:00:09 - Oh, joy. A Bill and Sookie scene. How entertaining. And we learn the 70’s porn set is really fairyland. Yeah. In the immortal words of a kinda gay vampire, “bored now.”
0:00:11 - “How fucking lame.” Yes Sookie, my thoughts exactly, though I think we’re talking about two different things.
0:00:41 - “My people are rapists?” Yes, Sookie, your people have lots in common with book!Bill. Lucky for you, Alan Ball appears to be a shameless Bangel Bill/Sookie shipper so this reads like some kind of Bangelfest-style biased crap. Yep, still bothered by this week’s adventures in “journalism.” I know, I’m bitter. Am working on it with the therapist.
0:01:03 - Buffy and Angel are such special snowflakes that they both get to go to the Twilight dimension. Bill and Sookie are such special snowflakes that they both get to go to 70’s porn movie fairyland.
0:01:24 - Fey wiped out of existence by vampires? Possible foreshadowing that Bill could be an asshole bad guy? Ding, ding, ding!
0:01:28 - Love the whole Southern Gothic title sequence. Very grotesque. Feeds my literary kinks. Have I mentioned that?
0:03:21 - Okay. Not enjoying Jason playing in Franklin goo. Where’s Russel? I want THE MOTHERFUCKING KING!
0:04:07 - Tara, you fierce angry, fabulous bitch! Take back your power, girl! “I hope you rot in hell, you psycho piece of shit!”
0:04:35 - Lafayette and Jesus helping Crystal’s daddy. Don’t know what to think ‘bout that.
0:05:12 - Sam’s troubled. And the girl from John Tucker Must Die is involved . . . And he was a jewel thief or something? And he got screwed. What else is new? Poor Sam.
0:07:40 - I hate when Bill gets all expositiony. Oh, hell. Who am I kidding? I hate Bill, period!
0:08:12 - “I told her [Claudine] my only intention was to protect you” . . . so, book people, is book!Bill a lying sack of shit or something? Or do I now have latent rage issues that are starting to rise up but only in regards to fictional characters?
0:08:27 - “[your blood] definitely drew me to you at first” - book people: doesn’t Bill have an ulterior motive for being “drawn” to Sookie? And the rest of his avowels of devotion? Yawn.
0:08:35 - “You must see the difference in the way I look at you and the way Eric and Russel do . . .” what, Bill, are you twelve? Asshat. And did Eric almost kill Sookie? Asshat.
0:09:00 - Okay, when Bill was saying “I love your heart, your mind . . . “ blah blah, who else was thinking about stoney321's recap of the books and going “I love your heart, your soul, and your meaty curves” in their heads?
0:09:09 - So, Bill going to go into a rendition of “You Light Up My Life” or something now? *Vomits in my head*
0:09:33 - PAM AND ERIC! TEAM AWESOME IS HERE! After all that Bill’s Lying Sack of Shit Debbie Boone Speechifying, I gotta get some Eric quotage in so this review has more in the awesome-craptastic balance.
Pam: Why are you doing this?
Eric: Because, Pam, Russel Eddington was perhaps the oldest and strongest vampire on the planet before he eviscerated a newsman live on TV. Now he’s also the craziest. And his rage is directed at me. Do the math.
Pam: You’re not going to even put up a fight?
Eric: Of course I am, but until I come up with a brilliant plan to beat him, I am covering all of my bases. And your ass.
Just love their delivery in this scene. Cold and heartfelt and desperate, all hidden under the veneer of vampire dispassion. And Yvetta! I now want a rendition of Kanye’s Gold Digger in her honor!
0:11:14 - Lafayette’s giving Crystal’s daddy V? Something tells me giving a meth addict V is not a good idea. And totally agree with Lafayette: “Them fuckers is a whole new dimension of trash.”
0:13:00 - Crystal’s story gets interesting . . .
0:13:36 - Go Nan! I love seeing her on the character’s TV.
0:14:32 - Y’know, Bill and Angel can keep each other company by sharing their self-delusions about souls and reasons for going to Bon Temps while trapped in my personal mental Prison for Broody Asshats. Asshole.
0:14:36 - HE SAID IT! SUKKY IS MAHN! ONLY THING BILL IS GOOD FOR IS REPEATING THAT LINE!
0:15:22 - BILL, YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS JACKASS, SHUT THE FUCK UP! *said out loud at a high pitch at 12:30 AM, causing my mother to come find out what the hell was wrong.
0:16:14 - DID YOU SEE BILL’S FACE? THAT SMUG SON OF A BITCH! *Again, said out loud, again, annoying my mother*
0:17:19 - GO JESSICA! You tell Arlene off!
0:18:05 - Go, away, Tommy. You’re ruining my Hoyt/Jessica squee.
0:19:23 - Okay. Laughing my ass off at Summer making Hoyt feel her up.
0:19:51 - Go Tara. You call that lying asshole out. And if you don’t know who I’m talking about, you haven’t been listening to me.
0:21:08 - Sookie is such a crappy person. I’m sorry, but patting Tara on the head isn’t going to help.
0:22:09 - Lafayette and Jesus. MOAR, PLEASE! They’re adorable, and I don’t want to lock them in personal prisons! And I like that Jesus recognizes the connection of psychosis and magic realities.
0:25:53 - Enjoying scenes at Merlotte’s. We got Sam being snarky, Tommy being an ass, and Terry being so frigging adorable your heart breaks for him when Arlene tells him the truth - THEN TERRY GOES AND SHOWS WHAT A STAND-UP, AWESOME GUY HE IS! I HEART TERRY SO HARD!
0:27:51 - Jason’s guilt about Eggs comes out. Because of his confusion about Franklin. Huh. That actually makes psychological sense.
0:28:32 - “People always find out and it hurts them ten times more.” Oh, Sookie. I now know exactly where you’re gonna end this season. Heartbroken because of Bill’s asshat lies. Thanks for doing your own foreshadowing!
0:28:51 - I am now convinced that Jason and Sookie are having a conversation that’s really about the audience’s opinions about Bill. The idea about lying to protect someone? All. About. Bill. And Sookie’s taking my part of the conversation.
0:29:18 - WANT GIF OF LAFAYETTE AND JESUS GIGGLING AT THE DANCING MADONNAS NOW. SFM.
0:30:40 - Abuela! I likey! I likey this adventure into Jesus’ mind. And IS THAT HURLEY’S MOM AS THE YOUNGER ABUELA. So, Is Tara the new Bonnie? But with a historically accurate backstory that doesn’t involve Salem? AND WTF IS ABUELO?
0:34:10 - Sookie’s dreaming of Eric? So Buffy/Spike season 5. AND SOOKIE SHOULD SO LISTEN TO HER SUBCONSCIOUS MORE OFTEN!
0:35:11 - Jason and Tara being adorable instead of obnoxious together is new. But the crush thing coming back? Not so much. “Tara, you know I ain’t that deep.” No shit, Sherlock, and that’s just the way I like you. And . . . here we go with the obnoxious crush again.
0:38:09 - Jason . . . I don’t know how to interpret this honesty kink you now have.
0:39:22 - Too annoyed with Bill to give him any points for being there for Jessica.
0:41:53 - So not entertained by Sam’s backstory. But I am entertained by his slight paunch.
0:43:00 - Sookie/Eric scene FTW! And ponytails aren’t very conductive to passionate kissing.
0:44:10 - “Blah, blah, vampire emergency, blah.” God, I love Pam!
0:44:44 - THIS IS WHY I LOVE ERIC. EVEN HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHY HE CARES SO MUCH FOR SOOKIE.
0:44:56 - Pam is brilliant for bringing up Godric at this moment. I LOVE THIS ENTIRE BLOODLINE!
0:45:40 - RUSSEL!!!!1! And . . . "Talbot" is with him. Cute.
0:48:22 - HOYT/JESSICA! And GO HOYT.
0:50:17 - BILL, LAY OFF JASON! MOTHERFUCKER!
0:51:11 - Jason’s response when he learns what Crystal is? PERFECT!
0:51:26 - Poor Tony the manwhore. Russel’s into the weird shit.
0:54:17 - Once again, I think they’re doing a fake out. Eric will still be a murky good guy when the series is over. And it’s official: the producers hate Eric/Sookie shippers, even though Eric is the only thing that makes sookie somewhat interesting.
All in all, not a very fun episode, even though we got to see Lafayette and Jesus do V. Too much Bill and Sookie ruined it for me, and I'm getting kind of resentful for how much it's ruining the show as a whole. I think I wouldn't have been as bothered by the blatant anti-Sookie/Eric ending if there hadn't been so much whitewashing of Bill going on, and I do think that Jason and Sookie's conversation about protecting Tara by lying to her is directly foreshadowing the big blow-up that will happen when Sookie learns why Bill originally came to Bon Temps.
Had way too many flashes of Bangel parallels after the past week of reading about Bangel parallels from crappy fan sites, and in Scott Allie's favor, I do like how fans have such easy access to him in comparison to access to tell Alan Ball off. Once again, Sookie is only interesting to me when she's challenging Eric, otherwise she's all about those misty-eyed looks that ruined Buffy's de-lobotomy from issue #35, when she finally beagn to tell off Twangel . . . only to get misty eyed again.
Why do these vampire shows always have to do the dichotomy between the broody vampire hero and the actually interesting defiant ant-hero? And why can't these television producers be original enough to have the female protagonist go with the anti-hero for once, something Spuffy fanfic writers have been capable of doing for years now? Is Hollywood just that in love with brooding shit-eaters? I really don't get it, when I see all the creativity going into Spuffy, and the crappy Bangel vids to "My Heart Will Go On" which is the antithesis of creative (Confession: my roommate and I got drunk one night and went on youtube to find the worst Bangel vid out there. Shits and giggles doesn't begin to cover how much fun we had mocking those vids).